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New here. Carer for elderly parent - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

New here. Carer for elderly parent

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Have you considered online shopping? When I was unable to drive, I used Tesco online. It was great, espe ially for heavy stuff. Virtually every parent here has put up objections to having a "stranger" to help them, mine included. It's a really difficult issue. Streamlining the house helps reduce the workload; a washer dryer - dirty clothes in, clesn dry clothes out. One of my relatives was stubborn as a mule, refused even to use draught excluder on the front door, because the landlord might benefit after he'd died! Once his wife died, no meaningful housework was done. That was how he wanted to live. Although I was ashamed of it, it was HIS choice. It's really important that you get your life back, to some extent, however much dad wants things, you have an equal right to do what you want. Is he worried about money? It might be worth having a benefits check. Does he reslise that if he can't manage in his new home, and refuses outside carers, then a residential home is the only option left. You cannot put your life permanently on hold until he dies. I know someone who did this. His mum died at the age of 104! Take care of yourself too.
Hi Annica,

You will see that your first post has struck a chord with many, including me.

Yes, no-one ever tells you about the guilt - guilt that you are not doing enough for the parent, guilt that you are not doing enough at work and even guilt that you are not spending enough time with friends.

Can you work from home in your job? That has been really helpful for me.

I too work full-time (when I can :roll: ), and then move in with mum at weekends. She has dementia and various physical ailments. Other people relax at weekends, my weekends are more tiring than being at work.

Anyway, this is your thread so enough about me. Have a look round the Forum and join in where you can. You will find us most days in Roll Call in the Members Section.

Hope your dad settles well, Anne x
Hi Anica
Welcome to the forum. Caring is a learning curve and this forum will be enormous help. I think I am still learning but like you a stubborn father has never made it an easy process. You need to get your head around the fact that you Dad looked after you and told you what to do when you were little. Now you need to decide what is rationally best for your Dad, be happy with your decision and put it to him as though he thought it was his idea in the first place- that is the trick and a skill I am still brushing up on LOL. Don't feal guilty and don't expect your colleagues to understand the pressures. They are wrapped up in their own petty little worlds and power struggles , mostly without any real life experience.
Personally I went on juggling work and caring for far too long because I couldn't persuade Dad there was a better way forward. Like your Dad - he was fine, didn't need any help off anyone because he has his daughter to do it! Don't let anyone snap that final straw- take control and life will get easier. Good luck
Hi Emma,

You've done right by your father and by yourself. It's tough to let go because we take it as or responsibility to look after our parents (which is why I insisted my mother moved in with my wife and I after her incident). But you're doing a great job, it's impossible for anyone to juggle looking after their parent and hold a full time job without eventually buckling under the mental pressures.

Change is hard for anyone, I hope that by now he's settled and you're also starting to feel better about it.

I was wondering how long your dad was with you before you were struggling too much to support both him and a job?
I'm slightly unnerved to read 'that's why I insisted my mother move in with my wife and I'......do hope that was a joint decision with your wife! I say that because I am (effectively) 'sole carer' for my own MIL (my husband is dead and her other son is in the USA) and it is NOT the same at all as caring for one's own parents! There are no 'heartstrings' to make it easier for me. (On the other hand, there's less guilt, too, for the same reason!)

Apols if my concern is at the wrong end of the stick!
Hello Emma
I've been caring for my elderly Mum (she was 90 on Saturday) for around five years. She suffers from chronic pain due to Osteoarthritis, and moderate dementia. I love her to bits, but there are times when I wonder why I continue to do this caring role. About three years ago I swallowed my pride and contacted social services for a needs assessment for mum and a carers assessment for me. I now have a care worker come in one day a week to give me a break (all she really has to do is sit and chat to mum, gives her her medication and makes lunch (and numerous cups of tea). At first I used to feel guilty about leaving her, but she enjoys the company and a different face once a week. I'm aware that I may not be able to look after her indefinitely, as I have to consider my mental and physical wellbeing too.
My mum always said she didn't ever want to move in with me. Her own grandmother developed dementia many, many years ago, and the family struggled for many years before finally she went into a secure unit. With that in mind, I did my very best for mum to get all the support she was eligible for at home. When that no longer worked, residential care was the only option left.