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New to dementia journey - Page 22 - Carers UK Forum

New to dementia journey

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
936 posts
Hi Pet,

Just been catching up with this. I've read the early pages and the last few pages to get a feel of things. I'm probably picking up on something you've already processed and moved on from. The bit about staff thinking you are looking out for any incompetence. Whether you are, or you are not I don't know, but in my mind it's totally normal for relatives to be on the eye out for incompetence. If staff are concerned or anxious that a family member is getting curious about the level of care provided, they should address this anxiety of theirs with a bit of self-reflection or in supervision, rather than giving out some vibe it's somehow rude or offensive a relative might be curious or even suspicious.

Probably a mute point. It just annoyed me if staff's attitude or behaviour added to the already emotionally challenging visits you undertake.

Alex
Thank-you Alex ,that's very supportive.
I emailed the manager, I didn't apologise as I had nothing to say sorry for, but explained that there had been a misunderstanding. Won't go into all the details but asked that the manager ensured everyone read the email. It's ironed out the issue.
I'm certainly not seeking out things to complain about. Far from it. Obviously things get noticed and heard. By other visitors as well. I would act upon something I felt was really out of order re another resident but I'm there to see my husband,to keep him as calm and happy as possible. Plus check his clothes,toiletries etc. Ot course because he's my husband of over 48years and very much loved and missed.
Oh Dear
I've had a dreadful night! A dream that woke me with a start. Then I seemed to go into an awful grief mode. All that's happened since the start of hubby's decline seemed to roll round my head. No matter what I did. T V on didn't work, flicking through a magazine didn't work. I felt this horrible void.
I hope I'm sensible enough to realise times like these will happen and pass. Emotionally exhausted now. Damn and blast. Just as I thought I was beginning to adjust.
Shared my feelings now so no more woe is me???
Dreams can be incredibly emotional. I believe they are associated with the limbic system (whatever that is!) ,where very powerful, primitive emotions can reside (or whatever) - but the kind of emotional impact they can have is similar to being a cavewoman confronting a sabre-toothed tiger hungry to make her his tea! It's very 'primitive and raw'.

That's why 'nice dreams' are so lovely, and 'nightmares' are just the opposite.

Also, in the early hours, our sugar levels are at their lowest, so we are most 'vulnerable'.

It's horrid that everything you did to 'wash out the impact' didn't seem to work - sometimes only bright morning daylight can do that!

Hopefully, this is just your 'inner self' having a 'last crack' at you, a final 'lashback', that maybe now has been expunged or purged?

Hope things 'renormalise' during the course of the day.
The visits of late have been ok. Generally hubby is pleased to see me. Still confabulting,but that's fine. I go along with the situation. It's good to me that he's filling in a void with something. Usually it's something alright so not disturbing him. He is still at loggerheads with the fiesty lady. Sometimes he can take no notice of her, sometimes he is nasty. She is the same. She seems deliberately to wind him up at times! I know it's part of her illness as well. She's frustrated. Tries to escape.
Why then, now, when I really feel I'm learning to cope am I deciding that I need to cut my visits down? .I do take a day 'free' to do something for myself. But now Im wanting more visit free days. Seems so disloyal of me. He's stuck in that home, more or less at the mercy of the staff. The situation is in danger of consuming me again. I miss the relationship,warts n all. I feel evil to have the thoughts rolling round my head that I'm in charge of my own life etc etc. I see 3 of the male visitors who go every single day, one who takes Sundays off to eat with his sister. 2 of the females are similar to me. One seems to have accepted that she cannot go every single day. The other is like me. Fighting the GM for wanting some some time.
I don't really know why I'm posting this? Trying to justify to myself I think that it's ok to have such mixed emotions
Definitely OK to have mixed feelings!! You know there is absolutely nothing you can do to make hubby better or change his situation, and he is in a safe place. You must move on and learn to live a new life, on your own. The last few years have been very difficult, and you deserve to enjoy the summer weather whilst it lasts, to feel better yourself, mentally and physically. Sometimes, the feelings of genuine happiness and enjoyment can be elusive.
Hi Pet
I think it just means you are moving forward a little further on your journey.
Yes it is sad that your husband can't be on that journey but you know he can't be. He's safely parked in a cul-de-sac to which you can return when you want to or are needed, but your journey is, and will be, taking you further forward down different routes little by little
Xx
MrsA
Thank you BB and Mrs A. It is a constant emotional battle that I must win. I have had feelings of despair and thoughts of whats the point.
Then I look at the photos,videos etc my daughter sends me re my Grandsons, have a lovely txt, from my 1st granddaughter,plus 2nd granddaughter calls in with a cake and a plea for me to repair a dress she loves ( she has tons of clothes lol) . A big part of my question answered!!
I've been very brave?? this week. Visited hubby every other day. Today DD 2 txd to say she was going so if I wanted a rest to take it. I was actually ready to go to hubby. Dithered and pithered but decided I would take her up on the offer. Went to Solihull rather than stay in feeling anxious. I was thinking of him lots and trying very hard to get the guilt monster to b off! DD tells me he was ok. They watched the athletics on TV. But now my head and heart are clashing. Suppose I'm seeking approval. I know that's mad but honestly that's how I feel.
I did manage to get middle grandson school trousers of his liking ( yes the uniforms are flying off the shelves already!) So DD has gained. Not that I'm grumbling about that. I usually help out happily.
Full approval given. In my darkest hours I always think of my family and how lost they'd be without me.
936 posts