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Carers UK Forum • More Health Problems For My Husband
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More Health Problems For My Husband

Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2018 10:27 am
by Finen_1804
Hello everyone.

I don't really know who to talk to.

My husband was found to have 's' shaped scoliosis and a disc protrusion in his back a few years ago and the pain is getting worse. He was also born with fingers and toes missing, a shorter right leg and smaller right foot.
He has now being told he has to have a hearing aid in both ears as he is losing his hearing. He is also having neurological tests as he has never had any feeling in his right leg or foot and is beginning to lose the feelings in both hands.
He is 43 and i am 42.
He is also beginning to lose his memory and i have been told by my gp to get in to see him next week.

I feel really selfish and guilty but i am so tired aswell as looking after our 3 children, they are aged 19, 15 and 11 and doing housework,shopping.
My husband used to swear a little bit but now his language is worse and he's so angry and frustrated all the time.
What can i do?

Re: More Health Problems For My Husband

Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2018 12:10 pm
by Linda_18041
Hello Finen, I do know how you are feeling, my husband is Ill as well. First I would wait to see the gp, see what they say. Temper, swearing is horrible but with my husband it was just sheer frustration at not being physically able to do the things he used to anymore and also guilt at leaving me to do everything while he has had to increasingly sit and watch. It will go without saying that you can't possibly be doing anything right!!

I have had to find things to to take my feelings out on and yes I do get cross with him then feel oh so guilty after. Do you burn logs? Nothing like whacking your way through a pile for venting, beats going to the gym as well. Interesting to know what others do .

Please wait to see gp though as its always the not knowing that is the worst. Probably not much help but you are not alone here.

Re: More Health Problems For My Husband

Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2018 5:58 pm
by helena_1512
Is there any way you could get any counselling? I feel you need a safe place to offload. You are very young to have to deal with an ill husband plus your children and your home.

Are you getting Carers Benefit? It is not a lot but it does at least give you some money of your own.

I can understand your husband being frustrated and sadly it seems quite common for this frusratation to be taken out on the nearest person but it is not acceptable. Would he consider joining a Support Group? I have a Befriender from my local Carers Group who phones me every other week and that helps although lately husband is always on the sofa and he tends to listen.
I am dealing with a much older very difficult husband with co-morbidities so I do understand. Just post here and you will get support.

I realise that you are very busy but is there any way you could get out for a few hours a week? Not too sure about chopping logs but how about pilates? For me it is running a Book Club but husband has to come too and the Pub Quiz although he is so deaf he cannot hear the questions easily. All I can say is try to take care of YOU and I do realise how hard it is when there are so many demands on your time.

Re: More Health Problems For My Husband

Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2018 8:24 pm
by jenny lucas
Finen, that's a very difficult situation to cope with, but one thing I would say straight off is that ALL your children are well old enough to start being able to help you. At 19 and 15 your older two should be doing their own share of housework and whatever they need for themselves - eg, their own laundry, seeing to their own rooms and so on, and quite frankly, their share of the household chores. (I'm assuming they both live at home??)

And your youngest, too, is perfectly capable of pitching in as well, at the very least to keep their own room tidy, and to have some assigned 'chores' that are theirs and theirs alone.

Don't feel bad about expecting them to pitch in. The worst we can do for our children is bring them up to behave as if they are living in an all-included hotel! I know, alas, that sometimes when one of the parents has special needs, we can try and 'compensate' for the adverse impact that inevitably has on the family by 'indulging' our children. But this is not wise.

Illness, adversity and general 'bad stuff' happens to ALL of us in life, and learning how to cope with it, and taking it as 'natural' rather than 'IT'S NOT FAIR NONE OF MY FRIENDS HAVE A DAD THAT'S ILL!' (etc) is NOT going to make your children mature, wise and well-balanced adults.

So, what do your children do be part of the solution, instead of part of the 'burden' upon you? (I hope my urging is unnecessary, as it's already well in place!)