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new member -where should I be? - Page 3 - Carers UK Forum

new member -where should I be?

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Dear Pet and Bowling Bun, Thanks for your replies. As I said I truly wasn't expecting any at all because I feel like such a wuss with not being able to deal with my sister. In a way I've gone for the 'passive/aggressive' stuff with spending Mum's money. A couple of years ago when I said to Sister - 'I've given up my job/life, moved 1/2way across the country etc.' and I feel really isolated - her response was 'At least your not in Afghanistan!!' But I do feel in a war zone. My Mum's got less than mimimum savings- so I'm not protecting her inheritance - I've lost a lot of my pension with giving up work - but to me these are little things - I just want my Mum's surviving years to be the best they can be. I've lost about £100K because when I sold my house it was at the VERY low end of the market. Now I feel awful cos it seems like it's all about money! but as I say -she has none -it's the money (and friends and lifestyle) I've lost that makes me feel sadXX
Bad weekend - Mum stopped drinking and couldn't get her to take more than 250mls a day. Dilemma on Sunday - do I ring the family? She got very confused and quite adamant she wouldn't have a drink and she'd had so little - (I could have taken a very large glass of the white!). So I rang the family, saying 'we've been here several times, so I might be wrong', explained everything to Joy the sitter and went to bed. Didn't sleep well with worry - and wouldn't you know - when I came down on Monday at 6.30 - she was her usual self!! Mum goes to Heaven's door and chooses not to knock, but whenever she does it she slips a little lower on the stairs. So she's even more frail now. I said to my brother that if she died I wouldn't be sure whether my feeling of grief would be outweighed by my feelings of relief, a common feeling when you're looking after anyone who's chronically ill.
Not expecting a response - often that feeling of relief is one that people don't want to acknowledge.
Reading through what I've written - I've not explained how ill she was - but I'm a nurse - I don't do panic! I'd really hate that we all panicked and then she spent her last hours in a hospital surrounded by very busy nurses whom she didn't know.
On to fight another day, Jakki!!
Jackie, I would say it's not only extremely natural to feel relief, but that we 'should' feel relief, when a very frail, sick person is released from a body that has become a prison for them.

Of course we don't 'only' feel relief - we feel heartbreak too. Even when my MIL eventually dies, I shall probably shock myself by being devastated, even though I know there are no 'heartstrings' to her.

To me, the 'relief' is because the person has been 'released' - and, yes, we are too. I don't, personally, think there is any 'shame' in that at all.

I do hope that when the time for your mum does come, that as you say, she will not be in hospital, but at home, with those who love her 'waving her off'.

Kindest wishes - not an easy time for you, not an easy time at all....
When my mum died, everyone was certainly relieved. She had soldiered on bravely through incredible problems, very stoical, seldom complaining, but hated being in a nursing home, hated the frailty of her body, hated having plumbing problems, hated the pain. I think we all felt "Thank goodness, no more suffering". I miss mum so much, but could wish her to live a moment longer.
When the GP rang to say she was in a lot of pain, despite very strong pain relief, I said "I have Health and Welfare Power of Attorney. My instructions to you are very simple and very clear. I do not want mum to be in any pain. Pain relief must be the top priority, regardless of the consequences". We both knew that the amount of pain relief needed would put her to sleep forever, she passed away peacefully in her sleep less than 36 hours later, her suffering was over.
A year on, I still feel a huge range of emotions. My son has POA, both financial and health and welfare, and I've told him to do the same for me as I did for mum, if necessary. POA's are best done years in advance, when we are fit and well.
I am SO tired - I feel I can't post how tired I feel - I can't post how disappointed I feel with my sister not being able to support me when my brother can't come over because his daughter's sick. Last week I posted my feelings on Facebook and got lots of positive stuff from friends - why can't she talk and give me more support, she's completely ignored everything - all I want is someone to talk to - I want to cry - but the tears are dry.
I'm sorry I haven't been able to reply to new postings and give support - but life can be crap at times.
:mad: Sorry - didn't mean to post that - just feeling a bit sorry for myselfXX :P :P :P
Jakki, of course you should have posted it - that's what this board is for! I've just sounded off massively myself (MIL has repeatedly tried to escape via the front door of her realky, really nice care home, and it's got so bad they are finally expelling her as they just can't cope with it - so she now has to move to a much grimmer care home that has a secure, lock-down area on the lower floor. She will hate it even more than she hates where she is now, which is lovely, and she's brought it entirely on herself and I am SO frustrated and exasperated by it all!)

I know I will sound a bit like a cracked record, but I think you really do need to give up totally on your waste-of-space sister. She really, really isn't going to have a Damascene conversion and suddenly turn in to the loving, supportive, care-sharing sister you long for her to be. I fear you are beating your head against a brick wall, and that just gives YOU a headache, not her!

How are things with your mum these days?
Jakki, if mum is so near the end, she is entitled to Fast Track Continuing Healthcare. Make sure you ask the GP to arrange it for you, and then there should be help within 48 hours. If nothing else, it would be some company and support for you. Yes, I know you are a nurse, but your patient is your mum, and that's different.
Dear Jenny and Bowling Bun -Mum's going nowhere soon!! And neither am I! Mum's been fast tracked once - but she gets such fantastic nursing from her daughter -( wouldn't get that in the NHS!! ) it's been stopped. I've got into the habit now that when my sister comes over (tues and Sat 2Hrs a time) I have to leave or I may end up screaming. She's not increased her hours even tho' she knows my brother can't get over. I think she's a bit annoyed cos her son's Mrs who's a nurse in training has offered to come round to give me some 'time out' and she's been really good with Mum! I know there's no point in saying anything to Sis - she's just too defensive and gets me to the point where I feel I'm in the wrong for asking for help or support. I don't know what she'd say if I voiced my dark feelings to her -(I'm sure you know the ones I mean). God knows what I'd do if the Continuing care got stopped. Those 3 nights a week help me feel human.
Good that you are getting Continuing Care for 3 nights, but that still leaves you to do the other four?! Have you asked for more recently?