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New and need serious help sorry it's so long - Carers UK Forum

New and need serious help sorry it's so long

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Hi guys I need help.

I've been caring for my aunty for a while the only thing wrong with her is she has one leg, she's 86. I had to go up there everyday, for 4 or 5 hours she kept making thing up for me to stay although she had private carers one she kept making cry but she use to blame the pain in her hip for her nastiness.

She claims her one son mentaly abused her and the other son died, her health got worse so her doctor told her she needs to live with me.

After becoming really I'll she ended up in hospital. Between me and my sister in law she had 2 visitors a day for longer than we were suppose to. She constantly complained about the nurses.

I was going on a cruise booked a year in advance, she came out of hospital. She had carers in place, my daughter was there to take care of the dog's and my mother in law who was a carer was going to check on them.

She gave my daughter a dog's life. Shouting at her, insulting her phoning her friends to go to my house to have a go at her. Aunty wouldnt let the carers do anything my mother in law, who came round after work had to do it all. She majorly played up in the end phoning ambulance (2nd time) saying she was having chest pains they told her that if you were having chest pains you wouldn't be able to speak the way you are. I think they were sick of her constantly phoning and just took her to hospital.

I came back to find my daughter had written a book of everything that happened in the 2 weeks...

It was ok for a while until then she started on me saying she didn't deserve to be in a bed sit. She was screaming at my dog's. Throwing her food on the floor or lately she put her cooked dinner in a wicker bin then put the tray on top!

She agreed to have an extension built. Then we were financially abusing her we had the police around! Kept changing her mind. Stopped paying at one point the builder threatened to take her to court. She tried to make us pay we couldn't afford it. Tells us to sell something... eventually starts paying but then we have the police around saying were financially abusing her. She'd now not paying the VAT so the builders taking her to court.

She phoned SS thinking they were the OT saying she never had any food and we were financial abusing her. They came and said the carers would of reported you if you didn't have food and SS heard her shout at the carers when she phoned them. I left the room because she was acting nice so SS could see what she was like. SS was in there 3 hours and had to tell aunty not to speak to her like that. Aunty didn't get her own way so she threw a tantrum.

Me and my daughter went to get her some milk we were only gone about 2 mins. My friend came in making my dog bark. When I came back she said the dog's been barking for hours. I said no we haven't been gone that long and it was because someone came in. She said that dog should be beaten with a stick. Of course now my daughter really wants her out.

Keeps telling everyone she has no money and she had more money going out than coming in. She only pays for her food and her phone which she moans about the bills but she's on it from when she on it all day considering they don't work... No bills she refusing to help... I can't afford to keep her.

We had the heating on low she kept telling the carers to turn it up then open window and sit there in a petty coat... we ended up £500 gas bill and a £700 electric bill for 5 months.

She had 2 electric fires on which she doesn't turn off it's boiling. The one has melted. She had the main light, a lamp, the tv, the phone, her life line, one of her 3 scooter (which she uses to crash around my house) kettle.

She had £300 cold care for the heating and we asked about it and she said she wouldnt give us any more money. She hasnt gave us any!

One of her friends keeps interfering taking her to see solicitors and whenever she comes she has an argument with me or my boyfriend.

My daughter is having a major op on her face soon.

The carers are incredibly messy they keep leaving the front door open. And we keep having New ones because aunty makes them cry.

I'm sat in a caravan with my daughter and her dog's to get away. My boyfriend just phoned me to let me no she used £12 electricity yesterday.

Please someone help. I can't take her lying. SS won't help I've phoned them. Their is more but I think this is long enough.
Hi Gemma, welcome to the forum. I was just about to close my laptop when I saw your message, so here are some quick questions to be getting on with, which will help clarify the situation.

Is auntie living in a self contained annexe at your house, or do carers have to use your front door to get to her room?
Did you draw up any legal arrangements about what should happen if it didn't work out, or she needs residential care?
Why are you, not anyone else, caring for her?

Give up trying to please her, you never will. If she raises her voice, then walk away. Don't say anything, just go.

Has she always been nasty, or do you think she is developing dementia?
She needs to go into residential care in a care home. Nothing else will work for her. She does sound like she is not really 'sane' so it's probably dementia as well as anything else she's always been!

The important thing is where she is living. Is it YOUR property, or HERS? Where do YOU live?

You have NO legal obligation to look after her in ANY way. NO ONE - not the GP, not SS and certainly not your aunt! - can make you even SEE her again, let alone do anything for her!

If she is living in YOUR property, then as BB says, it's a question of whether you can evict her or not. Whether or not you can, you don't have to see her, or visit her, or do ANYTHING for her.

Tell her GP, and SS, in writing 'This is to let you know that neither I, nor anyone in my family, are going to be available any longer to take part in any part of my aunt's care. We are withdrawing ALL care from her, and she must now rely only on what is provided by SS, or her own resources. Please do NOT contact us any more for any reason in connection with my aunt'. Then sign it and hand it in.

It's going to be 'messy' if she does live next to you in some way, and you have no legal power to evict her (as in, she has created some kind of tenancy simply because you haven't objected to her moving in)(You may need to consult a solicitor to find out what your rights are now.) But even if it's messy, keep on with the one thing you know to be true - that you no longer have to have ANYTHIGN to do with her.

If things work out well, and she goes into a care home, then you can, if you wish, visit her. I'm afraid she will continue to lie and so on, because, from what you say, she is not 'sane', and whtehr this is because of her dementia, or because she is mentally ill or unstable in some way (which rather sounds it I'm afraid!), doesn't really matter.

Wishing you a speedy escape from an impossible situation. Remember the key point - you DO NOT HAVE TO CARE FOR HER AT ALL IN ANY WAY!!!!

Be strong, be clear - and get free!
could it be Alzeimers?

As experience in my family indicates that there can be very aggressive and beligerant behaviour with Alziemers.
Colin, I agree - this is not 'sane' behaviour by any stretch of the imagination!

It would really help Gemma if her appalling aunt could be declared 'of unsound mind' and therefore lacking legal capacity to make any decisions about her own care. That way she could be taken into a care home which is where she obviously needs to be now - she's far, far too far gone to be able to live 'in the outside world'.
There is a difference between dementia and Alziemers ( I can never get the spelling right )

It broke my uncles heart when his wife had Alziemers, She was very abusive to him and even though he wanted to, he just could not manage with her at home.
Colin, there are different forms of dementia. Alzheimer's, vascular dementia, Lewy bodies, picks, and a few others. Some people have mixed dementia. However, the all come under the heading of dementia. All absolutely heartbreaking for every one concerned.