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New to dementia journey - Page 19 - Carers UK Forum

New to dementia journey

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938 posts
Sorry to but in here but just glancing through your thread and picked up on thinking back to mum. Dad is always moaning about my food but I've been doing his meals for 30 years and my mother before me for the previous 30 years. The other week he started talking and saying it was not being like mother's -plain and simple. I'm thinking how unusual it was for him to mention mum , let alone her cooking but no- it was his own mother he was talking about from over 60 years ago :?
You're not butting in! It's a sad fascination how they go back to an earlier life. Must be confusing for my daughter's if he asks about mom when I'm not there. He always referred to me as mom ( or mommy when they were younger) . They just answer the same as if it's me or hubby's mother. Poor girls ( women now). Daddy's girls really and they are devastated.
How sad for them both, I think one of the challenges later on when the caring side of things has passed will be to look back on memories of "real Dad" before all the illnesses of the last ten years or so.
I'm still not great at doing that with my mother, and it is more often than not the last few bad months 30 + years ago that will flit through my mind rather than all the normal years while I was growing up.
I search and search for happy memories. The trauma of the last 3 years takes over and the decline of my hubby. Expect this is part of ambiguous bereavement?
How are you today? Xx
As a widow, I can tell you that the happy memories WILL return, once your mind is more settled. You can't find them, just by wishing you could. They will find you when the time is right.
Thank you. That is a comfort to me. Losing Hubby to the dreadful disease and the memories of happy times........
Dad was being difficult today with a new carer who arrived later than his precise expectation. I had taken dog out to avoid the expected disaster but mistimed my arrival back into the midst of it and had to spend the next half hour calming down a worried carer , telling her not to bother with creaming Dad (as he was eating breakfast by now)so I would do it as she was running late, and then gave her a blow by blow account of how to make and serve a pot of tea. I am paying about £30 for this visit today as its double rate bank holiday :woohoo:
Well Henrietta, Good sign that the carer was worried as many would have shrugged their shoulders and not been bothered, and you have passed on a valuable skill. Silver linings sometimes can be found, however small.
PS My carer's Bank Holiday rate used to be the same as weekend rate ie about £5.00 more per hour. Christmas day was double though. Twice as much on an ordinary BH is a bit over the top.
Hi. Im not really doing very well with hubby's dementia. Cope ok with his confabulations. Just go along with them. It's seeing him decline thats so painful. Knowing it's going to get worse. I have a knot in my stomach before I visit, then make the visit as pleasant and productive as I can. Always take a newspaper and mostly he reads some of it. We talk about what he has read. Sometimes makes sense. Even if it doesn't I go along with it. When I leave it feels like I'm abandoning him again, to arrive home to find something to eat for one, and the loneliness. I gather this is part of ambiguous bereavement. It's been seven months now that he hasn't been home. Just thought I would write this down hoping it will help. Think I will contact the admiral nurse and explain to her. Xx
Can I suggest that you visit after having a meal? If you don't feel like cooking your own, eat out. I found local garden centres did lovely food, and a woman on her own isn't at all out of place. Then you can just have a sandwich for tea.
Alternatively, has anyone suggested that you have meals with your husband at the home? Many homes allow guests to book and pay for a meal with their relatives. This would save you a job and you would be having time with your husband where you were doing something together.
938 posts