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New Member - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

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bowlingbun wrote:
Thu Jan 18, 2018 8:55 am
Contact our CUK helpline for advice about Attendance Allowance. it covers mental, as well as physical problems. You have been given poor advice.
Next, start a diary of what happens, and when. Record phone calls. This will be useful evidence.
The brother with POA isn't doing his job properly I'm afraid. He needs a reality check.
As you cannot work, then you should be given the pay you have lost, he can employ you properly. This can be done through a "payroll service" but should include proper NI contributions and pension contributions.
Mum should be making a proper contribution to ALL household bills.
Start by writing all these down, listing them, and sending to brother. Make it clear that you CANNOT care for mum free of charge. (Is he trying to make sure he inherits as much as possible after she dies?!)
Brothers are not worried about inheritence, so money is no issue. They are hundreds of miles away so leave it up to us to decide when enough is enough. They will agree to whatever and have already agreed to care options that we decide is suitable. He will cover the cost until her money is released (in bonds mostly)

They are not happy that she is playing up and I cannot work. We are all at the stage of working out what is a problem and what is mind games, as she is deliberately being disruptive we think hoping that she will go back with him. This isn't an option as they are pensioners themselves and crippled with arthritis and cannot cope with her needs now. That said, many of her problems she was exhibiting there, so I feel the dementia is more involved in this.
If her requests are imaginary, respond to them in your own time.

If she has money, why can she not pay for someone to live in? That would induce her to apply for attendance allowance. If she doesn't want to apply for attendance allowance, she has no right to assume you will be her slave. If she's telling other people she can do everything, then leave her to do it. Otherwise you're putting yourself in a prison because she lies and won't try to help you.

You may feel you need to be a good son, but - unless she does actually have dementia - that's still a two-way street, isn't it? She has obligations to you, as well. If she's unable to deal with these, that's another issue - but if she's just unwilling, why should you be willing to sacrifice your life for her?

You can still ask for a Carer's Assessment. And tell the GP you need an URGENT referral to a Memory Assessment. If she doesn't have memory problems then you're living with a monster.
Regardless or whether or not she has dementia, if she is living in YOUR house, then she should be paying her fair share towards living there. That means
Heat, light, etc. etc. In fact as you would normally be at work during the day, then the heat/light costs would be less, so she should be paying at least half of all the gas and electricity bills, i.e. her share plus yours.
She should be paying for all her food, and her share of the rent/mortgage, council tax etc. If she was on benefits living in a care home, she would have all the benefits taken away from her to go towards the fees, apart from about £25-£30 a week!
Then she should be paying towards the care you provide.
However, as it does seem to be agreed amongst the family that she is very "difficult" and may well now lack the insight to understand what she is costing, brother, as POA, should be paying all these on her behalf. So give up all hope of her ever agreeing to anything, go straight to brother. Also ask for some "back pay" from the time she moved in.
I echo what the others are saying.

So, your Action Plan is this:

(1) tot up everything she's cost you since she lived with you - ie, her share of the food/utility/council tax etc etc etc.
(2) tot up what she's cost you in lost earnings while you run around after her so that you can't work
(3) Present the bill to the bro with PoA, and get him to pay it out of her funds. That will clear her debt to you.
(4) Present him with a 'weekly bill' of whatever she is costing to live in your house as an ongoing cost and get him to pay you

That's the financial side.

Now, I think you and your wife have to sit down and have a Big Chat. Is it possible, at all, to work out a modus vivendi whereby your MIL continues to live with you BUT ONLY on the basis thatL

(a) she pays her own way entirely (see above!) and
(b) you STOP your endless running around after her fancies blah blah blah (as others are saying, she says she doesn't need any outside help - fine - that includes FROM YOU TOO!)
(c) you look forward into the future, both this time next year, and the next five year horizon, and see what you feel about her still being with you AND inevitably both ageing physically and deteriorating mentally.

THAT is the decision you have to make. Now, you might decide, OK, we'll put up with MIL for 2018, on the new footing (ie, she pays her way and you stop running around after her), but we will review the situation in a year, and if we hate it too much still we end it (see below). Or you might decide, no, we can't stand it any more, however much she pays her way and we stop running around after her. In which case, see below:

As I said earlier, in the end, she has NO right to live in your house (UNLESS she's managed to 'acquire a tenancy' by virtue of living there as long as she has! So check this out!)

No one else wants her (not surprisingly!

She has sufficient money

Therefore, she can go into a care home.

End of.

