[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 585: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 641: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
My mother won't help herself get better. - Carers UK Forum

My mother won't help herself get better.

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
So I am new to this, and am unsure what to do in my situation so would like some advice!

My mother has had arthritis for about 4 years now, and last September her health took a nasty turn. She wasn't eating or drinking and she kept having falls and was unable to move at all. We soon had to get a family member in the house 24/7 to make sure she was okay. We asked for her to be admitted to hospital, which she was, however they discovered she had had a stroke. A week later she forced the doctors to discharge her so she could come home. Since this she has been on medication so her arthritis doesn't affect her anymore.

However, the stroke has affected a bit of her memory and she has had a personality change. My mother has always been a big drinker.. an alcoholic perhaps, and she only ever focusses on when she is able to get to the pub etc.

I live at home with my mother and father and younger sister (the older siblings have moved out), and since she became ill I have been my mothers main carer.

Background info out of the way! (haha sorry its a long story but it has to be explained).

So now we are at the point in which social care have pulled out because my mother kept lying to them saying she could do everything independently.. which she can't. The doctors don't really know what is going on. She doesn't eat anything because she says she 'doesn't fancy it' and she sleeps all the time. She refuses to wash or changer clothes or keep up her personal hygiene.

I do my very best to help her with everything and try to motivate her (my older sister does too but she doesn't live at home) yet she is so horrid to me and says awful things about me to my family. I am at a loss as to what to do, because she is basically starving herself and isn't drinking any water (only alcohol), and she wont let us help her to get better, and wont help herself. I am emotionally drained by it all and feel like everything I have done these past few months have been a waste. I was hoping someone could give me some advice on what to do?
Hello, welcome to the forum. Can I ask how old mum is? You say mum can still manage to get to the pub?
It's not fair on you for social care to be withdrawn because mum can't tell the truth. You need that support. Ask for it to be reinstated.
Hey! Mum is only 55. She is in a wheelchair but my dad also likes a drink and so they go out every day (sometimes twice a day).

We have tried speaking to the doctor about more care but my mother is still capable of making her own decisions.. it has put such a burden on me and my sister.
How old are you and your sister? I'm afraid it sounds like it's time you moved out, the both of you, as until you do, your mum will continue to be 'in denial' of how much care she needs, as you are supplying that care.

I'm afraid alcoholics really can't be reasoned with, and if your mum has had a stroke, it could well have caused some dementia.

I know it's painful, but she's made her life choices, and really, she has to take the consequences.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you and your sister deserve a life of your own, and a future that is happy. Becoming a non-stop carer to a mum who is an alcoholic, with dementia setting in, or whatever it is, is a one-way ticket to misery.

Wishing you as well as can be, but I think you should move out and claim your own life. Maybe when you are not there your parents will acknowledge they have problems, and get the help they need. But I expect your mum will continue to be in denial - most alcoholics are, alas.
You should get yourself registered as a Young Carer, did you say how old you are, or have I missed that?

Ask for a Carers Assessment for yourself, and be totally honest about how much help you need.
Colin - I fear that being a Young Carer for an alcoholic is a hide into nothing. One just ends up being a Middle Aged Carer and one's life gone completely. Best to get out now.
Yes. I agree with you, but she needs to get a Social Worker to assess how much she needs to do to be able to look after herself and the younger sister, and are they being left Home Alone etc.
I am 22 and my sister is 28 (she has her own family and lives a 10 min drive from us).

I really want to move out but i'm just not in a position to yet, however I am hoping to by the end of this year. My sister and I- and my father in fact- worry that she will starve herself to death or something if nothing happens and she doesn't improve.

I think about it all the time, and part of me feels sorry for and I want to help her, and on the other hand she is so nasty to me it makes me want to walk away. I'm very conflicted!

Thank you so much for the advice! It's nice to hear other people's perspectives.
Ah, yes - very true. I see where you are coming from now.
I'm glad you're both older than I feared! (I was worried, as I'm sure Colin was too, that you were only teenagers).

It's natural to be conflicted. You want your mum to 'get better' and to help herself' and upset and frustrated that she doesn't. It's hard for you to 'let go' and step back to let your mum make her own decisions about her life (and perhaps premature death), and hence the frustration. What does you dad think about all this?