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New here - caring for 20 yr old daughter with depression - Carers UK Forum

New here - caring for 20 yr old daughter with depression

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hi, I'm totally new to this...

Joined the forum to try and find other people going through something similar, to share experiences and thoughts. Feeling like no one understands what my family's life looks like atm, especially as on the surface it probably looks fairly normal. But, as I'm sure many will recognise, every plan I make seems to get undone, my other children feel frustrated that their sister gets so much of my time, and there's not really anyone to talk to about it.

I'd love to hear from others facing similar challenges (not nec with depression, more the juggling act of caring with other commitments).

Thanks :-)
Allie, just a quick 'hi'. Having any child with health issues of any kind is dreadful, and depression is such an intractable and tricky thing to cope with. Do you feel there is anything 'in particular' that set off her depression, has it set in rapidly, or over years, and is she on any medication, does she recognise her situation etc?

I know there are other parents here with children with health issues, so you will not be 'alone' here at all. I hope it provides both support and help for you.

Kind regards, Jenny
Welcome to the forum. I can so identify with your comment about the other children. I have a son with learning difficulties, now 35. I seemed to be forever juggling the needs of everyone else, that the one person whose needs never came to the front were my own. Sadly, I developed a very serious health condition and ultimately my son went into residential care, boarding school, at 16. My other son loved having my husband and I to himself at last. Does your daughter have any regular support so the rest of you can go out? I hope you have been told that you are entitled to a Carers Assessment from Social Services?
Hello and welcome,

I find myself quite drawn to your post, not just because of the caring commitments that we have but I suppose I was the 'frustrated sibling' growing up (my sister has cerebral palsy)
How old are your other children?
Hi Allie,

Welcome.

I only juggle S's care with work and my own needs and that is hard enough! Are your other children still living at home too?

Melly1
Hi,
Just wanted to say thank you all so much for your responses. For the first time I feel like there are people 'out there' who I can share some of what's going on with and I feel less alone. It's such a relief.

I'll answer a few questions you asked: first, it's complicated (isn't it always?). Her depression has been 'brewing' for at least five years and is around her relationship with her biological parents (we adopted her aged 15). She's finally on medication after a break down and it's just beginning to work. She recognises that things need to change but...

We don't have any support for her except a lovely doctor friend as, although we're from the UK, we currently live overseas. This means no support at all, and also having to pay for any medication she needs.

Our other children are 20 (lives in the UK but here for Christmas - yay!), 13, 7 and 6. It's a full house but they're all really close. Juggling everyone's needs is so hard but at least over Christmas my husband has some time off so there are two of us between five! (and yes, my needs mostly seem to come last, which is having an impact on my own health).

I'd love to know how you have all coped with the juggling (whatever you're juggling), and also how you manage not to let caring get you down so much that you dread waking up and starting the new day. As I write only my youngest two are up - relative peace before the inevitable battles later - bliss!
I know all about juggling, five carees, a business, a national club. BUT you can only juggle so much for so long then it all comes crashing down around you. In my case, I nearly died. My husband died of a heart attack at 58, I found him dead in bed, terrible. So cut down the amount that you are trying to do. Look at every single thing you do and ask yourself if YOU really need to do it. Ironing? Change what you wear so it doesn't need ironing, use a tumble dryer. Gardening? Do away with all borders. Whilst your kids are all home on holiday, they could each have a job. Putting out the rubbish, peeling the veg., doing their own rooms. It's so easy to try to prove that you can do everything, but the children need a healthy happy mum and dad too. Better to do less and enjoy them more.
I cut back a lot and have learned over the years and that as much as I want to be, i am not super woman.
I have a tumble dyer, this means that I can get away with virtually no ironing so long I take the clothes out as soon as the buzzer goes and the clothes don't stay in there to long. why spend it on 2 hours ironing in the evening when you can reduce it by half and use the rest for some me time ;)
I used to have border and a lawn in the front garden which I have now pebbled with evergreen flowering shrubs- basically maintanance free.
The back garden - only a 1/3 is covered in grass the rest is patio and no boarders but have a few raised beds with flowers to make it look pretty and give it some colour.
In the house its basically a minimalistic look- although I haven't got that much room anyway. But all the shelves with the ornaments that I collected are now gone so less time spend on dusting the things. ;)
Yes my house may not look as pretty as some peoples but I have worked round it to make it easier to clean ie laminate flooring, scrubbable paint rather than wall paper etc. My children do have their chores even k has his. It wasn't until a school review that I learned that he actually loved washing up ( it's not always a 100% and I have to do it again but at least he is learning ). I now spend less time on house work , gardening etc which helps with the stress of juggeling everything. :D