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need urgent advice please - Carers UK Forum

need urgent advice please

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i am writing this because i need some urgent advice my grandma who i have cared for, for the last few years i am down as her carer on everything and my mum is down as her next of kin she lives with us, but she went up to her other daughters for xmas and new year and now they are saying they have had a talk and my granma wants to stay with them from now on and they will visit but the thing is with my grandmas dementia and alzhimers she agreees to every thing any one says have they got the right to just keep her with them and not bring her back home to us

please help !!!
im not her power of attorney i dont think im only 23 i started caring for my grandma when she started having problems with her memory and i just dont know what to do my gran is my life at first she didnt even want to go up to her daughters because of the cold weather and that but we encouraged her to go and see them and now she is not coming back
thank you for ur advice it really helps x x
Your gran would count as a vulnerable adult, and therefore Social Services can get involved under certain circumstances. There are all sorts of options, to protect gran, look at the Court of Protection website to give you some information. Also look up Mental Capacity Assessment. It's best to take the Softly Softly approach rather than All Guns Blazing approach if possible, gather together as much information as possible, and try and avoid a family rift at all costs. We all need family from time to time. Have a look at the Help the Aged Website, and also get in touch with the Alzheimers Society and then make a little list, for your eyes only, of what you main concerns are. Why do you think they suddenly want Gran? Are they after her money? Then you need to think about your own future life. You are very young, and as Gran gets older and possibly needing much more attention, how will you feel about that? Do you want a partner, children etc.? I know some families where they share their elderly relative, six months with one, six months with another. Getting the next step right for gran, and everyone else, is far more important than anything else.
i live with my mum and brother too so it wouldnt get to much for me my nan has done so much for us in her life and i am willing to look after her she is 84 now and in all my 23 years of life the longest i have been away from her is 2 weeks at a time yesterday they said they would be letting us know today what day she would be back and now all of a sudden she is not coming back i will look up on the sites u have said to have a look at to see if that states any thing
Hi and welcome Image
Hi Letitica,
What a worrying situation this must be for you. All I can suggest is something that helped me recently and I'd not heard about this before but I contacted an advocate. I think if you googled for them in your area you should find how to contact someone nearby.
They act on behalf of those who have some form of mental problems and they are free. Even if you didn't instruct them on your Gran's behalf you could ring them for a chat about this situation. They were so good with problems I was having. They came out because I'd phoned and asked but they made it clear that they would be thinking of mum's welfare and best interests.
They would make phone calls on your behalf if it was something they knew your Gran wanted. It just might be a way of avoiding anything unpleasant with falling out with family members if someone independent could find out what was going on at the root of this situation.

Sussexrox, I don't think anyone has been accused, but it's surely desperately important to consider every aspect of this decision carefully? I've been caring for someone able to make some, but not all decisions, for himself for over 30 years, and getting the balance right is a never ending problem. Protecting assets of the vulnerable must be a top priority, because once they're gone, they're gone forever. Some decisions can be reversed quite easily, we can change our minds regularly and it really doesn't matter. For vulnerable adults they may not be able to fully grasp the implications of their decisions. Gran might just fancy a change of scenery for a while. If she moves away from home for less than a month then that's not a problem, but if it's for longer it is going to have a huge knock on effect for benefits, care packages etc. She may be blissfully unaware of this. The other family may also be unaware that a move of house might mean a benefits review. It's surely much better to make informed plans in advance rather than have masses of problems later?
Hi Letitica and welcome.

This is such a distressing time for you and yes, you need to consider all options and try to think clearly about this development, which seems quite an awful situation to be in. As everyone says your Grandmother's wishes are paramount here, are you able to speak to her, to try to assertain her thoughts and wishes. We also know any major change can be very difficult for vulnerable people. I wonder what your Mother as Next of Kin thinks? she must know your Grandmother more than most. What if because of your Grandmother's Mental Health she is not able to communicate her wishes? If this is so, the rest of your family cannot make decisions for her.

I have been looking at some legislation that both Social Services and all Healthcare Professionals have to adhere to. It is the Mental Capacity Act 2005 and if your Grandmother has any involvement from any of these organisations, especially who diagnosed Dementia, then a Capacity Assessment should take place and if your Grandmother was found to lack capacity, a major decision, such as housing, would need a 'Best Interests' meeting with all significant others, such as your Mother and yourself, who would provide information before a decision in her best interests is made.

I was directed to this information from my local Advocate Service, I had to wait a long time for an appointment as they are indated with referrals. They told me about the Office of Public Guardian and Court of Protection, you may find their web site helpful. That got me looking at the Mental Capacity Act 2005. Does your local Alziemer's or Carer's Group have an Advocate Service? they should help too.

I do hope this distressing situation is resolved for you all very soon and you find the forum helpful and useful I have.

Do take care.x
thank you for all your replies its nice to know there are people out there that are willing to share their advice with me i have spoken to my grandma i tried not to show any upset emotion to her as i do not wish to make her upset and confused but when i rung last nite she was wishing me new year again after she did on new years day she has no memory of time and things like that when my mum spoke to her the day before me she was asking how her christmas was. we do not wish to distress my nan we are doing what she wants to do and she has said on the phone that she wishes to stay there but we are never gonna give up hope of getting her back because we know she is only saying yes because they are in front of her she says yes to please she useed to do it when she was here i.e. we would ask if she was ok even though we know she wasnt just to see what her answer was and she would always say yes im fine and i know if i went up there to see her she would most prob say so when am i coming home.
thanks again for ur support i will message on here to let u know how i get on xxx