New member, but long time carer, struggling badly....

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211 posts
You dial 999 because you have been a victim of domestic abuse. Because that's what it is. You've been subject to verbal abuse, now it's turned physical. Do you have a camera on your phone, or a recording facility. If so, use it.
When did you last have a carers assessment?

Can you lock your bedroom door to keep your stuff safe if you left for a few days? If so, then why not pack an overnight bag and next time she is abusive just leave home for a few days? You cannot be forced to care and it is completely and utterly outrageous behaviour.
Please go down to your doctor's surgery this morning, and ask for an emergency appointment on the spot. It's important that the doctor - and the receptionist - see the blow-impact on your face, and the bruising starting. Take a 'selfie' if you can with your phone, or even with a camera held away from your face.

Tell your GP exactly what happened with your mother, and how she is.

The purpose now is to 'gather evidence' at an official level, so as to build a case for why your mum is, even if only currently, 'violently psychotic' or whatever medical terms will be used.

This is NOT endurable. Not by ANY standards. There are NO excuses. Please don't feel sorry for her. If you do truly pity her for her infirmity, then you will know she now NEEDS to be looked after in a 'safe' environment that includes YOUR safety too - ie, she needs to be in some kind of medical/care facility, whether that is a hospital, a mental hospital, a nursing home, or a residential care home that is equipped for such aggressive behaviour (which, sadly, is all too common with dementia of any kind)

Wishing you well, and hoping this is the start of a NEW phase of your life. The old one CANNOT continue and should NOT continue.

It's great you went out last night - it's a question nof 'TELL' don't 'ASK' - you're a gron up woman, you can make your own choices in life. You're not a little girl who has to obey her parents and do what they tell her to do!
Bowlingbun/Jenny

I don't have any brusing - it was a smack on my cheek but not hard enough to cause physical damage - its just that my mother has NEVER ever been violent in her life.

I've been speaking to various relevant people on the phone this morning and am trying to get an urgent SS assessment done by a mental health team. The problem seems to be that the GP obv cant force her to go to hospital for tests & these episodes of total mania rapidly generate & then clear that even by the time an ambulance arrived she'd be back to 'normal' and I think we'd be back to square one again - as not sure how au fait paramedics are with mental disorders? having said this - if things get so bad again I shall have to call them.

Thank you so much for your help and support. I am determined I will get mum the treatment she needs and I will have my life back - somehow.
Hi Diane
Sorry not to have replied before, I did try this morning but post vanished so will start again. I just wanted to say that I know what you are going through with all the shouting and verbal protests. As you well know and rightly say this is not mum doing any of this but the dementia disease. I've been trhough phases of Dad protesting loudly and calling me frequently through the night. I've had the GP prescribe Mirtazapine and Melatonin which have helped to a degree but have been referred on to Community Mental Health Drs who havwe now visited and awaiting their input, although Dad is problematic as so many other illnesses/medication in the mix, no one quite knows what to do with him. I just wanted to say, keep pestering the GP for a referral to Community Mental Health. The hospital will more than likely just be revolving doors as they can't treat dementia and mental health issues are just discharged back out into the community.
Once you've got the medication adjusted , if you want to, it should be possible to continue caring for her at home. Personaly I couldn't cope all on my own and would highly recommend that you get a carer in to help at least once a day. You may find as I have that medication changes bring further decline such as incontinence and staying in bed more but once the behaviour is better manages , the other issues are easier to deal with. You are not alone!
As BB said , if you live with mum as I do with Dad then it is in your interests not to have the house sold to pay for care. You can use up any of mum's savings above £23,250 before the LA would start to contribute to any funding. If care were provided at home by agency staff the house would be disregarded in any financial assessment but if mum were to go into residential care the house would need to be sold even if you have lived thereall your life and you would be left homeless (like me) .
Have you heard of CHC funding? Google this if you don't know about it and ask for it- extremely hard to get it and a definite post code lottery-hasn't worked fo rme but you may be lucky.
Under what 'provision' do you live in your mother's house? Have you lived there all your life? You said you worked for the family business (grossly underpaid and exploited!) but have you never 'left home'? I take it you have no savings of your own, or own a property of your own outright?

I'm asking in order to try and see what your potential 'escape routes' might be, if the time comes when you cannot bear to be in the same house as your mum, and your mum is not in residential/nursing/mental(sectioned) care.

