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new member -where should I be? - Page 4 - Carers UK Forum

new member -where should I be?

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
I asked for more help in the daytime (Mum gets 2 1/2hr visits a/m & p/m) -I end up helping out as well when she's in the mood not to accept help! I asked for an extra 1/2hr in the day and was told I could only have it if I gave up one of the 1/2 hrs she already gets! They also quibble over an extra 10mins -even tho' most of the time she gets 10mins less than her allocated time because I help out - I really hate to think what they'd say if I asked for an extra night!! :cheer: :ohmy: Think I've just gone mad with the faces!!
Hi Jakki
Would it be possible for you not to return on time when your sis is doing her 2 hour slots? Either by arrangement or by accident? Or what about you come up with a need for her to stay (without you there, am sure you need to visit someone or have hospital appt of your own :;) one time so she can see what's it like to put mum to bed .
I know shes difficult so just wondering if subterfuge rather than requests might bring a better result for you
I am feeling so angry this morning - I'm spitting feathers!! The DN has just called to take Mum's annual bloods - I said I'm desperately in need of some wipes Big ones - the baby wipes I can get from the chemist- I've been left with dressings to put on her sacrum for the last few months - I'm the one who assesses her pressure areas. I said I've had no response to my phone calls and have resorted to using wet kitchen towels for her nether regions - all I'm asking is for a pkt of wipes every fortnight. The DN said it was policy in 'chronic cases' to only visit every 3 months - even though Mum's bedfast - because she's on a pressure relieving mattress she's not considered 'high risk' Excuse me I know Waterlow scores' and hers is high - but she's classed as 'low maintenance' - and how much of that is to do with their knowledge of my nursing experience?? OK rant over sorry guys I know others have a far harder time than me -but sometimes I just need to let off steam!!
If it were me, I would phone up the district nurse manager as soon as possible and if no result then speak to the Manager's manager. I have had to do this in the past.
Good luck
:cry: is there anyone out there? I'm feeling very bad :cry:
Yes I'm going through the posts
Whats wrong (hugs)
Hi Jakki welcome i haven't been on the forum that long but i must say it has been my godsend and at times kept me sane anyhow i know in a way how you feel i am carer to my hubby who at 57 has just been diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia and it was my SIL whom got my back because at first she wanted to keep visiting him at home as though he had a terminal illness and could not get outside to visit anywhere so i put my foot down on that one then she do's say" you know if any help is needed just ask "I don't think i should ask they know the situation can you actually not just offer instead of putting me in that predicament knowing i won't ask for help anyway because when said like that i feel it is just a gesture they think gotta say then txt;s me to see how things are when i get the time to txt her she will ask me to then phone her but specify certain times as she busy with friends or going somewhere it doesn't happen all the time but when it do's my blood boils actually because i think selfishly oh it must be wonderful to be able to just leave instructions for people and swan around at your leisure doing nice things i crave to do that :mad: so i sympathise just because you are unmarried and a nurse doe's not give anyone especially family to surmise that this is your role entirely without having a life for yourself just like they want :( please take care of yourself lol x
I'm just having a really bad time - I want to cry all the time - not for Mum - she's got no idea what I'm going through- but yesterday big sis turns up and says 'put her in a home' - 'give yourself a break' - this is someone who got me to take early retirement on a vastly reduced pension. When I said it wouldn't be a good idea - she literally jumped up out the chair, ran into the back garden, and then accused me of 'putting her on a guilt trip'!! So I gave her a hug and said 'It doesn't matter' She cried lots of tears - why do I feel I can't cry? And why was I the one feeling guilty - and why is no one there to give me a hug. LOL big sis says 'I'd come over more often -but you never go anywhere!! - I've moved 300 miles to look after Mum - and sold my house - she's offering to come over twice a week for 2hrs at a time - what sort of a car does she think I drive, to get to see my friends!! I've recovered a bit and gone into my usual irreverent mode
Pet - i put a long post on yesterday about the evocativeness about words like 'home' and Mum' - but it disappeared into the ether! (again) took me ages to write cos I was feeling so bad, but I'll go through your posts again and try to compose another - love to everyone - I wish my 'local' sister was better than she is- but then I wouldn't be here looking after Mumxx
Hi Jakki
Sorry took ages to get back to you. Visiting hubby. New norm!
Sometimes as you know, ' helicopter ' siblings have the knack of making you feel awful, it's easier for them. That saying " put someone in a home" is horrible to me. The fact your sister said those words seem harsh. If she said let's discuss an option or such words it may not have seemed so harsh. For a start, 2hours just isn't enough. Could you explain that with the hope she will see sense and give you more respite?
Probably, the tears will come, when you least expect it.
Here's the (((((hug)))) you need and deserve
Jakki, what about a respite break for you and your mum, with mum in a care home for a week or two? I do appreciate, if I've understood this correctly, that you have opted, with family consultation, for a 'conserve mum's estate by looking after her ourselves'....so in a way, if you've already sold your house and taken early retirement on a reduced pension, is there any point in now 'blowing' your mum's money on residential care? (I am assuming that you will get 'paid back' for all that you've given up, by getting proportionate MORE of your mum's estate than your sisters! Anything else would be grossly unfair!) (Yes, I know it's about best care for your mum, but there is NO reason for you to be 'ripped off' by your sisters who have got you to do all the caring, much more cheaply than in a care home, and then they put their hands out for equal shares of your mum's estate when the time comes!)

Or would respite for you for a week or so not really crack the problem for you? Is it just 'more regular help' that you want? If so, then if your sister's won't give their time, will they give their money so you can buy in extra care-help for your mum, to give you the time out that you need? (Or take it from your mum's money of course, if that's possible??).

Apologies if I've misunderstood the financial set up, and that your mum would be eligible for LA-funded residential care anyway.

As for you 'not crying' maybe it's a case of your professional nurse's training kicking in automatically (otherwise nurses would be emotional wrecks I would imagine).or that, somewhere inside, you feel that if you started to cry, you might just never stop.....

Wishing you as well as can be - kind regards, Jenny