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My Caring Dilemma - Page 13 -Carers UK Forum

My Caring Dilemma

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
153 posts
Sorry but I need to vent, so here I am!

MELLY - I could move out now with Mum still around but she won't move with me. Moving out would be pointless if I am going to be stuck in the same rut - I would still have to do the cooking and cleaning. Also, when Mum is not around anymore, I don't want to be left looking after the 2 siblings. They will have to look after themselves. I will not carry them any longer so being a bit cautious.

We've been having a horrendous time with the evil neighbours. They are still slamming and crashing around all day and night. You would have thought they would stop it with the lockdown but no. I've phoned the Council again but they've said slamming doors is household noise! What the hell. I can't reason with the idiots, they will just make it worse. I feel so bad for Mum. Her room is a room above next door to where all the doors are slammed. I don't think she is getting any sleep hence becoming so frail all of a sudden. She won't talk about it and the other 2 at home are still adamant they will not move.

I'm still looking for properties in the area but nothing seems to be coming up which is a shame. I'm on the email list for some of the estate agents in the area too.

I telephoned the GP as I am feeling really under the weather at the moment but didn't get very far. She's given me some anti histamines which will help me sleep but they don't seem to be working this time round. I'm normally tossing and turning until 4am with all kinds of worries taking over my head! Workwise I am on auto pilot. I don't know how I have the energy to do a full day and support all my clients.

One of the siblings I care for is having a breakdown and won't go outside. He won't even go into the garden. He seems very very depressed and constantly talks about his past and how he would have done things differently. I've told him to speak to the GP but he won't. He's lost loads of weight too. I try to not worry about him but I do. Once a fortnight I ask him if he will come shopping with me just to get him out of the house, queue floods of tears and dread and what not. I just don't know what to do!

Is it wrong that I sometimes wish I was dead? It's a feeling I get almost every day. This whole shebang is getting a bit too much for me and I just don't see a way out. I'm not getting any support from the other "able bodied" siblings and I am struggling to get from one day to the next to be honest.

Sorry I just needed to vent and get it all out. Hope you don't mind. Thanks.
ontheverge wrote:
Sat Feb 27, 2021 9:39 pm
Sorry but I need to vent, so here I am!

MELLY - I could move out now with Mum still around but she won't move with me. Moving out would be pointless if I am going to be stuck in the same rut - I would still have to do the cooking and cleaning. Also, when Mum is not around anymore, I don't want to be left looking after the 2 siblings. They will have to look after themselves. I will not carry them any longer so being a bit cautious. . .
Good to see you back, OnTheVerge, though I am sorry you don't feel you are getting anywhere.

Others have said this on various posts and I'll endorse it. It is no use dwelling on what you would do if someone were to die. People do not die out of convenience and can sometimes live on for years. You need to tackle the situation you are in now.

You need to get yourself out of that hell hole. If Mum choses to remain there, in spite of the noise problems, then that is her choice but it does not need to be yours. It seems the noise does not bother her as much as it bothers you. You have made a start, looking at properties. It sounds as you were right not to accept the wreck that you viewed but there must be others. Keep looking and keep in touch with your contacts. Other properties will turn up. Things will get better as COVID-19 restrictions are relaxed.
. . .Is it wrong that I sometimes wish I was dead? It's a feeling I get almost every day. This whole shebang is getting a bit too much for me and I just don't see a way out. I'm not getting any support from the other "able bodied" siblings and I am struggling to get from one day to the next to be honest.
. . .
What if you were to die? How would Mum and siblings cope then? If you were to move out, it would be a small step in that direction for them. You could still visit them but be a little less available to do the household chores. The would be forced to cope more for themselves and it could surprise you how well they might do this. They might even rethink about their living arrangements. At present they are content to put up with the noise; a small price to pay for you waiting on them hand and foot.

But you are not going to die; you are going to find another home and set things in motion for a better life. Keep looking, keep in touch with us and good luck.
Hi Denis,

Thanks for the reply.

Mum hates it here but I think she is just hoping at some point it will stop. Fat chance! You should see her face of fright when the doors start slamming. I've tried to cajole her into moving but she just ignores me for days on end which is actually quite awkward.

I've just told her I might have to go into the office 2 days next week and she is in a huff with me. Bless her soul. I do feel for her but what does she expect me to do? Keep myself caged in at home next to these noisy idiots. I don't think so! :-??? :-???

If she wasn't so frail I would have moved out ages ago. Since her husband died, she's just fallen into nothingness which is such a shame.

I told my sibling that we will go shopping this Friday. He initially said yes but now all of a sudden he is not feeling well. I bet he will have an upset stomach tomorrow and will make further excuses come Friday so he won't have to come.

I've been trying to get my 2 adult siblings to try and do a few things at home and gain some independence but it's not happening. God knows what will happen when Mum isn't around!!!

Thanks again for your response. Hope all is well in your life.
Ok I’ve just read all 13 pages of this thread. Wow! And I thought I was having a hard time.