You've mentioned work, as in paid work, but said you can't do this at the moment because of the burden of looking after your mum. However, if you lived somewhere else, and was not looking after your mum (or, of course, if she went into residentiall care) could you earn enough to earn your living? Could you earn enough to pay rent somewhere?

I'm trying to explore alternative options for you, rather than the grim current situation you are in. As Henrietta says, the last thing you want is for the house you have waited and worked for for SO long is to be sold to pay for your mum in residential care! Almost anything would be preferable to that! (As I say, have you been left the house/savings, and could she change her will still?) (if she does have mania/dementia, at some point if it progresses she won't be able - ie, legally able - to change her will, and whatever it now is, will stand)(this has happened to my MIL)

One other option, though it would be gruelling to put into practice, is simply to go on living in your mum's house, but not look after her! Insist that carers come in (paid, but out of your mum's savings, as Henrietta has indicated)(and not jeopardising the house) and do the most of it, That would really only work, in practice, I suspect if YOU were not in the house (ie, you were in a job outslide) -other wise your mum will assume that her 'usual slave' is available to wait on her hand and foot.....

(She might, too, if she still has legal capacity, punish you by writing you out of her will???)
Jenny,

I did leave home at 25 and rented 3 homes - I guess i was always hoping I'd get married & buy a home with my partner, have kids etc but I don't suppose you'll be too surprised to learn that every guy I met my parents hated, which resulted in wage decreases as punishment and escalated to my mother bellowing down the phone that my father was in hospital, dying - and my relationship upset had caused it. Dad made a speedy full recovery, once that relationship ended. I met my current partner a month after Dad did die and Mum has loathed him from day one. But we are still together - his mum has dementia but he copes & goes to work from his family home & he's been great trying to help me through this. That said, I'm not sure he'd be chuffed at me moving in there, and of course, I'd prob still end up being a carer with little time to actually work again....:/

I honestly don't know if I could earn enough - rental round here is sky high - 800/900 per month plus bills for a small place and I couldnt leave the dog behind - she'd kill him with her darn cigarette smoking.

The house/savings etc is all left to me (so far) family solicitor knows her & me well ...and in one respect, mum insisting I let her phone the practise last week - only to let rip one of her worst vitrioles of pyscho fantasy on said solicitor probably hasnt done too much to instill a belief of capacity. Then again - I have NO idea who or how they decide this. So far it seems that even the most irrational behaviour passes the 'test'??? So yes, she probably, given my fortunes, still change her will.

I honestly don't think I have many - if any 'escape routes' now. I am going to try to get CMH in place (thanks Henrietta - I will reply to you in the morning more bless you for the heads up on so much!!!) and hope I can get some meds and backup. Right now, I'm so tired and dreading another night of hell with her insulting me & tormenting me - but I have no money, nowhere to go & a poor dog that's almost as scared of the dark nights as me now. Wish me luck & thanks again! xxxx
We are all here supporting you from a distance, but you have been bullied for so, so many years. I could hardly believe that you'd been punished by a wages cut!
One thing I've forgotten to mention earlier is for you to start a notebook/diary, of what you are doing and when, and what she is doing and when. This will be really useful for the CMH Team.
If she has lashed out at you once, it is likely that she will do so again, so please, please keep safe. Do you have a lock on your door?
Make sure you have a mobile phone in your pocket, in case you need to make an emergency call. I'm afraid you are sat on a volcano about to "blow" in some way.
If at all possible, make sure your Carers Assessment is updated. Do you have an email address of the Carers Support worker or similar?
Maybe look on the internet and make a note of your Social Services "out of hours" duty officer?
If mum doesn't agree to go to hospital willingly, there are certain circumstances when she can be detained against her will, especially if she is a danger to herself or others.
Diane, first off, I'm SOOOO glad you have a partner! Even if it's tricky to be together, the point is you have 'someone else in your life' and future that 'awaits' you (both) (Hopefully his mum is nothing like the appalling 'monster' that your mother/father has been)(it's truly terrifying, what they did to you - truly terrifying.....)(talk about 'control freaks'!!!!)

However, that is, probably, for the 'later' that WILL come. In the end, YOU will win this dreadful battle with your parents. Your father is dead, and your mother cannot live that much longer, I'm sorry if that sounds brutal, and I do appreciate that one of the most sad aspects of abused children (which you are, no doubt about it) is that they still love their parents - it's natural and understand that since they are the only parents you have, you wept at your father's death....and will, yes, probably weep for your mum.

