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New member - Carers UK Forum

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Hi I'm Warren and I'm 27, I care for my mother and am feeling very much alone,
My mother ranges from being able to do things and not being able to get out of bed. I have to care for her most of the time I only get the weekends for about 5 hours a day away from her so I work in a shop to try to earn money lol and it serves as a little bit of a rest for me but I am always worried about her she won't let me get other people in to help (she has trust issues)
So I can't do what others of my age are doing eg: going out ect .. and finding it hard to have a social life
I have debated whether my options but can't seem to find one im the only member of the family who cares about her(due to long term family problems)
I really want to live my life and find people to have as friends and who knows I might even find a relationship one can dream lol
Any advice would be appreciated
And hi lol
Hi, I don't really have any advice but wanted to say hello, I only joined today myself an no how it feels to feel alone. X
Kelly _1704 wrote:Hi, I don't really have any advice but wanted to say hello, I only joined today myself an no how it feels to feel alone. X
Thank you Kelly and if you want to talk I'm here
Hi Warren, welcome to the forum. Does mum have any diagnosed illness? Is she claiming any disability benefits? Are you claiming Carers Allowance?
bowlingbun wrote:Hi Warren, welcome to the forum. Does mum have any diagnosed illness? Is she claiming any disability benefits? Are you claiming Carers Allowance?
Hi bowlingbun,
Tnx for the welcome
Yes my mother has a number of conditions most of them I can't pronounce let alone spell lol but I know that they effect her movement and memory
Yes DLA or though she wasn't getting high rate until I persuaded her to go to a tribunal (iv only been her carer for 8yrs) she was getting so called advice from her "friends" which didn't help
I do receive carers allowance bit stupid on the amount I get if she had government provided help how much would they get ? I know it's not all about money but £62.00 a week for 35 hours plus of work is less than what the government has set the minimum wage how is that fair ? And the only other job I have I get £65-70 a week so I am living of just over £120 a week and I have to pay the bedroom tax as we live in a 3 bed and only use two I don't have any other help from anyone my mother doesn't trust SS and no one in my family wants to help
All alone
Hi Warren

I wonder what sort relationship you have with your mum? Its funny thing but am finding the..erm...'uncompromising' :pinch: relationship (battle of wills) I've always had with mine actually helps things. I mean by that is I have just got on with things with social work, as has her social worker etc, and presented it to my mum as a fait accompli.

E.g. my mum didn't want carers but now (sort of!) accepts them, at least MOST of time. Same with telecare.

I recognise, though, that if your mum's trust issues are of deep seated psychological nature, this be more difficult to address.
G Fraser_1612 wrote:Hi Warren

I wonder what sort relationship you have with your mum? Its funny thing but am finding the..erm...'uncompromising' :pinch: relationship (battle of wills) I've always had with mine actually helps things. I mean by that is I have just got on with things with social work, as has her social worker etc, and presented it to my mum as a fait accompli.

E.g. my mum didn't want carers but now (sort of!) accepts them, at least MOST of time. Same with telecare.

I recognise, though, that if your mum's trust issues are of deep seated psychological nature, this be more difficult to address.
Hi G Fraser,
Tnx for your reply
I have a very complex relationship with my mother, (side note I was in care from the age of 8-21) but I still love her
The main two things is
1 son - if she wants something done that I deem not to be in the remit of a carer she will use the "your my son you should do it" argument
2 carer if it's a normal caring issue like cooking cleaning laundry or medical,meetings,calls,emails which I do and more.
When it comes down to battle of wills
I have given up she uses the
"I'm your mother and this is my house" defence
She will never allow me to get another carer in to help as in her mind it would be letting in social services in and as (she was and her mother was and most of my siblings and i was in care) she has a very negative view of them no matter what I say.
She won't get help for what she went through and in my (non medical) point of view she lives in the past too much.
Welcome Warren, Just a thought, I know your mom doesn't want any involvement of social services but you could have 28 days respite and employ your own staff, You just have to go through them to get it. I hate them myself... got reason to..but they normally just arrange 'the direct payment' and disappear off into their own world. Anyway, just a thought coz you need your own space as well. I care for my son who is 31 and has autism, He's on an 117 aftercare. He is brilliant and has a lovely personality.
charm_1965 wrote:Welcome Warren, Just a thought, I know your mom doesn't want any involvement of social services but you could have 28 days respite and employ your own staff, You just have to go through them to get it. I hate them myself... got reason to..but they normally just arrange 'the direct payment' and disappear off into their own world. Anyway, just a thought coz you need your own space as well. I care for my son who is 31 and has autism, He's on an 117 aftercare. He is brilliant and has a lovely personality.
Hi charm_1965
Or though I would like to have respite care she won't allow any stranger's in the house even if we hired them if they get paid from SS she thinks that they report back to them
I have tried to get her to see reason but she doesn't
She thinks that they want to ruin her life
Mindset


She would rather be left on her own than have others in the house it took me a long time to get her to realise that she needed help and support and to let me be it
And even after that she didn't want me to get cares allowance as she thought it would be taken away from her

The only space I have is when I go to work I used to have a flat but was illegally evicted and haven't been able to get help taking the landlord to court
Tried to get help from legal aid and CAB but nope

I'd be worried if I left he any longer
Before I moved back home she was not eating the right foods just what was easy to cook and takes less work/time so normally it was fryed - now I cook things that are a little bit healthier if she wants to cook when I am at work(weekend job) she still reverts to unhealthy choices even if I have provided a meal she won't wait until I get back either I know that I work random hours but it's only 4 a day on the weekend + traveling
Hello Waren, welcome to the forum. You are not alone with this situation, at some point the relations turns bit complex :?