New member, but long time carer, struggling badly....

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211 posts
No, Diane, you do NOT have to 'do right by your mother'. Your mother deserves NOTHING MORE from you. NOTHING.

You have given, and given, and given to her.

ENOUGH/.

OK, so what now. First of all, PLEASE put in writing to the hospital (as many copies as it takes) that you WILL NOT BE LOOKING AFTER YOUR MOTHER IN ANY WAY AT ALL.

IF you are in the house (but see below), it will be as if SHE IS NOT THERE as far as YOU are concerned.

You will be a 'lodger' that is all. You will not feed her, dress her, give her medicine, food, help with the lavatory, NOTHING AT ALL.

You MUST make this clear to them.

That means they MUST set up a 'care package' - ie, care-workers coming in - to do EV ERYTHING you did for her. EVERYTHING.

But, Diane, your most POWERFUL weapon now is your ABSENCE.

Wash your hands of your mother. Tell the hospital you are NOT coming in any more, you are NOT speaking to her, or them, about her, and that if you find her back at her house, you will leave it immediateliy.

What is the situation with your own finances? How much actual money have you got.

You do need to address this problem as it is the key to your freedom.

Please do not panic. But you MUST be firm, and clear - very, very clear.

YOU OWE YOUR MOTHER NOTHING (Except, in my view, 'punishment' for what she's done to you all your life)

But as you are sensing, the hospital want shot of her. Who wouldn't? The woman is a pain in the neck to everyone, not just you - a truly horrible person, even if she is your mother.

Diane, I know, believe me, how much you long for your mother to be the mother she SHOULD be - it's quite natural that you do. You long to think that IF you treat her as a loving mother would be treated by her daughter that SHE will become a loving mother.

But she won't. I do, truly and profoundly, believe that your MORAL duty is not to allow her to be a horrible person any longer, in the sense of inflicting her horriblness on YOU.

If you 'give in' and take her back, then you collude with her behaviour - you condone it and 'approve' it.

That is WRONG. It's profoundly wrong to let your mother impose herself on you, or, indeed, anyone that is not being paid to do so!

She truly deserves NOT to be looked after by you. In fact, to my mind, she deserves a lot, lot worse! It's unforgiveably what she's done.

Now, she may well try and say anything and everything to 'make' you take her back and go back into your chains, resume your slavery

PLEASE IGNORE HER.

Diane, you mentioned a while back about your partner, who looks after his own mother. I do realise you can't just 'move in with him' but could you not go over and stay with him 'temporarily' - ie, the moment your mother returns home (IF that happens.)

Please find the courage you need now. It's hard, oh, it's hard, to find courage, but please please do so. Please REFUSE to have anything more to do with your mother's care. She is truly a bad person. Dreadful to say that, but she is.

PLEASE don't let her win. Find your courage, and walk away from her.
Has the DOLS on her expired? Otherwise how come she was able to refuse to have the CT scan? or did she just kick off and scream her head off again so they gave in?
Good point Jenny. In fact if she refuses, in a way it demonstrates even more the need for it, to see exactly what is happening inside her head. I do not say that flippantly.
Yes, it's a good Catch 22, isn't it?

WHY is she refusing a CT scan of her brain? Why, BECAUSE there is something wrong inside!

As for this 'delirium shoul be gone in a fortnight' - er, is Diane supposed to be dealing with a delirious and violent person for a fortnight?

Er, I think not!!!!!!
Hi Diane
Not detracting from anything said previously but just offering a little light at the end of the long dark tunnel. Dad was discharged with "delerium", spent a couple of weeks yelling at interemediate nurses and carers once he was home, refusing all care, steadily bit by bit, he has become less delerius. I wouldn't say recovered to former levels but the "madness" has subsided to a more manageable level.
Hello

I am very late to this post as I haven't been on here properly for a while. But I am completely rooting for you. You MUST keep refusing to have her home. You MUST keep saying that you will no longer be able to care for her. It will work. You cannot go on. Things WILL get better. They might be hard and awful at first whilst you get things sorted, but you will get there.

My situation is different to yours, as I don't live with my parents but I see many parallels. Up until March my Mum was caring for my very disable father and I was supporting her. Dad is also a bully and refused all outside help. For years me and my sister begged them to get more help and more and more things started falling to me and my sister to the point my sister business was suffering and felt I couldn't work and also care for them & my young children. My sister and myself were on the brink of collapse with it all (and we weren't even live in carers like you). In March Dad was admitted to hospital and I refused to have him home. We haven't looked back.