I don’t have much to add to what everyone has been saying but there a few things I’d like to suggest.

You had a couple of UTIs last year. These can become chronic especially as you are clearly run down, mum kept getting them until we got her onto extra strength (12,500mg) cranberry tablets. Prevention is better than cure.

You say your Mum is struggling with the doors. Have you looked at changing how the doors open? Different handles?

There’s something badly wrong with your brother. You have to get someone to come and see him. I’m afraid the odd trip out isn’t going to cure whatever ails him and he’s never going to go to the doctor himself.
There’s some advice here about helping a relative with mental health problems https://www.rethink.org/advice-and-info ... al-health/ Scroll down to “My relative won’t get help. What can I do?”

Have you tried looking at bungalows? Maybe your mother would be more amenable to moving if you showed her a couple of nice houses? Show don’t tell!

You don’t seem to have got more from your doctor than sleeping aids. I have been discussing getting anti-depressants from my GP with my sister. She tells me the magic phrase is “I wake up in the morning and wonder if I can be bothered to carry on”. You said as much after your UTIs. You’re exhausted mentally and physically.

Your Mum sulking about your working days is ridiculous. She’s manipulating you, I get that she needs a lot of help but this is just selfish.

Finally, I use games on my iPad as my Valium too 🙂

Gx
The only way your situation is going to improve is by moving out. You are stopping yourself with thoughts of "I have to...." but that's it, you do NOT have to do anything at all for them.
Three grown adults left in the house to sort themselves out or ask Social Services for help.
You are responsible for yourself, they are responsible for themselves.
We are all responsible for our own happiness, you, and all of them.
You have "parented" them all for far too long.
It suits them to have you doing things that otherwise they would have to do!

So just for once look after yourself, put yourself first, find somewhere for you to have some quality of life.
Just for once, put your mental health first.
Thanks for the link @MRSGRUMPY, I found it very useful. My brother and my sister tick most of those boxes. Oh God, and here I was thinking it was just Mum I was properly caring for!!! :S :S :S I always thought being the youngest in the family, I would be the one going out causing bother and the others would sort everything out for me. It's like I am having to carry all of them and it's bloody tiring work!

We have had the door handles changed but Mum has no energy to open doors anymore. When I am at home, I normally run around after her and open and close doors. I guess she has to manage when I am at work or not near.

Only one or two bungalows round here to buy but they are on steel hills. The only other ones are Council ones and she can't have one because she already owns this house. This house is not suitable for her but there you go.

You're right. I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally and the **** banging doors constantly next door doesn't help. I phoned environmental health again and told them my Mum is disabled but they just made me feel like a cretin. They said we can't go and take all their doors out, it's normal for people to slam doors. They said if it was music, they would be able to take action. I give up! I know @AYJAY said to not let them off the hook but not sure what more I can say.

Went to view another house today @BOWLINGBUN. This one was a lot better than the last one I went to see so fingers crossed. I am putting an offer in on Monday. I've got the bug now so will keep looking at websites and phoning agents in case something comes up. I'm on a roll now. I may not find something straight away but it's always in the back of my mind. I have my "work Mum" and "work Dad" to ask questions about viewings and what not, so I am grateful for that.

I walked past a new bakery today so went in and bought £20 of brownies and told everyone at home to feast on them and enjoy. Both Mum and my brother look skeletal and it worries me a lot.

May I just ask how you guys cope with mood swings and going off on one? I've recently started shouting and getting quite angry with my 2 siblings. I'm just sick and tired of it all. After my strops, I have then felt awful afterwards. It's just too much hard work and I feel like I am on the verge of having a meltdown. I try to be calm and understanding of their issues and situation but I run out of patience sometimes. They have me to lean on or run around and do everything for them but who have I got? I've got all you lovely people who listen to me whinge and moan but other than that, no one.

Thanks for hearing me out. I appreciate it.
I hope this house works out better than the previous one, OnTheVerge. You are on a roll, on the right path. Keep at it. The next move is yours. The others will not do anything until the carpet is pulled from beneath them.
On the subject of mum's house, has she thought about doing a deal with the council? They rent a bungalow to her, and they have the use of her house for a fixed term?
Thanks both. I've put the offer in today. Fingers crossed.

BB - our Council don't do swaps or exchanges as such. The only way to get one of their bungalows is via bidding. Mum wanted to be honest when we did the application. She told them this was her house so she gets no priority at all. :woohoo: :woohoo:

They said they could put in a stair lift for her but that would just cause her more bother. They would have to take off the door from the front room to upstairs to fit it which would mean all the heat would whizz upstairs and her arthritis is really bad as it is!
In the new Forest the council will effectively lease a property used for someone on the waiting list. So if mum has a house but wants a small bungalow the council would take on mum's hope which they rent out, and mum would rent a bungalow. Mum could even do this and then rent a bungalow in the private sector. It's a win win situation!
153 posts