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Carers UK Forum •My Caring Dilemma - Page 16
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Re: My Caring Dilemma

Posted: Sun Jul 18, 2021 5:16 pm
by ontheverge
Hi all,

Hope you are all keeping well.

I'm still on the prowl for a house. Went to view one last week which was just about affordable but it had cockroaches in the kitchen so I walked straight out. The nicer ones seem to get snapped up in a day or two but I have contacted local estate agents and left my details with them so who knows. Mum is still adamant she will not move from here so I have given up having that conversation. It's such a shame because the ***** next door are making her ill - no sleep, constantly on edge but according to her God is going to help soon. I'm like whatever!

Has anyone stopped at a hotel since the easing of lockdown? I really need to escape even if it's just for a day. I used to look forward to having a night away once a month or every two months. I've not done that in forever!

Mum's lost even more weight and looks like a skeleton walking around. I really worry about her. I just don't know what more there is I can do. I still buy fatty foods for like avocado and nut paste and cakes but she only has two teeth now so we struggle.

The brother I look after has been put on those milkshake like things from his dietician as he also resembles a skeleton. When he got admitted to hospital for his gall bladder issues, they were very concerned about his weight. He is down to about 8 stones! Had a hospital appointment with him last month and they want to operate and take his gall bladder out so he is all over the place.

The sister I look after seems to be going downhill too. She spoke to her GP and they have told her to go to the hospital for her sciatica next month. She's had it for a year now and has not been able to get into the bath for all the time. We don't have a shower. Her walking seems to be getting stranger. She walks into people at home and she still walks like she is on a mountain or is drunk. She wouldn't let me speak to her GP when she had her appointment so I thought let's leave you to it then!

Sorry I just whinge when I come on here. I hate whinging. I would love to post more positively but there is nothing positive at the moment to post about. It's like I am living in an old people's home and looking after them all. LOL.

The irony of it all is that I sort out other people's lives via work and look at my own! I'm absolutely shattered and all. I've asked the GP for sleeping pills but he just told me to jog on. At least if I could rest, I wouldn't feel so miserable all the time.

Thanks for reading.

Re: My Caring Dilemma

Posted: Sun Jul 18, 2021 8:44 pm
by Melly1
Hi Ontheverge,

I think a regular night away would do you the power of good. How about using a hotel you have used in the past and been impressed by their standards and levels of hygiene. Alternatively, a smaller B&B or air&b could be an option that would expose you to less people.

Re your caring situation: Sometimes it helps to think what would you advice be to someone else in your situation.

Has your Mum seen her GP recently re her weight?
Adding cream and using and adding butter can help increase calories and buying full fat everything. Sponge pud with full fat custard and cream; mashed potato with plenty of butter that kind of thing. She might benefit from blended/ soft ready meals - lots of companies do them.

Sounds like your sister has something neurological going on.

Hope suitable house comes up for you soon - it’s definitely a sellers market - any good ones are gone the minute they are put on the market.

Melly1

Re: My Caring Dilemma

Posted: Mon Jul 26, 2021 1:44 pm
by Denis_1610
Hello again, OnTheVerge. Nice to see you back.
ontheverge wrote:
Sun Jul 18, 2021 5:16 pm
. . .
I'm still on the prowl for a house. . . The nicer ones seem to get snapped up in a day or two but I have contacted local estate agents and left my details with them so who knows.
Good move!
Mum is still adamant she will not move from here so I have given up having that conversation. . .

Yes, you do right to give up that conversation. Mum is adamant; she is not going to change her mind. Is it time that you became adamant that you are going to get yourself out of this hole? Mum can choose whether to have carers call or not. If she chooses the latter, why should she expect you to bail her out?
. . . Has anyone stopped at a hotel since the easing of lockdown? I really need to escape even if it's just for a day. I used to look forward to having a night away once a month or every two months. I've not done that in forever! . . .
Not a bad idea; it would give you a chance to reflect on your situation. Your folk could experience life without you for a longer period. The next step should be a place of your own where you could enjoy this soliude on a regular basis.
. . .
The brother I look after has been put on those milkshake like things from his dietician as he also resembles a skeleton. When he got admitted to hospital for his gall bladder issues, they were very concerned about his weight. He is down to about 8 stones! Had a hospital appointment with him last month and they want to operate and take his gall bladder out so he is all over the place. . .
If your brother needs his gall bladder out, tell him this is something to look forward to. I had mine out after years of all types of stomach upsets and pain. After the operation I was like a new man - rarely any stomach problems nowadays.
. . .The irony of it all is that I sort out other people's lives via work and look at my own! . . .
At work you are not emotionally and socially involved with the people you deal with in the same way as you are with your relatives. You have a successful day dealing with your clients, but at the end of the day you can leave their problems behind, for another day at any rate. When you go home you walk into problems you can't readily escape from.

I am afraid I need to be frank, OnTheVerge. In the year and a half you have been on this forum, you have made some effort but little progress. There are two strategies you can adopt.

1. Keep looking for alternative accommodation. You seem to have convinced yourself, in your earlier posts, that if you move you will have noisy neighbours there too. This needs not necessarily to be the case. Melly's idea of going for a top-floor flat seems good. It is less likely to be noisy, and top floor flats tend to be more affordable. A good point about renting is that if it does not work well it can be taken as a stepping stone to something better. A mortgaged freeholding is a better long-term investment, but if it does not work out it can be costly and complicated to change it for something else.

2. Look for full-time employment, or at least increased hours compared with your present. Are there any opportunities with your present employer? If you go for a mortgage you will be assessed on your present earnings and the deposit you can make. If you increase your salary you will soon be able to command a much enhanced mortgage and widen the scope of properties you seek, as well as enhance your chances of promotion. Yes this will mean less time looking after your family. Your Mum has imposed her will on you for too long. Is it not time you imposed your own will on her? There are caring alternatives available; if Mum rejects these then that is her own silly fault and own problem.

Why don't you start to take decisive steps towards a better life, before it is too late?