Mum not wanting treatment

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Hi. I'm a newbie to the forum and need some advice. My mum is 68 and since moving with my dad to North Wales 9 years ago they haven't had a GP. Mum has become quite unwell over the last few weeks and has no appetite or desire to go out of the house and refuses to see a doctor. When I visited at the weekend I felt she needed to see a doctor and called out the out of hours GP for the area. Mum was very upset by this and despite the fact that she agreed to see him she has refused blood tests or to register with a doctor. My dad is doing everything in terms of caring for mum including toileting duties and encouraging her to eat and drink (which is very little). The visiting GP says she has capacity and unfortunately we have to go along with her wishes but she will deteriorate further inevitably. Does anyone have any understanding of a situation like this and can share some advice or into. I would be very grateful.
Trish, how awful. Have you spoken to mum on her own and asked why she is taking this stance? Is she disabled, or mentally ill?
Hello, yes I've spoken to her and explained that she's very poorly and possibly dying (the worst thing I've ever had to do). She's neither disabled nor mentally ill but my grandma (her mother) had leukaemia until she passed away at 90 and mum said she never wanted to go through that - she's very fearful of hospitals and doctors. She said she doesn't want to know anything!
But it could be something minor and treatable!! How dare she put Dad and you through this.

Perhaps if you put the above to her she may see it though different eyes
Good luck
Thank you.
Hmm, tricky. I can understand not wanting to know if you've got something deadly that is 'incurable', but of course, as pointed out, she might have something easily curable! Does she think she has leukemia like her mother?? If so, does she understand how much more treatable leukemia is another generation later? From what (v. little) I understand isn't 'old-age leukemia' something that you die WITH, rather than OF? And if your grandmother lived to 90 it obviously didn't kill her prematurely!!

I'm wondering whether your mother would give permission to her GP for them to tell YOU what they (think) is wrong with her?

It's definitely a difficult situation ,because of course even if the GP told you 'it's trivial and we can fix it' if he DOESN'T say that, then your mum would know it WAS serious. ANd that's what she doesnt' want to know....

I do think it's a valid point that BB makes, that actually it's unfair of your mother to impose her illness, which might be completely curable, on your dad re all the care he has to do which might be completely unnecessary!
Sorry, a few more questions which might help us to understand a bit more about this situation. I'm wondering if the root of the problem is physical, or mental?
(I'm 65, so only just a bit younger than mum. I have had some VERY serious health issues, but after surgery I'm fine again, and go to the Med twice a year on holiday). It's a real shame that she isn't living life to the full. Grandma might have had leukaemia when she died at 90, but everyone of that age is likely to die some time soon. Age would have been a major factor!

Why does mum need help going to the toilet?
What does dad say about the situation?
Has mum convinced herself she is very seriously ill?
Did this all start when they moved, or did they move because mum wasn't happy?
I would agree that it does seem that there is 'more going on here'. Your mum's behaviour has 'come from somewhere' after all, and it does seem an extreme reaction. Which itself might well indicate 'ongoing causes' for years etc,

For example, has she had a history of depression, anxiety etc etc? How 'happy' is she 'normally'? Do you have any reason to wonder whether, sadly, dementia is starting to set in (is it revealing that the GP said she had 'capacity' - was this raised by him, or you? Do you think he suspects dementia of some kind?)

I think the key thing is to put this current situation 'in context'. It didn't just 'come out of nowhere' so by exploring the bigger picture, you might get a handle on how best to tackle what is happening now.