But, in a very real way, I would say that what you wept for was the father he SHOULD have been, as you will weep for the mother she SHOULD have been. And, who knows, deep in their twisted, punishing, controlling pysches, something really bad happened to THEM in their turn - it's what I believe, again, only speaking personally, I think makes sense. What twisted them to make them so cruel to you, refusing to let you have a life of your own, abusing you (by exploiting you financially as they clearly did)? Somethig made them the way they are, and if one can take that as a 'given', even if you don't know what it was, it does help, not to excuse them (such treatment cannot be excused) at least perhaps to explain them. Think of them, perhaps, as the warm, loving, supportive parents they SHOULD have been, and which, perhaps, you did get glimpses of, in between all their horrible, cruel controlling of you.....

But twisted and warped is, alas, the only way they come across - no 'good' parent would treat you as they treated you, and whatever made them like that, they should NOT have been like that.
I'm glad that you seem to be your mother's heir (as you SO deserve to be!). However, if she has 'raved' down the phone to a laywer, that is 'good' from your point of view.

You ask, what does it take to prove 'lack of capacity' but I can tell you from my own experience that it doesnt' take a great deal!

With my MIL, as her dementia developed, I took her to her own lawyer to change her will (very weirdly, her and her husband's will had left their 'estate' - basically the value of their flat and their modest savings - to their two sons, but in the event of the death of one of them, the other son 'got the lot'. Now, the problem was, my husband had died, but we have a son, so, as it stood, my MIL's will would have left everything to her surviving son, and nothing to her grandson!. That'swhat she was changing, to split everything equally between her younger son and her grandson, which was only fair)(I(especially since i'ts me who is doing all the caring, as her surviving son is the in USA!).

How, it was fine changing her will in that respect, no problem, her dementia wasn't that advanced, and the solicitor was happy that he knew what she wanted to do, and so a new will was written up, and signed. So far so good.

BUT, she is Scottish, so the will is under Scots law. She then moved south to me (we are talking only a month or two later) and I thought it would be sensible to 'redo' the will under English law. So I took her to my own solicitor who'd done probate for my husband.

Well, I can tell you that within about five minutes my solicitor took me aside and said 'You'll have to stick with the Scotttish will - she doesn't understand what is happening any more!'

She sat my MIL down with me, and asked basic questions - 'What is your name?'
MIL - X Y

Solicitor: Do you have a middle name?

MIL (pause) I don't think so. (She does!)

S: OK, so, what are the names of your son and grandson?

MIL. (Pause) (smiles) Um. I dont' know.


That's about all it took. The soclitir tried a few more, then sai, OK, lets leave it for now....

Then, as I say, took me aside and said she could not draw up another will, my MIL was beyond knowing enough to make it legal. That was it.

So, I would say that if your mum has raved down the phone line to her solicitor, that's pretty much uindication she is 'too far gone'. Why not visit/phone the solicitor and ask??
Just to report - Mum blew her top at me finally this morning. Insisted she wouldnt use the commode unless the policeman came in from outside the door. Also started lighting several cigarettes all at once, leaving them in the ashtray then saying they were'nt going out proved the mad nurse that was trying to take control of her & the house had control of the ashtray now as well. I still told myself this HAD to be a UTI - just had to be. So I tried to give her the new tablets the doctor prescribed Tuesday. She went beserk at me and in the end I had to call 999 - I couldnt reason with her at all, she wanted no food, no water, just fags. She'd spent 4 solid hours yesterday just sat on the commode and same all last night - but she'd emptied a box of tissues all over her recliner chair and the ashtray was right next to them & had been all night.

The ambulance crew had a nightmare with her - she was totally out of control. I gave them the meds I'd been given for her. She's in hospital now and so far, they've rung to tell me its not testing positive for a UTI. So they are doing blood tests and keeping her in for a few days - they have said she has no capacity and they can do this. I'm going to see my GP tomorrow to see if he can prescribe me anything because I'm now just a bag of nerves - I can't keep food down any longer & I can't sleep - I even hear that wretched door bell call button 'ringing' when its not. I feel exhausted and totally drained and i just know I can't take anymore - I've gone as far as I can go, given her all I could. I truly think one more day and I would have considered taking my own life, but for my wonderful little dog.

I know I'll lose everything, but right now, I just want peace and to be able to stop crying. Bless you all for your kind support these past few days - you will never know how much of a lifeline this is for me xxxx
211 posts