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Newbie here - Carers UK Forum

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Hi all, new girly here....
43 years old from Kent, caring for my husband. He has a degenerative spine condition,and has a degenerated lumbar section ( all discs).He has gone from being my toyboy(10 yrs difference), a police officer, to just sitting and crying and pain all the time.I have 4 kids, 2 little ones still at home.This has been so hard for them,and I feel like I have an extra kid.Is it normal to be angry with him for changing everything?,even when I know its not him :*(
Hi Michelle, Welcome. Yep, that's quite normal, so is the resentment, then the guilt and a bucketful of other emotions which come with the package labelled 'Carer'. I would suggest that it's not your poor husband you are angry with but 'life' or 'fate' which has turned and bitten you just when everything was looking great. Unfortunately as 'Fate' doesn't turn up in person for you to give a good talking to, your husband is the focus of all that's gone wrong. Have you got everything in place, such as a care package from Social Services eg Continuing Health Care if he is eligible. Is there anything to help from the Police? Has the GP/hospital got his pain and distress under control? Very important, do you have regular 'me time', where you have a break from looking after everyone and do something for yourself? It could be something quite simple, like lunch with a friend or going to a local group or society. Perhaps time out with the kids? It is important, as everyone here will tell you, to look after yourself too. More easily said than done very often, but do try. My own caring commitment is not the same as yours but I'm sure there will be many people here who are going through, or have gone through something similar and can give practical advice if you need it. Elaine.
No, don't be angry at him, be angry with him about the disease he has developed. Fight it together. My mum had osteoporosis and a rare spine condition called hyperostosis. Really tough to deal with. Work out, together, what you are BOTH finding most difficult. Maybe write a list and pick the top three things. Maybe better housing would help, a shower rather than a bath, getting the kids to school, maybe a comfortable bed? Don't make the mistake of being one person trying to do the work of two, that's a recipe for disaster. Accept that some things are going to have to be changed - especially where gardening is concerned. Get a dishwasher, washer/dryer, employ a gardener, whatever it takes. If you need to share whatever it is, we are here to help with ideas.
Hello Michelle

Welcome to the site and am so pleased that you have found us as you clearly need an outlet and time out. I do hope we can help. Are you in contact with former friends and colleagues who could come and be with, or take your husband out? How about your family, will they offer respite for you by taking care of the children for a few hours a week and how about your children's school friends. Maybe if they know about your horrible predicament one or two may offer a sleep in once a week or fortnight maybe?
We are always here

Best wishes

Ruth