I have been through every emotion possible. It was me who refused to have him back and I had panic attacks about this for a while. But it was the right thing. Mum was subsequently diagnosed with dementia herself. But is thriving not having to look after him and is in her own home with some support. Dad is now in a nursing home. It took 6 months of him being in hospital and social services and CHC tried everything to get us to take him home. But we just refused and he was eventually granted CHC funding as his needs are so intense.

I have stopped visiting him as his behaviour has been so vile. He tried to kick me and bite my sister the last time we visited. I think much of this is a selfish bully not getting his own way.

I know your financial situation must be worrying, but if you give up your carers allowance there are other benefits available whilst you get yourself back on your feet. And you WILL get yourself back on your feet.

I haven't worked for 6 years and have just got a part time job starting in January and I am SO excited. And very, very grateful to all of the regulars on here (jenny, bowling bun, Mrs A, Pet and all the others) who supported me through a truly awful time. There is light at the end of the tunnel and REALLY hope you can find it.

Wishing you all the best. Sally
HI Sally,
I'm really pleased that things are now looking up, good luck with the new job. How exciting.
It's so important that others hear that it can be done, when everyone is bullying them. There are limits to the care one person can give.
Well done! How lovely to hear such a positive outcome because of your strength. Good luck with your new job, and I do hope your mother will be able to enjoy her peace for a very long time.
Keep in touch x
Sally, brilliant! Well done. ENJOY this 'freedom', and do make the very, very most of your mum, while she still has what mental powers she does - and she DOES deserve just as much a 'holiday from her husband' as you do, so I do hope you are 'pampering' her etc etc. :) I'm sure you are!

As for your father, well, disabled or not, he's reaping now what he sowed, and that really, is that. It's not that often that 'justice' happens in this world, but it does seem to have happened for your family - hurrah!

Diane - do take strength from Sally's story. And remember always - whenever anyone (nurse/doctor/hospital administrator/ social worker whoever) tries to get you to agree to your mum's return home they are NOT acting in HER best interests (anyone can see she needs to be in specialist care now!) and certainly not in YOURS.

They are simply acting in THEIR OWN INTERESTS.

And THAT is why you have to say no, and say no again, and then again, just like Sally did.

We will help you 'stay strong and say NO' as long as it takes for your mum to be finally moved into a care home.

Hang on in there!
Hi Everyone!

First of all - as always THANK YOU for the kindness and support you have shown me since I first posted on here - I really don't think I would have survived without you.

Sally - that's a wonderful story & i am so pleased for you all - and you are right - your father & my mother sound very alike!

I have contacted the hospital PAL team & explained my situation - the lady was very sympathetic and said she'd look into the matter but assured me that mother could NOT just be sent home without liasing with me first and again I reiterated that I could not under any circumstances cope with her at home, that she was a danger to herself and me because of the smoking and that I was under medical supervision for depression brought on by my caring role.

I went for a back up appointment to see my GP yesterday who was lovely & was horrified when I showed her one of the vids on my phone of mother tearing into me and told me on no accounts could I cope with her alone at home. After that I had to drop some clean clothes into hospital for mother. I'd steeled myself for abuse but it was worse than ever this time - she said that she wished she'd never adopted me as a baby and that I was pure evil and that everyone had warned her how vile I was. She thinks she's perfectly 'fit' and that I am 'in cahoots' with the nursing staff to keep her in hospital. I left her, just couldnt take any more, tried not to cry again - and failed.

I spoke to the nurse in charge of her who told me that a doctor had been to assess her that morning again & it was decided that she cannot come home to me - that she will need 24 hour care. How long that will 'stick' I do not know, but there's no sign of the DOLs being relaxed. I have asked them to do a CHC assessment non means tested as advised by one of the district nurse admins who has been a great support recently too.

It's still very early days and I know it's going to be a very long road. I also know the first thing mother will do is try to disinherit me & throw me out of the house, but she will have to go some to prove capacity now I think, and obviously isnt winning many friends in hospital with her attitude to nursing staff or me. I do hope my story can end as well as Sally's :) xxx
211 posts