My Caring Dilemma

[bowlingbun]

Don't keep apologising. Accept that it IS difficult and something needs to happen to reduce it so you can have a life of your own at last.

[Joan_1501]

Hello again!!! '

re your remark about having a support worker to take over for a few hours . I'm sure there will be voluntary group in your area who offer a "volunteer visiting scheme ".

If there is perhaps you could try and persuade your mum to let them come for an hour or two? As an excuse for them coming perhaps you could tell your mum that your doctor has told you quite firmly that you need some time to yourself on a regular basis because otherwise you are going to become ill!!

I know it's a big "porky pie" but something's got to give or you WILL be ill! And us carers have ALL told the odd "porky pie" to ensure our sanity! !

Hopefully (fingers and everything else crossed!!) your mum might be accepting of this especially as the doctor says this has to happen.

In fact (light bulb moment!!) go and see her doctor and ask him to visit her for a "routine check up) and then ask him if he could kindly suggest this idea to her . I am sure most doctors would support you in this way.

I know my mum's doctor was always supporting of me when my mum was at home. Although saying that he couldnt persuade her to have day care or respite care!! But ANY THING is worth a try is it not??

Anyway good luck...all of us on this site are thinking of you.

Joan (())

[Elizabeth_2001]

It's good you vented how you feel and to everyone else it's obvious that you are suffering. It's impossible to do it all something will break and more than likely it will be you . Family carers paid or unpaid all try to do the best for others and overlook our own mental health and feel you falling into a dark hole. Feeling a failure cause you can't do it all work and caring .We all have stories to say to others .Only people in these caring roles understand and can empathize .The loneliness is another side that is understated. Take care , of yourself because if you don't who will x

[ontheverge]

bowlingbun,

I won't use that word again. I promise.

Thanks for your kind words.

joan,

I will take what you have said on board. I fear Mum will do her "eyes closed, I am not listening to you" routine again but we shall see. She does this each time I mention moving / getting some outside help / care homes. She's started doing it when I tell her we need to go to the GP's for her diabetic checks, although she did say it's too cold and windy, I might fly away, bless her soul. I will literally have to drag her next week if she keeps saying no.

She's such a lovely woman and I absolutely adore her and I have so much time for her but she is impossible at times. It also breaks my heart she has gone from being a confident healthy woman to what she is now. I just wish the 2 able siblings would also join in and help out, even if it was just sitting with her for a while. All Mum's siblings are in their late 70's and 80's with numerous health issues so they can't come over once in a while either.

Hope you are keeping well. Thanks for your kind words.

elizabeth,

That's exactly how I feel. For so long, I felt I had to just soldier on but I have now realised this is not possible. If I am not well, I won't be able to cook / clean / take to appointments etc. I wish there was a resiliency course carers could go on for free. It would make us a lot stronger.

I've not had chance to have a verbal vent as I have been stuck at home as brother is not too well. I will phone the helpline on Monday during my lunch break at work. I have vented on here so thanks all for listening to me moan again.

I've also decided I am going to take one half day off from work per month and just go sit in a park or go to the Kitty Cafe in town or just get a book and sit in a coffee shop and have a bit of me time. Whether this happens or not is a different matter but I am slowly slowly doing things.

Thanks again my online mates for listening to me. I appreciate it.

[Cloudygal]

Ontheverge

That sounds like a good plan.
The Kitty Cafe sounds amazing, out of curiosity I looked it up. Wow! Wish we had one here!

Animals are very therapeutic. Be determined to get your me time. You deserve it.

[bowlingbun]

What can mum do to physically stop you having people in to help YOU in YOUR caring role? In reality, not a lot!

There's a phrase used here, I don't like it, but can't think of a better alternative of "elderly toddler".

This absolutely describes how old people can be sometimes. From their point of view, they are very set in their ways, frail, with very little control over anything any more. Their world has shrunk, and sometimes the effect is to try and control the few things that they think they can.

I remember, when I was 59 and disabled, saying that I couldn't do something, mum said "well it's not as if you were 60 is it?". She always remembered me as being very fit, and completely forgot that I too was disabled, recently widowed, trying to earn a living with a son with severe learning difficulties.
She'd simply forgotten about all my problems. One day she even had a moan about losing dad when he was 78. I got very cross and told her not to EVER say that to me ever again, as I was widowed when I was just 54, and my husband was 58. She was lucky to have 50 more years of marriage than I had.

