Hi, I have had a particularly stressful 3 months with my Mum in and out of hospital followed by a period of rehabilitation in a home. Each admission was in part due to her failure to look after herself - to eat, to drink, to look after her mental health etc. She has just returned home withadditional temporary assistance from Home Support. Although Mum admitted that she had not been eating or drinking and realised that her actions were directly responsible for her ill health and despite her promises that she would try harder I find we are now back at square one less than 48 hours after her discharge. I have to confess to ranting at her because I cannot do this again. I am her sole carer and also work full time. My health is suffering, my relationship with my husband is suffering and I have already lost one job because of being incapable of doing the work due to the stress. From reading the forums here I realise that I need to step back and allow her to live her life the way she chooses - if she chooses to live it in an isolated, dehydrated, malnourished state then that is her choice. However, it is not easy to just leave her to it. My Dad died 3.5 years ago and I have tried - and failed - to fill that gap in her life. She has found it impossible to move forward and spends her days just sitting crying about her loss. I feel that I have let her down when she needs me most but I am truly at the end of my tether.
Do you think dementia may be creeping in I wonder?? 'Self-neglect' is one of the 'symptoms' - my MIL gradually became more and more 'helpless' but also profoundly 'uninterested' in looking after herself. I could leave food in the fridge that was really, really easy - eg, quiches that popped in the microwave etc, that sort of thing, but would she make herself supper? No. Eventually she wouldn't even make herself toast for breakfast, or a cup of tea.
It was her mind giving up - she was forgetting how to do things, and forgetting that she actually was hungry.
I do think, sadly, it might be worth checking this out. Grief can be highly, highly debilitating, and perhaps yes, she 'just wants to die now' (subconsciously at least) (eg, to 'follow her husband), but I also think that dementia could be behind this self-neglect alas.
Does she have care-workers go in a couple of times a day? If not, can that be arranged? They can prepare food and stay while she eats it.
That said, she may refuse. The second time the care-worker I booked for my MIL turned up, my MIL refused to let her in and sent her packing.
The depressing thing was that because she wouldn't accept careworkers coming in to look after her she just had to move in to a care home, which she hated (she didn't realise or accept she needed to be there)(and sadly, just wanted to move in with me permanently, sigh).
It can help, with or without dementia in the frame, to think of the very elderly as 'elderly toddlers' - they lose the ability to know what they need.
Do you feel she simply wants YOU to come and look after her???? That is sadly, VERY common (understandably so.)