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Life is passing us by - Carers UK Forum

Life is passing us by

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hi folks,
Yes I'm new to this as well.
Compared with some of you I'm in an easy position.... but it doesn't feel that way to me.

I'm 51, my wife, Dawn, is 47. For 8 years she has been suffering from an undiagnosed debilitating pain,tingling, numbness in her lower back, groin and thigh.

We've spent thousands of pounds trying to find a solution but NHS and private consultations have drawn a blank.

Dawn has had to give up work after 12 months on sick and spends most of the day semi-lying on the settee or in bed trying to achieve a comfortable position.

I work full time and after a day at work, return home and the first thing I check is are the bedroom curtains closed or open. Closed mean Dawns had a really bad day and is in bed - open means it's been a bit better and she's on the settee.

This is when my routine of preparing meals, washing, ironing, cleaning, dog walking etc etc begins.

Dawn is mobile but gets so tired when she does things she is usually too exhausted to do anything. Thankfully she is able to care for her own hygeine, dressing etc.

Because of this I'm worn out, suffering from depression, seeing a counsellor re suspected chronic fatigue. Our former social life has stopped. Apart from work I see one friend for 3 hours on a Friday night. At the weekend I try to get some "me time" but feel guilty and often just go from one job to another around the house until it's bed time on Sunday and the whole routine starts again.

We have tried to get help with benefits but declined as Dawn is not considered sufficiently disabled, as a result our finances are now very stretched so we couldn't afford to go out if we were able to.

This morning I just couldn't bring myself to go through the dragging myself out of bed routine and push myself to work..... I've failed at last!

I feel selfish.... I want our life back. I want us to be a couple. I miss my marriage. I miss my old wife.

Yesterday my dad asked "how are you coping?" That's the first time anyones asked how I am.
They, naturally, always ask about Dawn. BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?

I'm struggling and can't see anything I can do to change it.

Sorry for the long selfish grumble but typing has helped a bit.
Hi Mark and welcome to the forum. I can't work full time any more and im only 24, but i am looking for part time work as i got sacked from my last job. but i do understand where your coming from, i care for my dad and do exactly the same stuff you do and i also dont dress my dad or toilet him. you could ring the carers uk advice line or send them an email about your circumstances, your wife should be entitled to something.
hope this helps
Hi Mark,
Welcome to the forum. You have a lot on your plate. Its understandable you want your life back,
so to speak. very tough role you now have. It sounds like you have done well
by your wife , the mask that's put on kind of goes with the territory . "Oh I'm Fine",
I cared for my mum a long time, you are only human and keep saying to yourself.
YOU ARE DOING YOUR BEST. hope this site helps you, even with the isolation.
Take care
Minnie Image
Hi Mark and welcome.
Hi Mark and welcome to the forum. Have you had a carers assessment to assess your needs? Know all about putting on the happy carer smile face.

Hi and welcome.Hope you find the Forum some help,you clearly have a lot on your plate. Image
Hello Mark and welcome. I was very interested to read your post. So many of us will relate to what you have said, especially about how you feel. I used to think I knew what was involved in caring for someone. But what I was totally unprepared for was the 'loss' of my old life. Almost the loss of my identity. Sometimes it feels like I am driving in neutral and wondering why I dont seem to be going anywhere. I guess it is a bereavement process, Mark. You give up so much when you care for someone. And of course the relationship is never the same. Acknowledging this, and expressing the emotions is important in moving forward in our lives.

Anyway, its very good to have you with us. You will have already seen we are a supportive and understanding bunch of people, all trying to do our best for those we love. All trying to do the right thing. All trying to keep things going, best we can. Welcome.

Thanks for your words of support.

Last night I had a dream life was like it used to be. Active, walking together in the hills, camping and laughing together.

Then my alarm went off and the reality sank me lower than usual.

Still tomorrows another day.

Thanks everyone.
Yes, tomorrow is indeed another day. But I can hear the sadness and regret for what you have lost. It would be strange if it were otherwise. I hope you can feel a little stronger in the days to come. It must be so hard for you to accept your current circumstances.

Take care,

Hi Mark and welcome to the forum. Have you had a carers assessment to assess your needs? Know all about putting on the happy carer smile face.

I am wondering about what is involved in a carers assessment. How do you go about it? Thanks in advance for any information.

Mark, keep your chin up mate. I do it by getting through each day, one day at a time.

Kind regards.

Michael Image