She wasn't being mean or nasty, that just wasn't in her nature, it was simply that she was so ill and self focussed my problems hadn't really registered.

If YOU need something to help you care, then arrange it, for your own sake.

[ontheverge]

BB,

I know exactly what you are saying but at the end of the day, it's her house and her rules. So I can't really keep pestering her about it. As I said, I am fine with the physical care side to it but I can't do the emotional side as I am a complete wreck. I will keep cajoling her though. Just not every day.

My other sibling brought his kids over yesterday so that was fun. It's nice to have kids running around and laughing and jumping. Normally it feels like the scene from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory where he comes home from school or wherever and all the grandparents are laid on their beds (siblings and Mum are laid on sofas!). I think it really cheers Mum up because the older grandchild / nephew tells us everything he has been doing at school and his new friends etc. Sister in law sent some food too so I won't have to cook today which is a godsend.

I've completed a self referral form to employee health care and hope they will contact me soon. I've sent it off first class.

I also got an email from a new pizza restaurant opening in Leeds next week and they have offered me a free pizza so I have booked for that for next week. I'm taking half a day off from work next week and will put my glad rags on and treat myself. One of my friends wanted to meet for a catch up too but I don't know if I will. If friends are not carers, they don't understand and I get tired / jealous / annoyed about him going on about everything he does in his spare time. I know it's not his fault but it just makes me feel even worse for not being able to have a social life. All friends seem to say is "it will be fine" and then want to change the subject. Sigh!

Oh and my brother told us that one of my uncle's is on his death bed (he has been terminally ill for a good few years now so we knew he was poorly but not that he was on his way out) and the other one is having a heart bypass. Both are Mum's brothers so that put a downer on everything.

I'm just taking each day as it comes now. If I went to bed and never woke up again, that would be a good thing as I'm just so tired with this awful life! There's only one of me and I can't be the emotional support for 2 to 3 people including myself.

Thanks for listening to me vent again and thanks to all who keep propping me up and giving me advice. I would be so lost without you.

[bowlingbun]

It may be her house, but it can't be her rules!!

You could leave tomorrow and have a better life.
On the other hand she is totally dependent on you.
She can only stay there because of the kindness of your heart, so it's YOUR rules that matter!!

When did you last go away for a weekend, a week, or a fortnight???

Mum would soon find out that really she has no power at all. If she wants to stay there it has to be you making the conditions which mean you stay.

You may be her daughter but you are an adult and she should not be treating you as if you were still a little girl. I know it's difficult, counselling helped me manage my own mum better.

[ontheverge]

Yeah BB, you are right and I completely get where you are coming from.

I would love to just pack and bugger off and never return but then she would be stuck with the other 2 and believe it or not, she would try and do the cooking etc but not be able to do it.

The kids are coming over again tomorrow so that will be fun and then on Thursday I have told her I am going to the gym. I'm not going to the gym but just going to sit on a wall somewhere and speak to the helpline. I just need to offload.

I'm going to start calling the GP to make an appointment for next week and I have written my bullet points down.

Oh and I am her son, not her daughter, lol. You are too funny.

[ontheverge]

Still not managed to get a GP appointment. They are still all booked up! Bloody joke. I got one of those certificates where you pay £30 and get prescriptions for free for 3 months but they are always bloody full up!!! What a waste of money.

Mum seems a bit cheery but brother is still in a rut. His leg is not "working" again today and he is doing the whole woe is me thing which is just depressing.

I've done all the cooking and cleaning and even went to the gym today.

We had a work reunion party the other day for a few colleagues who left and I went to that - did all the cooking in advance, Mum was not happy and ignored me all night but I was only out for 2 hours or so. It was good to catch up and reminded me of 10 years ago when they worked with me, when I was care free, well not care free but Dad was still alive and all I had to do was the physical caring like cooking and cleaning and hospital runs and not all the emotional stuff too! The good old days. One of the colleagues has really bad rheumatoid arthritis so it was good to swap notes with what is going on with Mum. She also said you don't have to keep topping up the dosage of MTX and you are able to say no which we were not aware of, the consultant is VERY pushy.

I was just about managing with the caring stuff until this morning when my brother had a text saying my uncle is now on his way out. He has palliative care at home and they don't expect him to be with us for more than a week. Mum and I are meant to be going to visit him in a bit and I am already an emotional wreck. This is one thing I cannot handle. Please send positive vibes. I need them.