So, Task no. (5) on your Action Plan is:

- start looking around for suitable care homes. Take into account:

(a) The good ones often have waiting lists, so get her signed up.
(b) Visit them without her, and get a 'look and feel' (you'll get a 'look and fee' pretty quickly).
(c) Depending on how much money she has, bear in mind that some care homes only accept self-funders, and some accept LA-funded ones as well. Unless she has vast pots of money she is likely to need LA funding at some point. Do you want to move her again from a self-funding one to a non-self-funding one?
(d) Does the home cope with EMI (Elderly Mentally Infirm - aka dementia)

Please do bear in mind that a good care home will be, effectively, a 'luxury old folks hotel!' - I sometimes liken them to a 'stationary cruise ship'. My MIL's second home was like this - absolutely lovely! Residents were cossetted, entertained daily (that's the cruise ship similarity) with a programme of entertainments, birthdays were celebrated, there were visiting entertainers routinely, exercise programmes, outings and jollies (eg, garden parties in the summer) ....all sorts of 'fun things'. And, of course, the rooms were private, cosy and comfortable, with, in this instance, lovely views down to the coast.

You know, you could find your MIL absolutely loves it, an 'queens' it over the others, and has a ready-made audience of both carers/nurses and the other residents. And she wouldn't be jittery and alone.....(I'm wondering if some of her behaviour is simply 'boredom' and 'lonlieness'???)

The key point to remember, however, above all is that IT DOESN'T MATTER IF SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO INTO A HOME.

She has no home of her own (unless she wants to rent one an pay for a carer, and she'd still be bored and lonely) and she's not entitled to live in yours.

PS Why does she want to go to her son's by the way? What is 'wrong' with your place to her? Not enough attention????
Sorry for being late getting back - it has been an huge roller coaster the last few weeks. We had 3 whole days of clarity which was wierd and lovely at the same time. Like having the Mother we knew back in all her glory. Then it nosedived - I don't know if I am imagining it, but each dip seems to go deeper and last longer, and this one has been quite a dive!

I think she has noticed that she is struggling to function. She knows she has memory issues, but I think the penny has dropped that she is struggling, not that she will talk about it! She is fighting everything as normal and I think much of this is denying what she knows is wrong.

We are going through the stages of memory testing, the doctor has concerns as she has seen him a number of times because she doesn't believe she has seen him ever, or had the results of the tests she had months ago or thinks he is lying about a diagnosis. Whichever is in her head at the time. He clicked and asked us to come back without her and discuss her memory, so we did and he thinks she is most likely Alzheimers, if nort dementia. She has had her Brain scan, which showed it had shrunk, and she again was told to give up smoking and drinking which she won't do in a million years! lol! We are now waiting for the memory team to come around the house and test her.

As regards to going back to the Brothers. They have a view where they live of open fields and we have ....a wall! lol! So she misses the view. She says she misses family and her great grandchildren but she completely ignored them when she was there. She is a master of telling people what they want to hear, so likely what she thinks will work to get her own way. Made a mockery of the age concern man!

What she really is doing, I feel, is running away from her health issues - she has gotten alot worse since being down here, and her old doctor failed to flag failing kidneys though bad record keeping, which they found here. To her she blames this area, rather than the fact the healthcare is better and faster being a city. Appointments are through and done in a week or two normally for Hospital etc.

She had a bad day yesterday when she wanted to look at her new pills she had a few left of one lot, and she keeps ordering more she doesn't need so we keep the new boxes out the way. She will take them all out ' to look at them' and get confused and distressed - which she later denies of course! So we had he 6 yr old tantrum for 8 hours trying to hget through to her that she doesn't need any more, she had spare boxes which she can have when she runs out. In the end she demanded all the boxes - so today she has all her pills and in a moment she will sit, take them all out of their packets and stress about what pill is what, and curse, cry and bang her head with her hands. (We did just give her pills in a pill box which worked well until one day she had a paddy about that, screaming and shouting and threw it away - wanted to do it herself)

Defintely a problem, but she is so reisitant and won't listen to a word anyone says so we can't help her! Quite frustrating.
She is clearly losing it. You need to take control over her benefits and become DWP appointee. Claim Attendance Allowance asap, and then you can claim Carers Allowance. PLEASE email our CUK helpline so they can talk you through all the benefits, as I'm sure you aren't claiming everything.
Your brother, who has Power of Attorney, should be paying you for the care you provide AND "hotel costs" like food etc. If you have given up work, do you realise that the average pay for a carer is £10-£15 an hour. As previously stated, you need to work out a fair rate with him, £500 a week would not be excessive for all the care you are providing, still far less than residential care. Do NOT delay sorting this out, you have earned this money and are entirely entitled to it.