My 47 y.o. Son

[Jacqueline_2002]

My son, who is 47yo and unemployed has been diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic for he past 10 years. He has been Sectioned 7 times - the last time in Nov 2019 for refusing his meds and was kept in hospital for 3 days. He is again this week refusing his meds.
I was, until today, his unpaid carer but have now at long last seen the light and agree with the rest of the family that he is just using me for money (when he has spent his benefit monies) and food (he comes here every morning for breakfast and I cook a meal for him every day). He can be very verbally abusive at times when you tell him no and I have had a particularly bad time with him this week. I have today sent him a bank transfer which should last him for cigarettes (50 cigs per day!) Money for gas and electricity and to clear a small bank overdraft that was costing £8 per day. He gets his next payment of benefits on Tuesday. After this hes on his own!
From today, he and his MH team (who seem do very little for him) have been told that I am no longer his unpaid carer, he is not to come to our home for the foreseeable future (he lives 5 mins away), and he will no longer be given food or money and needs to stand on his own feet. He is not mentally incompetent, it is my opinion he had a mental breakdown 10 years ago and because he has had very little help etc from his MH team he has deteriorated and is lazy. I have had occasion in he past to call the Police for various reasons and although I dont like to do so may have to resort to this again if things get bad. Am I a bad Mother? I am 72 and semi disabled and my husband is 82 no one else lives with us and we have no outside help nor indeed any financial assistance. Our other 3 children are in relationships and have families although we are all - except for my 47 yo son - in regular contact.

[Ayjay]

Am I a bad Mother? I am 72 and semi disabled and my husband is 82 no one else lives with us and we have no outside help nor indeed any financial assistance.

No.

In my opinion you've done enough already, and sometimes there comes a point where you just have to say no more.

Be prepared for it to get a bit bumpy in the immediate future, but stick to your principles.

[Jacqueline_2002]

THank you Ayjay. Yes, it's going to be a bumpy ride for a while and I hope I can be strong .

[sunnydisposition]

Through being a very good mother you have been enabling your son. It's become like feeding a bad habit. The cycle has to be broken. Which you are now starting to do. The severity of his illness needs to be dealt with by professionals. You will have to direct your son to the many charities that are available. For mental health individuals. Even the Salvation Army provide help with meals etc.

I think you have done more than most people. Your son is a mature adult! He is making is own decisions now you are making yours.

Calling the police 100% the right thing to do.

[ontheverge]

You've done right Jacqueline. Well done you.

May I ask if he owns his property or is it from the Council? If it's a Council or housing association, if you have time, run it past them too so they maybe able to give him a support worker if he is going to have to be independent now.

Also when you mentioned the MH Team, does he have a community psychiatric nurse or just a regular worker? If it's a CPN, they should be working intensely with him but that's only if he engages with them.

Good luck though and stay strong.

[Jacqueline_2002]

Thank you for your kind words.
My Son is in a one bed housing association (I do not know which HA but may be able to find out via the Council as its Council owned property) flat on the top floor.
His last care co ordinator left in November so he was without anyone until I put pressure on his phyciatrist and my Son has had a semi retired Social Worker for the past 5 weeks who he sees weekly as far as I know. Sorry, my Son plays his cards close to his chest and tells me very little. I am getting mixed messages as my Son tells me he has asked for Art and talking therapy classes whereas they say they have been offered to him and he has refused.
I want so much to stay strong!

[thara_1910]

Hello and welcome

Stay strong! Best wishes and please keep us updated too.

[ontheverge]

Jacqueline,

Get in touch with the Council and find out which housing association it is. They may not tell you due to GDPR though. Then get in touch with them and tell them he is struggling and could he get any assistance. There should be local housing charities who might be able to give give him some ongoing tenancy support. They may say no if he has a community psychiatric nurse but no harm in trying.

Anyway you are doing the right thing. Just get him the help and support he needs so he no longer takes advantage of you.

[Jacqueline_2002]

Hi Everyone, thank you all so much for your kind advice. Am trying so hard to be strong but it's so very difficult. My Son has not been to our home since he was banned. He sent an email the following day saying he was coming to dinner and dont call the police and I rang him and said if he came I would defo ring the police. Because my husband is concerned about our Son, I have had 2 short phone conversations with our Son but he is still only thinking of himself - he has not even said thank you for the money we sent. My Son thinks I am the worst Mother ever, he says he had the most terrible childhood and will tell everyone. Our other 3 children totally disagree! Hes trying to put me on a guilt trip, this I can see, but it is making me feel stronger. He says hes short of money again as hes had lots of takeaways.
Says there is no point in going out shopping as he cant cook anything 'cos his kitchen is a fire risk (he doesnt do any cleaning!)
His MH team are not responding to me either by email or phone so the situ is in limbo at the moment.
My Son has an apmt to see his phyciatrist at the end of this week so I am hoping he I'll now engage with them. I'm trying to stay positive!
Your positive thoughts and comments do help - than u all
J

[bowlingbun]

My son is 40, he can't read, write or do any maths due to brain damage at birth. Everything I do for him reflects the fact that one day I will die so he needs to be able to manage without me. He has his own flat and carers to help. Your son has NO RIGHT to your home or money. He needs to grow up and learn to manage his own affairs. If mine can manage with all his difficulties yours is so much more fortunate. Each time you give in teaches him he can still manipulate you. He's only interest you is getting what he wants for his own ends. He will never change now. Sad but true. Expecting anything else leaves yo permanently disappointed. You are not a bad mother, he is a selfish manipulative man.