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I can't cope with being the bad guy - Carers UK Forum

I can't cope with being the bad guy

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
I've cared for my husband for years firstly with his mental health problems and in the past five years with his copd. Three weeks ago he went nuts and became aggiatated and violent. He is in a mental hospital at moment. The doctors think he may have some form of dementia. For the past few days he has been angry and paranoid. I'm the bad guy today and having to deal with his rants and abusive language I have cared for him with no help from any outside agency or family. I'm alone in this. I feel a little overwhelmed today. If he has dementia as well I don't know if I will be able to cope with that. I feel like a bad person even saying that
Hi Joanna and welcome Image
I've moved you into New Members where more people will see you and be able to give you advice.
Don't feel bad about saying you don't know if you will be able to cope. You've been through a lot already, so it's no wonder you're feeling like this.
Hello and welcome. I'm pleased you dropped by....

I can understand how you feel. I think we would all feel much the same way in your shoes. Nothing wrong or bad about how you are feeling. You are having to come to terms with, and accept, such a terribly hard situation. Far worse than anything I have to confront and deal with. People here will know what you are going through and will accept and understand your thoughts and emotions. It is just so tough on you.

So please... no reason to feel like a bad person. Just the opposite. You have put up with so much. You are a kind and good person confronted with a dreadful situation. Folk here will support you. Dont feel alone in this, please.

Take care. All good wishes...


So sorry to hear about your hubby.
Please try the Alzheimers Society website and forum.
They have been an immeasurable help to me since my hubby was diagnosed with vascular dementia. You do not have to have a definate diagnosis to join.

You are not terrible for thinking you will not be able to cope and there is nothing wrong if you have to ask people for help. If he has some form of dementia he should get (not everywhere is the same) a community phyciatic (sp) nurse-CPN- you can turn to for help. He might also be given drugs to calm him down re the aggression.

Take care and best wishes.
Thanks. I think the dementia thing is a bit like the straw that could break my back. I didn't mention as I'm not used to sharing any if this with anyone. I just usually get on with it. I don't want to come across as a victim or someone looking for attention. I care for my 23 year old son he can be difficult to handly too. He hasn't left the house in over a year his doctor said he had a social phobia and gave him antidepressant He was diagnosed with ADHD as a child but I have thought for some years now it maybe autistic spectrum disorder I can't get his doctor to listen to me. They stuck him in the ADHD box and now can't see the forest for the trees. His life is being wasted all he does is sit at home
Forgive my ranting. Yesterday was a tough day and feel I'm drowning in this and the ones who are supposed to help are standing on the shore and won't throw a safety ring. I found this site last nite and once I'd started writing this it's just spilling out and I can't seem to stop it. This is not me I don't wallow in self pity and I don't feel my husband or son are a burden. I am usually ok

Don't worry about sounding off, that's what the forums are for.

Take care. xxx
Morning Joanna....welcome to the forum. I think you will find, no make that "I know" you will find that you have landed in the right place here! There are many people here who will be able to offer you advice and many others who will simply be here to support you. Anyway, welcome!

It is obvious from what you have said that you have an awful lot to cope with and help has been less than forthcoming from various areas. Please do not feel guilty, many of us have been in similar frame of mind at some point whilst caring and it is perfectly normal to feel this way. You have needs as well and somewhere along the line these have to be considered. Perhaps a Carers Assessment is due?

Right, I will stop my ramblings and just welcome you aboard!

Bell x
Dear Joanna,
You deserve a medal for coping for so long. It would be quite wrong to say that you are "the bad guy" because you no longer able feel to cope with caring for your husband. Your husband's needs are currently assessed as being so high that he needs the specialist nursing care of a hospital. One woman cannot begin to offer the same level of care at home, under any circumstances. Your son needs a lot of care as well. I have a hyperactive son with LD and became so ill, caring without a break for years, that he now lives elsewhere, so I speak from personal experience. I hope that the hospital are being realistic about your circumstances. Take care.
Everybody is different,and we all have our breaking point.You have done much more than many would have.It`s easy to say don`t feel guilty,but many of us do when we contemplate difficult decisions.But never forget,you have a life to live too.It may be that you will feel differently if they can control his mental health problems with medication,or it may be that the time has come for you to say i`ve done my best and can do no more.Whatever happens,you have friends here,and i doubt anyone who is a carer will criticise you whatever your decision.I wish you luck during a difficult time. Image Image Image
It's good to have standards as long as they are not set so unrealistically high that you can't keep them up without hurting you and/or your husband/son. They need to be achievable in the long term. Sometimes you have to work out the ones which are most important,(safety for example) and which can sometimes be relaxed (using a tumble dryer to make your life easier, or having a ready meal ?). The difficult ones are letting go, letting someone else do things which you do better, but don't have the time for etc. etc. Ten different people would probably have ten different ideas of priorities, the important thing is what is right for you. The most difficult of all are making decisions for those you love, when they can't make them for themselves. The feeling of responsibility is huge, so it's important that you share these with someone experienced in these things. Hope that helps a bit. I found working through things like this after my husband died very difficult indeed, but now I have a sense of direction which had eluded me for a long time.