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Feeling low in mood - Carers UK Forum

Feeling low in mood

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Not sure where to start here never ever been on any kind of forum before asking for advice but caring does that to you I guess.

In brief I am currently in my 50’s living with my mother after caring for her unofficially since 2019 & officially i.e., claiming CA from 2020. Mum went into hospital in February of this year, then went in to care home for 7 weeks after discharge then finally came home in July 2022. To be honest as awful as it may sound, I was glad she went into hospital as it finally gave me a break. I was neglecting my own health & physical well-being, constantly on edge, tired, forgetful did not have the energy or motivation to do anything. The physical aspect of caring for my mother was not so much the issue it was her attitude that really affected me. Mum has always been incredibly negative you say anything positive about anything she will find a way to respond negatively. She is very manipulative using tears to shut down any discussion and tears to get your sympathy. I was starting to ‘heal’ when my mum was away but then the repeated phone calls if I did not answer the phone. It got to the stage where I dreaded her phone calls, she rang me seven times in half an hour, with each VM starting with her crying increasing as the messages went on begging me to ring her. After a disagreement on the phone, I ended up not answering her calls for a week and it was the most peaceful time I had. She rang my brother to complain about me, but he agreed with me which stumped her.

My mum currently has two carers four times a day. Bu the timings are inconsistent I am filling in the gaps in between. As they come at 11am for lunch my mum wants it later at one time they came at 2.30pm for a tea call and at 6.30pm to put her to bed. Apart from that it is not good for her mental well-being does not have much social interaction, does not want to go anywhere. I suspect she is depressed but I am at a loss what to suggest.

I am not properly ‘healed’ & I am starting to feel like I did prior to her going into hospital & I know I will not be whilst living with her but currently do not have the funds to go elsewhere. I always feel guilty where my mother is concerned. I was hoping to stay to sort the house out before she sells it as she could not do it on her own. I know that she is going to leave the house to me eventually, I just feel stuck. I know it could be worse compared to some of the posts on here. Am I being unreasonable. I am rambling do not know if any of this makes sense.
Help is easy to obtain perhaps ask for a care needs assessment.
I am so sorry to read about your situation. Do you think it might be time to think about her moving into residential or nursing care? And then you could just visit, and most of the actual work of caring would be done by the staff. I know it's a huge decision, but it really sounds like you need to think about it for the sake of your own health.
A_2208 wrote:
Sun Aug 14, 2022 2:21 pm
Not sure where to start here never ever been on any kind of forum before asking for advice but caring does that to you I guess.

In brief I am currently in my 50’s living with my mother after caring for her unofficially since 2019 & officially i.e., claiming CA from 2020. Mum went into hospital in February of this year, then went in to care home for 7 weeks after discharge then finally came home in July 2022. To be honest as awful as it may sound, I was glad she went into hospital as it finally gave me a break. I was neglecting my own health & physical well-being, constantly on edge, tired, forgetful did not have the energy or motivation to do anything. The physical aspect of caring for my mother was not so much the issue it was her attitude that really affected me. Mum has always been incredibly negative you say anything positive about anything she will find a way to respond negatively. She is very manipulative using tears to shut down any discussion and tears to get your sympathy. I was starting to ‘heal’ when my mum was away but then the repeated phone calls if I did not answer the phone. It got to the stage where I dreaded her phone calls, she rang me seven times in half an hour, with each VM starting with her crying increasing as the messages went on begging me to ring her. After a disagreement on the phone, I ended up not answering her calls for a week and it was the most peaceful time I had. She rang my brother to complain about me, but he agreed with me which stumped her.

My mum currently has two carers four times a day. Bu the timings are inconsistent I am filling in the gaps in between. As they come at 11am for lunch my mum wants it later at one time they came at 2.30pm for a tea call and at 6.30pm to put her to bed. Apart from that it is not good for her mental well-being does not have much social interaction, does not want to go anywhere. I suspect she is depressed but I am at a loss what to suggest.

