[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 585: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 641: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
Mum refusing day care! - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Mum refusing day care!

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
It's great that your mum has changed her 'flat refusal' to a 'maybe' courtesy of your husband. I think that goes to show that, as you say, she expects, as your mother, to be 'the boss' no matter how much stress she puts on you.....

As I said, I'm afraid that so often it seems to be that the very elderly just don't think about other people any more, so maybe your husband can manage to appeal to her 'better nature' and tell her roundly that you need a break, and for your sake she should put up with day care from time to time.

Maybe, sadly, that when we become very old we become 'ruthless' rather than selfish, and anyone younger than us is desperately envied because they have more life left to them than a very elderly person has....? Or maybe it is just because their mental faculties are failing, and like a toddler they can't imagine that other people have any existence of their own.

I do think, though, that the relationship we have with our parents when they get very old does depend on the relationship we had with them in earlier life. A parent who has always been 'dictatorial' is unlikely to change in extreme old age.

All the very best with getting yourself a break from caring. The irony is that if we do get breaks, it means we can keep going longer without cracking up!
They are supposed to assess mum's needs and then advise you what is available. They should NOT start by asking about finances! They should also be supporting you in your caring role. As I understand it the new care act applies now, and their responsibilities towards carers are increased, so ask again. If mum has savings then she should be spending them to support you in various ways.
Jenny, I found that natural character traits are often "enhanced" in someone with dementia, ie if someone was a bit stubborn before, with dementia they cecome impossibly obstinate. It is not deliberate, it is a symptom of the illness.

If mum responds well to men, I wonder if a male doctor recommending breaks for you may help?

Bowlingbun, what Meryl describes is sadly all too common. If someone's savings are in excess of the prescribed amount, SS washes their hands of them and goes onto the next case ....
Anne, SSD still have a duty to support and advise on what's available. I know from my experience with mum's discharge that they just look at the money first, which is totally unlawful. Now the new Care Act is in place things are supposed to have changed. If not, a formal complaint to the Director of Social Services is the way forward. I'm sure it says "Beware this Woman" on my file, but I'm passed caring. My only concern is that I make darned certain that they do what they are paid to do.
Thank you for all your replies and help, it's wonderful to know that there are people out there who understand!
Mum definitely turns on the charm with men and can do a very good act!
I'm determined to get some daycare organised, as suggested, I may have to hold her hand a few times till she's used to it. Most of her grumpiness is fear of anything new.
It seems a shame that I'm being told to take her to a doctor, who are so busy, rather than SS helping.
So glad I found this website by chance as no one has told me about it!
Thank you
My mum did not want to go to the day centre or have a carer initially but I have overcome this by introducing her to one of my friends( the carer) and gradually after seeing her come in and chat to me and spend a few minutes with mum got to like her and now goes out to lunch once a week with her, she looks forward to her coming all week.
The day centre started with me going with her and eventually leaving her, She only likes going if the driver of the mini bus picks her up as she has got a soft spot for him. Its such hard going working out what will work and what wont. Its so wearing,
Good luck x
Sally, great that you got her there, and she seems to accept it - but yes, it's wearing. Think of them as 'elder toddlers' who have to be cajoled and coerced......

And, like toddlers, they so often do more willingly for 'other people' than their own parents (er, that's you now, alas!). 'Other people' can be very patient and indulgent of them - because at the end of the day they wave goodbye and go home to their own 'normal' lives.

Also like toddlers, I think 'elder toddlers' like the routine and familiarity of what they are used to, so getting them used to 'something new' , like day care, is tricky ...UNTIL they get used to it, and then it becomes part of their routines and expectations.

Good luck with it all - and hope you get some 'you time' when your mum is at the day care. Please treat that time as you would when a baby falls asleep - it is NOT for 'housework catchup' (!!!!) - it is for YOU, to remember your own life, and do things you WANT to do (which should not be housework!!!!).
Hi Meryl
You are entitled to have a new carer's assessment whenever you feel things have changed such as your mother's increasing dependence on you.
They will then open up a new file. If anyone says different to you, then I would ask to speak to the manager as soon as possible, if they haven't got back to you within 24 hours, I would phone again. (and again, if necessary)
You can have this assessment away from your mother, so you can speak freely.
My mother also has savings and I have seen the social worker about every 6 months as my needs have increased and I have needed advice on how to cope.
Do you or another family member have power of attorney?
My brother has power of attorney and my brother said to my mother that in order for me to look after our mother, a care agency needs to be coming in to give me a break. We told my mother that the attendance allowance from the government would be used to pay for the care and not her savings.
She was able to accept this.

Hope you get the help and support you need soon.

some very use-ful tips thank you
i have same problem with father in law he very stubborn very hard to get break he dont speak to daughter and no 2 son and wont allow my partner his oldest son help him with anything i am at beck and call if for any reason i not there and he wants something he get in a right mood
if plan days out sometimes he come with us but a lot of the time he wont and he will say he feels sick
there is other family but they shown they cant be trusted
Angela, you DON'T have to be "at his beck and call all the time". The only power he has over you is the power you let him have. Avoid saying "No" outright, but learn some delaying tactics...."in a minute"..."I'm doing xxxx, will come when I've finished...etc. etc. Start gradually, but it really can work. After all, what can he do if you don't comply? Leave?!