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My Caring Dilemma - Page 15 - Carers UK Forum

My Caring Dilemma

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
153 posts
ontheverge wrote:
Fri May 21, 2021 7:31 pm
. . .
She made me whince when she said she hopes her Mum passes away soon. Initially I thought "oh you bitch" but I understood where she was coming from.
. . .
To put things in perspective, there are two sides to this. When Mum passes away it will be a relief for your colleague in so far that she will no longer have the burden of caring. But it may also be a relief for Mum, who is constantly suffering. Her daughter will find it distressing to witness this.

How is your house hunting getting on? This quest should give you the motivation to keep going. Thanks for keeping in touch.
Hello ontheverge

I just read your story and I really feel for you. You are in such a difficult position with so many challenges and responsibilities. No wonder you feel drained!
Your story makes me think about emotional boundaries. The ideal situation is that we all take responsibility for our own happiness - a bit like tending our own garden. The problem is that some people (we will call them victim Mentality people) want others to solve their emotional problems and meet their emotional needs for them which is like expecting someone else to come and clean their garden. This is actually impossible because no matter how much we do (or what the movies tell us), no human can make another completely
and permanently happy, we all have to do the hard work of figuring out how to make ourselves happy. Unfortunately, some people (we will call them well meaning carers) find it extremely difficult to say no to the people who ask / tell / manipulate / guilt trip them to come and clean their gardens for them. This is not healthy or sustainable because a) the carer can never ever make the victim Mentality person entirely happy so they will always demand more, and b) tending to others gardens requires a lot of time and effort, leaving the carer with no time to manage their own garden. There may be good reasons why your mother is so emotionally demanding, but that doesn't mean her behaviour is acceptable. If you don't mind me making a suggestion, I think you might benefit from learning how to set boundaries of responsibilities for yourself and others. E.g. you may agree to take on the responsibility for cooking for your mother. But if she tries to make you feel guilty for going out, that is unfair of her, stems from her own issues of insecurity and her responsibility to sort out - you can't do this for her. Moreover, the only way she can be happy is to work it out for herself - she probably isn't as frail and helpless as you think because she manages while you are at work - and I'm afraid you aren't doing her any favours by trying to bail her out. Setting firm boundaries isn't easy to do alone because carers may have been in the habit of pandering to victim mentalities for years, and may secretly believe that they are valuable to others only if they care for them (this is untrue btw). So I would recommend working through this with a good counsellor who can support you to find your own voice, strength and clarity. Your family may not change, your neighbours may not change (have you tried talking to them btw?), so if you don't want to continue living life like this, it is you who must change. I think you looking for a house is really positive - well done! Your mum might agree to move if she sees how nice the new house is. Even if she doesn't, it may make your life a lot better to simply have a space of your own without noisy neighbours where you can retreat to at the end of your day. These are just my thoughts and what is important is how you think and feel. Good luck
Hi both,

Denis - I'm still online hunting but haven't been to view any lately. I know I should aim at getting a property but I don't want a hovel which will make me feel even worse about things.

V - you are right. I do need some sort of counselling again. I had a session via work before lockdown started. Hopefully I will be able to do one of those again. I've completely lost all my confidence. It doesn't help that the nasties are so noisy. No point in talking to them, they just make it worse and then say "if you don't like it, move".

To be honest, I can do all the physical side of caring. I would happily do it until the day I die but I can't do with the noise. The nasties have been banging like mad today. The worst thing is you are sat anticipating a slam and it's so consuming! Lack of sleep makes me grouchy and angry and I sometimes lash out at Mum and the siblings I care for. I still have no idea why they won't move. If we all clubbed in together, we could easily buy something nicer but no, they don't want to move.

Mum is unhappy and controlling because she was in a very controlling relationship all her married life. I think she is petrified of being on her own. Dad wouldn't let her mix with any of her friends or even her family. I do feel sorry for her, I really do but I can't be doing with her treating me like a small child. She expects all the doors to be locked as soon as I am back from work and as soon as I mention going out, it's "oooh you might catch the virus". It's so annoying!!! All my uncles and aunties from Mum's side are in their mid 70's. If Mum lives that long, it's another 15+ years of this! I feel awful for thinking or saying this but it's so hard when one person is expected to carry 3 others.

