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need help with autistic partner - Carers UK Forum

need help with autistic partner

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hello

my partner has low functioning autism, hes 21 and im 22, ive never dealt with anyone that i know of that has this so im at a bit of a loss.

we've been together 2 and a half years and although we live together im still learning new things everyday.

but my question is how do i deal with his mood swings because sometimes he can be the nicest person then all of a sudden he changes and is vile, and downright intolerable.

i know that its not his fault so i deal with it, but i was just wondering if anyone could give me some advice on how to deal with it if there is any tips or things i could try.

thanks
claire
Hi Claire and welcome, I've moved you to New to the Forum so that more members will see you and be able to offer advice and friendship Image
Hi Clair and welcome, my son has the same problem, one of many, I usually find when he has mood swings I usually try not to argue with him and generally just agree with him, even when what he might be saying that is wrong, try not to shout or lose your temper it really does not help as the only person who gets upset will be you. I know this might not work for everyone but after 21 years of trying everything, this works for me, I let him go off to another room and cool off, I try not to ask him any questions and just be nice to him, although it is sometimes through gritted teeth lol! I know in the end he cannot help it and as my son has a bad memory 10 minutes later all is forgotten.

Hopefully someone else will be along shortly, to let you know what works for them to give you other options. Sandra.
Hello Claire, hope you get the help and support here that you need. My 2 daughters (18 & 16) are autistic, and although lovely, are not aware of how I feel, and that can be hard when I always have to be aware of how they feel! I use a lot of distraction with my eldest ( just changing the subject/focus, to kind of reboot her thinking) but this might not be of any help in your situation.
Take care xx
Hiya and a warm welcome to the forum. Just wondering is your partner on any form of medication, as some can have a more postive effect than others. Trying to keep calm and not argue back or raise your voice(easier said than done on occasion) can have a positive effect as can moving yourself to a different room.
Hi Claire,

I agree with the other posters. When he is being intolerable I would just walk away until he has calmed down again. Later when he is back to being calm and reasonable, explain your point of view/how you feel. You will need to speak clearly and say exactly what you mean.

Melly1
Hello and welcome!

I have been in a very similar situation, albeit a long time ago. The difference was, I did not know my boyfriend at the time had LFA or Aspergers. His parents had never had him diagnosed. He was dyslexic-in fact he couldnt read or write beyond about a 3 year old level but he hid it so well, I didnt find out for 6 months! He had terrible mood swings and I never even knew why-it was like a switch had flipped. He tried to control what I wore, where I worked, who I saw, my friends and constantly accused me of cheating. He began hitting me after about a year and my confidence was at zero so I took it. Eventually I got out but he stalked me for ages...until he found a new girlfriend and I heard he was exactly the same with her. I only realised he was ASD years later. My father has Aspergers syndrome and was exactly like that with my mother until he left eventually and went into sheltered accomodation. My mum thought his syndrome was a physical illness-in the 60's no one really heard of it-he was diagnosed when he was in his early 60's. My brother has classic autism but isnt like that, he has other serious issues though and requires a lot of care from professionals.
I have 4 children, my 3 eldest all 'neuro-typical'. I used to worry and watch their development! thought I was safe but my youngest who is 10 is just like your partner and my ex boyfriend, At only 10, I fear for his future girlfriends already. All help I try to get for him is brushed away after one visit to CAHMS. He is a handsome boy and seems perfectly lovely and charming until that switch flips.

I am not sure what my point is other than to give you a little insight into the personality side of things. With my experience of my childhood where my dad flipped suddenly and we were all in fear of him (he was violent sometimes) and the same experience with my boyfriend (weird how I chose the same element of disorder eh?) and now my son, I am not sure you can change his tendancy to be like that-in fact I doubt it very much. He will not empathise with you, he won't know to care that he hurts you because he can't-it is inherent in his condition. As has been said, you can placate him, go along with it, don't disagree etc but the question you really need to ask yourself is this: how is this behaviour going to affect you? your mental and physical wellbeing? you really need to ask yourself some tough questions because if you are in this for the long haul, you will need support for you, not just him because it is going to be hard. Sorry but I believe that to be true.
I stayed with my ex boyfriend for nearly 3 years because I thought I could help him learn to read and I got him to go for counselling but he believed heart and soul that I was untrustworthy and he knew I was "more intelligent" so he persecuted and bullied me for that. He couldnt help it, I realise that now, but it doesnt make it any easier for us! Are you sure you want this for the long term? sorry if I am not saying what you want to hear but just speaking from my own experience, I hope yours is different-I really do Image