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Needing support/chat caring for husband - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Needing support/chat caring for husband

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
really sympathize with your situation, I suppose you need some rest
I did everything possible to support the ten people in the family who needed me. When I was very, very I'll none of them lifted a finger to help me. No get well cards, no flowers, nothing! I wrote to mum's GP, same practice as me, said I could no longer support mum, but her GP just ignored that!! One of the doctors even bully me to look after mum over Christmas! If you don't stick up for yourself, no one else will.
Has anyone noticed that this thread has had a massive 17,000 views?
HI BB. I hadn't noticed, but then I was following up on your report!

Dodgy post removed.
I haven't visited the forum for months, but here I am, and the first thing I see is a message which I can really empathise with. I'm unofficially carer to my husband who's 20 years older than me. Most things he can do for himself, but not everything. Arthritis makes some things hard for him. But I reach up to get things off high shelves for him and am accused of being offensive. Go to pick something up off the floor and get my head taken off. I was in hospital for a procedure yesterday, but today I got back to all the usual things - cooking breakfast and dinner, washing his hair, doing housework, spending a couple of hours doing something on the computer for him - and two HOURS of gardening this afternoon, which completely wiped me out. He can't handle heavy machinery - it's out of the question.
'Where are you? What are you doing?'
'Cutting the grass and the hedge'.
'What's all this clutter on the floor?
'You know I have to take everything out of the cupboard to get at the lawnmower ...' (It's been at the back of the cupboard for 27.5 years - he knows that!)
Then I'm accused of being abusive. Really? I can't answer a question without this nonsense.
He doesn't have dementia. Could be on the autistic spectrum but not dementia.
I feel I'm going to go insane myself soon - I try so hard to be helpful, and predict what he needs, and I don't set out to be abusive, really I don't. I struggle to be endlessly patient, but I think I manage most of the time. If I'm annoyed, I take refuge in another room.
How do you handle being wrongly accused of abusing an old person? I'm so upset now, I'm almost tempted to report myself, but for what?!
HelpBehindTheScenes wrote:
Sat Sep 17, 2022 8:24 pm
I haven't visited the forum for months, but here I am, and the first thing I see is a message which I can really empathise with. I'm unofficially carer to my husband who's 20 years older than me. Most things he can do for himself, but not everything. Arthritis makes some things hard for him. But I reach up to get things off high shelves for him and am accused of being offensive. Go to pick something up off the floor and get my head taken off. I was in hospital for a procedure yesterday, but today I got back to all the usual things - cooking breakfast and dinner, washing his hair, doing housework, spending a couple of hours doing something on the computer for him - and two HOURS of gardening this afternoon, which completely wiped me out. He can't handle heavy machinery - it's out of the question.
'Where are you? What are you doing?'
'Cutting the grass and the hedge'.
'What's all this clutter on the floor?
'You know I have to take everything out of the cupboard to get at the lawnmower ...' (It's been at the back of the cupboard for 27.5 years - he knows that!)
Then I'm accused of being abusive. Really? I can't answer a question without this nonsense.
He doesn't have dementia. Could be on the autistic spectrum but not dementia.
I feel I'm going to go insane myself soon - I try so hard to be helpful, and predict what he needs, and I don't set out to be abusive, really I don't. I struggle to be endlessly patient, but I think I manage most of the time. If I'm annoyed, I take refuge in another room.
How do you handle being wrongly accused of abusing an old person? I'm so upset now, I'm almost tempted to report myself, but for what?!
There could be many reasons he is being this way, frustration, depression, anger, resentment, fear of the age difference and you leaving, wanting to prove he can still do things, or he's feeling vulnerable and frail and is trying to protect himself by saying such things or is over sensitive - I really couldn't say but ageing affects some more than others and can manifest in many ways.
Is he picking up on your vibes and then you leaving the room?

Do you reassure him that you are trying to help? do you ask if he can manage to get that or can you reach it for him?
Are you ok with that? How are you doing there? Can you manage with that? Can I help you? Give me a shout if you need me to help.
That's how I operate with my mum at times.

They can be determined to do things and don't like being told they can't - they have to find out they can't do it and concede. Their mind wants to but forgets that their body can't.

You could contact the helpline for leads to ask for advice about this.
Carers UK information and support
Our telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email (advice@carersuk.org)

Short term memory can reduce with age, saw it in my dad and now in my mum, they were 19 years age gap.
Short term memory can be affected by change in circumstances, shock etc eg you going for a procedure could have unbalanced something.

It's all just things that I have picked up with my parents, elderly relatives and friends parents.
Tell us if he has had a needs assessment done or not.
No. He doesn't accept that I *am* a carer. I'm just a wife - he's in total denial. But the GP says I am, so that's how I see it!

There could be many reasons he is being this way, frustration, depression, anger, resentment, fear of the age difference and you leaving, wanting to prove he can still do things, or he's feeling vulnerable and frail and is trying to protect himself by saying such things or is over sensitive - I really couldn't say but ageing affects some more than others and can manifest in many ways.
Is he picking up on your vibes and then you leaving the room?

Do you reassure him that you are trying to help? do you ask if he can manage to get that or can you reach it for him?
Are you ok with that? How are you doing there? Can you manage with that? Can I help you? Give me a shout if you need me to help.
That's how I operate with my mum at times.

They can be determined to do things and don't like being told they can't - they have to find out they can't do it and concede. Their mind wants to but forgets that their body can't.

You could contact the helpline for leads to ask for advice about this.
Carers UK information and support
Our telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email (advice@carersuk.org)

Short term memory can reduce with age, saw it in my dad and now in my mum, they were 19 years age gap.
Short term memory can be affected by change in circumstances, shock etc eg you going for a procedure could have unbalanced something.

It's all just things that I have picked up with my parents, elderly relatives and friends parents.
Lots of sensible suggestions there, thank you Breezey. I'm afraid to say, saying 'I'm trying to be helpful' is a red rag to a bull. It infuriates him. 'Can you manage that?' is like asking to have my head taken off. I've always said that old people get more like themselves as they get older, but getting more critical and more difficult is very hard to handle for the relative on the receiving end! I've tried 'Please don't be unkind, I'm only trying to help' - but that just gets accusations of ME becoming more objectionable and abusive and difficult with age!
You have my sympathy my husband is 23 years older and I can relate so much to your post. Sadly any love has died as the abuse will break the strongest. He too does not accept I am his 'Carer' yet puts me on to deal with GP calls as he is very deaf. I get the 'total denial'. Do you think they are so used to being the boss that they are terrified to lose even a tiny bit of control.

I do not know your finances but have you thought about leaving? Only you can make that decision and counselling to look at options would be one suggestion.
HelpBehindTheScenes wrote:
Sun Sep 18, 2022 11:02 am
Lots of sensible suggestions there, thank you Breezey. I'm afraid to say, saying 'I'm trying to be helpful' is a red rag to a bull. It infuriates him. 'Can you manage that?' is like asking to have my head taken off. I've always said that old people get more like themselves as they get older, but getting more critical and more difficult is very hard to handle for the relative on the receiving end! I've tried 'Please don't be unkind, I'm only trying to help' - but that just gets accusations of ME becoming more objectionable and abusive and difficult with age!
I don't have any answers or expertise but it seems to me that he is deflecting his fears onto you, the last part of your reply seems very telling - but that just gets accusations of ME becoming more objectionable and abusive and difficult with age!

Please do contact the helpline and have a look around in Age UK