Oh and the hospital appointments are up and running again so I have those to look forward to now - 1 each week for the next 4 weeks! Oh the joy of it all! The brother I care for sent a text to 2 other siblings but both have said no they can't go with him. I'm tempted to say the same but he can't manage on his own and he gets so worked up and wouldn't know what to say / ask etc.

Does anyone know if those alcoholics anonymous like groups for carers will start again soon? I don't mean the online chatty one on here, I mean the actual physical ones. I would love to go to one and pour my heart out to random people. I need to get it out of my system.

Thanks for listening.
It all sounds so difficult for you, I have just read your last post. I'm sure that this sort of support groups face to face will start up soon, possibly after June 21st if we get the go-ahead>
Counselling might certainly help , do you have any sort of support from social services ?
ontheverge wrote:
Sat May 29, 2021 10:30 pm
. . .
Denis - I'm still online hunting but haven't been to view any lately. I know I should aim at getting a property but I don't want a hovel which will make me feel even worse about things. . .
Hello again, OnTheVerge. You don't want a palace, either, just something small and affordable where you can chill out and recover your sanity. Not something that requires renovation either, or you just add to your burdons. Don't assume that everything available will be online. It takes time and effort to put a property on line. Some get snapped up quickly and never reach that stage. Visit estate agents' offices in person and make yourself known. They often have properties "just come in", "under the counter". They may even notify you of new sellers' instructions that could interest you.
. . . To be honest, I can do all the physical side of caring. I would happily do it until the day I die but I can't do with the noise. . .
. . . Oh and the hospital appointments are up and running again so I have those to look forward to now - 1 each week for the next 4 weeks! Oh the joy of it all! . . .

You seem to be contradicting yourself! I reckon that the truth is that the whole burdon of responsibility is getting you down. That is part of the reason why you find the noise of the neighbours to be intolerable, though your Mam does not seem to be bothered by it.
. . . Lack of sleep makes me grouchy and angry and I sometimes lash out at Mum and the siblings I care for. I still have no idea why they won't move. If we all clubbed in together, we could easily buy something nicer but no, they don't want to move. Mum is unhappy and controlling because she was in a very controlling relationship all her married life. I think she is petrified of being on her own. Dad wouldn't let her mix with any of her friends or even her family. I do feel sorry for her, I really do but I can't be doing with her treating me like a small child. She expects all the doors to be locked as soon as I am back from work and as soon as I mention going out, it's "oooh you might catch the virus". It's so annoying!!! All my uncles and aunties from Mum's side are in their mid 70's. If Mum lives that long, it's another 15+ years of this! I feel awful for thinking or saying this but it's so hard when one person is expected to carry 3 others. . .
It may also be the case that your Mum is a bit deaf. I don't think that fear of being on her own is behind her reluctance to move. If, as you suggested, you were to club together to buy a new house she would not be on her own then. But she does not want to do this. She is settled where she is and probably fears a change. You will need to make the first move and strike out on your own. You never know - this could make Mum think again about moving.

I agree with your Mum about locking doors. In times past, people were less concerned about security. I think back in horror to the days when, as a teenager, I "baby sat" for my parents during their evenings at the club. No regard was paid to locking doors; when they returned they just walked straight in without fiddling with keys. Anybody else could have just walked in too. It is also a good idea to have a chain on the door, restricting how far it can be opened if you have any unknown and unexpected visitors.

Don't speculate on how long people may live. Tackle the problems you face right now.
. . . Does anyone know if those alcoholics anonymous like groups for carers will start again soon? I don't mean the online chatty one on here, I mean the actual physical ones. I would love to go to one and pour my heart out to random people. I need to get it out of my system. . .
I think there are carers' support groups in most areas. There is one near me. Ask at your medical practice, or Citizens' Advice Bureau. As we gradually come out of lockdown these should become more active.
What kind of support would social services offer? Mum will NOT have carers come to help full stop. She outright refuses it and I can't really force her to. I was offered counselling through work pre lock down but only had one session. I'll chase it up once things are back to normal.