I am not properly ‘healed’ & I am starting to feel like I did prior to her going into hospital & I know I will not be whilst living with her but currently do not have the funds to go elsewhere. I always feel guilty where my mother is concerned. I was hoping to stay to sort the house out before she sells it as she could not do it on her own. I know that she is going to leave the house to me eventually, I just feel stuck. I know it could be worse compared to some of the posts on here. Am I being unreasonable. I am rambling do not know if any of this makes sense.
Hi A

It's good that you have posted.
No, you are not rambling, are being completely reasonable and make total sense.
Sounds like you have hit the wall as we all have or will.
Most carers have similar thoughts, guilt, anger, resentment. Don't be hard on yourself, it's destructive.
If you think therapy would be helpful, ask the gp for a referral. Try not to take meds, they don't work for everyone and coming off them is nightmare.
Keep posting, there are some good people on this site that will understand and offer you advice and maybe some alternatives. Most importantly, be good to yourself.

All the best
John
Before discharge, were you views asked for, did anyone enquire about your ability to care?
Sounds you are between a rock and a hard place.

Excuse my mirth but I had a wry smile when your brother stood up for you and perhaps called her bluff.

Have you had a care needs assessment and a carers needs assessment done?
If not then call soc svs and do it.
If you have then call them and say you need a review.

Timeliness of care calls - I had similar problems to begin with for my mothers care.
We specifically requested key times for breakfast and lunch due to her diabetes, but the result was similar to yours. I had some stern calls and emails with them to sort it out including involving the CQC.

Be your own best friend and stick up for your mother and in turn yourself by being strong and telling them it is not good enough.

The care company situation must be frustrating and if that can be sorted out it will be a great boon for you. Threaten not to pay them for the calls.
The negativity must be sucking the life out of you, that's not good.

It's easy for me to say but don't allow the negativity to get to you.
It is a matter of resilience and (rebellion?)
Resist the negativity - it's her negativity not yours.
Rebellion - you can't break me
Resilience - you won't break me
Boundaries - this is me, this is my nature/outlook and you are welcome to your own but you respect mine or leave well alone.

Be your own best friend and cheerleader, decide on having your favourite tea on x-day because you are worth it! If you can arrange a coffee or lunch with friends do it - have things to look forward to.

This sounds lame but trust me, think of nice things that make you smile then smile.
Be kind to yourself, little random acts of kindness to you like cut a few flowers from the garden for a vase or jam jar, do your fave lunch, put your favourite outfit on, watch your tv guilty pleasure, give yourself an early night - whatever works.

Have a dance session with the radio or playlist cranked up and dance like your life depends on it. Get the feelgood endorphins flowing. Don't tell me I am being ridiculous until you have tried it several times.
You do not need to accept her gift of negativity, that negativity is hers not yours, don't take it.


A Zen story I was told some time ago.

A Zen master was in a field with his students when an angry man came up to him being really angry.

Zen master turned to his students and asked "If someone has a gift for you and you do not take take it, who does it belong to?"

The students thought a while.

Student "Master, it belongs to the person giving it"

The Zen Master turned to the angry man and said "Sir, I choose not to accept your gift of anger"
Hello A

Hello

Welcome to our forum, it sounds like a really difficult situation for you, I just wanted to highlight some other ways you could connect with carers. We are currently running a series of online weekly meet ups for carers to get together and chat informally. People say they've found it really helpful and supportive and it's nice to be able to take a little bit of time for yourself. There's no pressure to share any more than you're comfortable with. Join up details are here:
https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... ne-meetups

We are also now running a weekly Share and Learn sessions, where we run a series of fun and relaxed online sessions where visiting speakers who share tips and skills on a range of topics - please have a look at the link and see if one grabs your attention.
https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... e-sessions

Do join if you'd like to, we've had a lot of new carers join the sessions recently and it's a great way to meet other carers.

There is also Carers UK's helpline should you need advice or support - Our Telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email advice@carersuk.org

with best wishes

Ingrid