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New member - Page 3 - Carers UK Forum

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jenny
dont be afraid to post .you have already helped me stand back and take stock and try to get more help.(not with much success so far i admit ). i think both carers and carees deserve sympathy.it sounds like your situation is so difficult .real difficulty for me is that although pretty obvious to all around her that mum has dementia no none will actually diagnose her properly so precludes most help
I won't write more, as I always get into trouble here if I stand up too much for carers and not carees!
No-one here has suggested that we sacrifice ourselves for our carees. We are none of us saints, born carers, slaves or superman/woman.
We are here because we want the best for our carees - but what is best for them is not necessarily what they want and big part of doing what is best for them is looking after yourself. This may involve volunteer befrienders, paid carers, respite, day centres or a care home. If you burn out due to stress by trying to do too much (sacrificing yourself) this wont be in anyones best interest.

My concern is over your advice to carers of people with cognitive problems that is, IMO inappropriate.
Cognitive problems (from Alzheimers, vascular/multiple infarction dementia, acquired brain injury, stroke, cerebral bleed as well as other things) are basically conditions where areas of the brain have died and the person with the condition is left trying to make the best of what remains.
How this affects behaviour differs depending on the area in which the brain has died, but it will undoubtedly have an affect - not just on memory. Mostly they are no longer able to do things, but often think that they can. They also often make unwise, irrational or irresponsible decisions. Because the whole of their brain processes have been altered, treating them like people who do not have this condition will not work - not because they are being purposely difficult, but because they cannot do these things things.
Hello Crocus, I wholeheartedly agree with you, My dad has 3 things going on, he has an element of annoxia from when he cardiac arrested 5 years ago, He has the brain damage from his stroke and we think there is an element of vascular dementia going on. It took me a while to realize when he is driving me potty, He can't help it, In his world his thinking is rational to him. I now take a step back count to ten and let him believe what he wants to believe and humour him most of the time. although he can be very wilful sometimes. But now I have a bit better understanding I am a lot more calmer. That is the key statement. "He can't help it!" xx
Update:

Doctor's increased my diazepam dosage from 2mg to 5mg, 3 times per day.
Social worker's coming to visit us next Tuesday, 11am.

Hope it goes well. Hugs to you all. xx
Well done Annie, sounds like you are moving in the right direction getting things sorted. Image xx My Gp's refuse point blank to put me on anti depressants and won't give me anxiety pills....they will give them my dad though!...I reached my breaking point last year. I am a lot better with things now. ( I take St Johns Wort) My doc is happy with that! xx
crocus
learning more about dementia is helping. thought it was just her memory but as you say and i now understand all sorts of thinking processes have gone west.didnt really understand and now this advise of going with the flow and not expecting any logic is beginnining to pay off.thought just agreeing with her was being patronising(she always liked a good argument)but now realise that it makes it easier for both of us.heavens this is some learning curve.thanks for all the insight.
crocus:
Cognitive problems (from Alzheimers, vascular/multiple infarction dementia, acquired brain injury, stroke, cerebral bleed as well as other things) are basically conditions where areas of the brain have died and the person with the condition is left trying to make the best of what remains.
How this affects behaviour differs depending on the area in which the brain has died... They also often make unwise, irrational or irresponsible decisions. Because the whole of their brain processes have been altered, treating them like people who do not have this condition will not work - not because they are being purposely difficult, but because they cannot do these things things.
Crocus, that all makes a lot of sense to me. You seem to be saying that carers should try to blame the disease when their carees exhibit difficult behaviour, rather than blaming the caree. However, there are some people who have actually been "purposely difficult" throughout their lives, then become more so, due to the effects of old age/dementia. In my experience there are rarely ever only 2 sides to a coin... more like 5 or 6, if you see what I mean. Image I think it can help for carers to bear this in mind, because it's easy in those circumstances to fall into the trap of thinking that you're not being kind/patient/imaginative in your care of somebody, and blame yourself for the fact that your caree is so hard to please/unco-operative, when they may have simply been that way for much of their lives.

Difficult/selfish person + dementia/age related problems = double whammy for carer.
well yes.i had to leave home at16 just to be able to do schoolwork in peace as mum made life pretty unbearable.looking back i think she probably had unrecognised mental health problems even then and so ageing has just made it worse.dementia has added a different dimension though and i realise she cant help it now. so although resentment is still there. I"m beginning to look at as water under the bridge which cant be changed.wish I"d had a loving mum and think I"ve still been hoping that would happen .of course now it wont and thats what made me sad. understanding this dementia lark is helping a lot though
Sorry for the long absence. And thank you to all who replied.

Mum's now going into daycare one day per week (for about 7 hours) but I'm still struggling.

I am very scared, I don't know how much longer I can continue to do this. This is killing me. Image
Hi Annie. I'm so sorry that it's so tough for you. I just thought I'd post as I'm online and maybe you need to talk?