I'm still house hunting. Like you said, somewhere quiet to just rest my bones would be ideal. Even the not so fancy properties are very pricey at the moment. There's quite a few flats that are reasonably priced but at this moment, the thought of having neighbours above me and to each side stresses me out so it's a no from me for now. The nasties from next door are still banging and slamming as I type. Wish they would all just drop dead!!!

Went to the hospital with brother but they couldn't do the MRI scan. He has an implant so it's not possible. I don't understand why they booked the appointment in the first place when they knew he had an implant! They now think the only thing possible is to cut his gall bladder out.

It's like I'm going from one mishap to another. I really need a break.

I'm really struggling with sleep at the moment. Would my GP give me anything for it? I've tried loads of herbal things but nothing seems to work. Help!!!

Thanks for hearing me out again.
Hi OntheVerge,

definitely a sellers market, houses selling at silly prices and going like cupcakes (don't know where that saying came from!!) Some folk even buying them without looking around them!

Noise is a trigger for me too. I have noisy neighbours one side. Really adds to my stress levels.

Personally, I don't think a flat would be good for you - the exception being a top floor one - so nobody over you. My friend lives in a 'posh' flat. It's well designed and her party wall is with a corridor that only leads to her flat and her bathroom and one bedroom are on the other party wall. She doesn't hear anything through these walls but does hear the woman above's washing machine etc which is on economy 7.

I have to say it is wise to lock doors these days - a few years ago I hadn't locked the back door having carried in the washing basket and taken it straight upstairs. A chance intruder entered the house and stole my handbag. I was sat in the then work/play room on the computer, heard a sound in the hall, thought it was a bit quiet to be S, went to investigate - and there was a bloke standing in the hall. He fled. I told the police he left empty handed, but later realised he had taken my bag from the hall. Made me really jumpy for awhile.

That's maddening re the waste of time appointment for an MRI he couldn't have - totally waste of everyone's time and also deprived someone else of the appointment. Who referred your brother for that?

Melly1
Hi Melly1,

Glad to know I am not the only one on here with nasty neighbours. Swear down, sometimes I wonder if anything that can go wrong will go wrong for me. The cow has been slamming doors all morning. What does she get out of it?

My brother was kept in hospital a few weeks ago due to severe abdomen pain. They did an xray and an ultrasound and the doctor who goes to see all the patients in the morning was the one who asked for an MRI. It clearly says on his file that he has a an implant (can't wee normally, has to use catheters, the implant was meant to help stimulate his nerves) so unsure why they booked one and then he couldn't have one when we went for it. Poor thing had not eaten or drank since 3am and it was that dy when it was really really hot!

I agree about the locking of doors but I think my Mum does it in a more controlling way - almost like you have finished work and you are NOT going out again. I don't know if you have it there but sometimes we have people who pinch clothes off the washing line and garden tools and furniture too - so yeah, locking doors is a must. What a horrible thing that someone walked into your house. Hope you are OK now.

Has my first covid vaccine yesterday so feeling a bit all over the place today. I think we will have to eat a takeaway. I'm too tired to cook.

Thanks for hearing me out.
We had a takeaway the evening of our first vaccine jab (Astrazeneca) too. I planned it as I didn't want to drive S to the other side of the city for his club in case either of us felt unwell. As it happened, I was glad it was the plan, because although neither felt ill we both felt SO tired.

Re doors, oh I see. Perhaps you should instigate an evening walk (for yourself) to get her used to you exercising control and independence - even just around the block.

No need to be slamming doors - thoughtless.

Melly1
OK for someone to lock doors as long as the keys are taken out of the lock and everyone has keys? Otherwise it is imprisonment!!!
153 posts