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new member -where should I be? - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

new member -where should I be?

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Hi again Jakki
I kind of 'get' being 70 and not wanting to be involved with 'care' at least not full on, full time care. However I do think this sister could give you some time every week She could have 'her' afternoon, or day or night, whatever, which would not be too much for her surely.
I haven't worked out just how many siblings you have but in fairness all the care for Mum should be divided fairly between you all.
If sister is 70, then Mum must be 90ish surely? However there might be years yet. My mum is 99.
It's not clear to me whether you have involved Social Services. Mum having not much money means they will pay for all care they deem appropriate. Have you taken advantage of this yet with a Needs assessment and carer's needs assessment? If so, and Mum is receiving all the assessed care and you are receiving extra care for mum in order to give you some little time to yourself surely the extra care needed, to help you keep healthy and sane should be paid for, firstly out of any money Mum has or otherwise shared between the siblings?
In other words tell big sis that if she can't be bothered to take her turn they she can pay for some extra weekly carers.
It sounds as if 2 of your siblings give some financial help? Well that's something.
Trust me Mrs. Average - I was never a biddable child! And I'm not a biddable adult! But what I am is an adult child who wants the best for her mum- and Mum wants to stay at home, and I will do the best I can to provide that. In family dynamics it's very often the older children who can't cope with their parents being 'children' which is the thing with my sister - and trust me the last thing I need is 'assertive training'. I've had so much I can run the course!. But I've had a lovely day out today - a bit compromised by Mum being a bugger when I got back. This has made me ring my brother and say my sister HAS to give more support. I may get 3 night sitters a week - but I'm up 7 days a week, and when I get the chance to get out I do so, but because of her defence strategies it's always been difficult to do. Sorry - my grammar's gone haywire because I'm so tired. But I think it's got to a point where those of us who are helping Mum are getting a bit fed up with her carrying on with her life. and Jenny the reason I can do such perceptive posts is because I've spent my working life trying not to let family get into my situation. Hey -ho - Life never works out like you want it to!!
Can you explain why mum needs "night sitters"? It could indicate that she would be eligible for NHS Continuing Healthcare?
Dear bowlingbun - Continuing care is a big anomaly- it's granted for a while and then reviewed - Mum was granted it because she was under palliative care so it was automatic - but because she was getting such good care from me! she didn't die, so now it's reviewed every 3 months or so - the last time - much to everyone's surprise it was granted under 'immanent carer breakdown' i.e - if it wasn't given I'd be the one in care!, but I'm always expecting it to be taken away. When I was working, I used to tell relatives not to tell homes they'd got c/care - because if it was taken away then the family would have to make up the shortfall!
Bottom line - what sort of pressure can you bring to bear on your sister so that she does SOMETHING at least for her mum (and for you!)?

I'm glad you're 'unbiddable' and 'assertive' (!), so how can you best put those qualities to use in bringing pressure on your sister. Can you warn her that if she EVER makes a SINGLE request to you for ANYTHNG AT ALL, she can simply GO AND STUFF HERSELF! (Or, indeed, bring any 'current' pressure on her?)

I would say that you do simply have to 'pass anathema' on her, ie, 'expel' her from your family - you don't send her birthday cards, you don't speak to her, etc etc. If she continues to be 'part of the family' in the usual way, then she will never get off her lazy backside for her mum!

When people behave badly, it's very, very common for them to behave 'as if they were NOT doing anything wrong'....they kind of try and fool everyone else, and blithely behave as though, hey, this is OK, isn't it? They really on others not calling them to account, not standing up to them, not calling their bluff. So you have to rise to that challenge!!!!!
Oh I'm so so tired! And I've had a 'makeover'! the bottom line Jenny is that my brother and I have decided we can't do anything about my sister giving more help, she's not capable and gets 'defensive/passive aggressive' if we try. it's very sad. I'm getting to the end of my tether, and I feel I could go on for longer with more support from my sister. I feel like a right wimp. I'm trying something very different for me now because I'm getting a bit fed up of being called a 'stupid/selfish bitch' (behaviour my sister never sees and doesn't want to know about) so I'm giving Mum lorazepam!! - it's either she takes it or I do! And last night I went to bed - leaving all the doors open so I could hear her - she woke me up at 4.30 - but at least I got 5hrs sleep in bed. How to I get onto 'roll call' i read a post from 'Pete the Paint' and wanted to give some advice on meds but I'm a numpty on the comp and can't negotiate the site. March is locked now so can't get on that - yours very tired jakkixx
jakki_1603 wrote:. How to I get onto 'roll call' i read a post from 'Pete the Paint' and wanted to give some advice on meds but I'm a numpty on the comp and can't negotiate the site. March is locked now so can't get on that
Hi Jakkie we start a new 'roll call' at the beginning of each month (otherwise it has a tendency to become massive very quickly :shock: ). "Roll Call" is always in "Members Corner" which in turn is part of the "Social Area" - this is a link to April's Roll Call where you can answer Pete's March Roll Call post (you can still read any topic that has been 'locked' although you can't post an answer in it :) )
https://www.carersuk.org/forum/social-a ... call-25544
I'm not expecting any response to this, but I need somewhere to 'sound off' so I'm sending a message into the ether. Someone up there is giving me brownie points! and I'll probably get to Heaven sooner rather than later! My sister came back from her cruise and paid a visit and brought us fridge magnets! and then yesterday didn't pay her normal visit because she'd been up all night (as had I), and it was raining!! When she visited the other day I told her I was going to use some of Mum's savings to get a cleaner in once a week as it was becoming increasingly difficult to keep the house tidy as because of my increasing exhaustion, I couldn't be all things. She said that if I paid someone to give the house a major clean then she'd continue after that. Also when I said I felt so much better after my makeover, she said she'd fit in her visits so I could have a hairdo/stress relief session once a week. And then she says she can't visit because it's raining! I've spoken to Mum about going into care and she burst into tears. And to be honest - it would be the worst thing for her with her being bed-bound. She'd end up being stuck in a bedroom all day with the TV on. and be incontinent because no one came to check on her, or worse they'd insist she got out of bed (she can't sit out for more than 1/2 hr) and then she'd become agitated with the discomfort and pain and it wouldn't be recognised as such and she'd end up on medication she didn't need. She only takes the odd lorazepam at the moment. I've decided I'm going to spend her money on making things easier for the two of us - none of her surviving children need her money. At some point I'll get my life back - just hope I'm not too tired to enjoy it!! Long post - and I know some will say I'm a wuss for not dealing with my sister's selfishness but she's just so defensive and it just would be too stressful with all the crap I've got in my life. So I'm spending her inheritance with looking after Mum!! Of course I'm spending mine too - but I don't care! I don't expect a response for being a wuss, but I hope people appreciate me spending her little bit of money with looking after her!!xx
Definitely spend your sister's "inheritance" on cleaners, carers etc. She is incredibly self centred. From now on, don't expect anything at all from here, then you won't be disappointed. Don't spend your inheritance though. You are entirely entitled to take a portion of mum's money to pay yourself a weekly wage. (Assuming she has over the £23,000 limit for SSD care?) Don't sell yourself short, you really are worth it, when mum's care in a nursing home would cost around £1,000 a week!!! There is a name for family members like your sister. They are "helicopters", just drop in occasionally to tell you what to do, then fly off again. So next time she comes, think "Here comes the Helicopter!"
Hi. This is very childish of me. Next time your sister plays helicopter I would return the fridge magnets and say you would rather have someone to clean the fridge! That's me feeling very angry for you. Some family members are Fairweather supporters. Not much help at all.
You probably won't do that and I understand. It's my way of saying am on your side.xx