Moms moving in....good move??

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Ok so another change to my thoughts for helping mom, I have to have her with me, I'm afraid she will hurt herself,I worry at night, I feel she is becoming isolated , I'm going to crash my car dashing to her aid.
Will I have to ask permission from council housing dept?
Can I get financial help with moving mom to my home?
If I bid for a two bedroom property because moms coming, will I have to move when I'm no longer caring for her?

Sorry to fire questions but I've never had opportunity to ask for any help or advice, I'm so grateful the job center told me about your organization
Hope I've done ok, and I will be searching topics for "how to get mom in bed!!!" I don't, manage at all well are there any tricks out there, my friends? ?
Thank you vetty(yvette)
Yvette, please read through some of the recent threads about having mum move in with you. If mum is as frail as your post suggests, then moving in with you isn't a sustainable option. You may end up hating her I'm afraid. Instead, investigate, with the help of Social Services, residential care and sheltered housing. When my mum needed 24/7 care, I was already caring for a son with learning difficulties, so she couldn't move in with me, but went to a nursing home just down the road. During her last year, we renewed our mother/daughter relationship. For years previously, I'd just been the Girl Friday who did anything and everything the carers couldn't/wouldn't. Where is mum currently living, her own, or rented property?
Yvette, please don't make a 'gut' decision!! It can be such an overriding impulse to 'take in' an elderly parent who can no longer cope on their own, but those impulses really need to be weighed and measured and thought through.

The bottom line of looking after a very elderly, frail (often mentally as well as physically) frail parent is that what we can do for a SHORT time, is NOT what we can sustain year after year. As you will see from other threads here, what someone takes on 'impulsively' or 'instinctively' can really, really turn back to bite them. One member here started looking after her mum at 91 (the mum not the forum member!) and yet the mum is STILL GOING STRONG nearly TEN years later....

What I'm saying is please don't automatically discount care homes. If you find a good one (and you'll probably know it when you walk it!), they really can be 'havens' to live in. They are also, and this is realky important, very skilled at getting the elderly to do what they need to do. You say you're trying to find ways of 'getting mum to bed' ....well, there's another thread here on the forum about a member with a live-in mum tackling that exact problem, and it's proving extremely stressful (and sleepless!) for her. But in a care home, the staff are skilled at persuading residents that 'it's time for bed' (or anything else), and because there is routine, and order, and, perhaps, above all, because the person trying to get the resident to do something they don't want to do is not their 'snippety daughter' ('don't give me orders my girl!'), they are far more amenable.

Another thing I would say, and this might not be for everyone, but it worked for me and my MIL for a while (before she got too deep into dementia) was for her to come back routinely to me for 'sleepovers'. So, for example, it might be perfectly doable for you to have your mum for, say, weekends. She'd get time with you, time 'back at home' but then in the weekdays you would have her safely in her residential home, and you could get on with your life etc.

Why not try your mum out in a respite care place for a while, just to see how it goes?
Hi Yvette
A lot of these questions can really only be answered with a chat to your Housing Officer. They also depend on yours and your mother's financial savings if any and what funding your mother may or may not be entitled to from the Local Authority. Has she had a Needs Assessment in her own home area? This might be a good place to start if there is any prospect of her being eligible for some care visits paid for by the LA Soc Services.
You might get some more detailed financial advice if you email the Carers Uk enquiry service and give them as many details as you know which may come into play. They are extremely experienced in benefit type queries and housing issues..
What kind of help is your mother going to need and will you be able to provide it? There are so many things to think about.
There are many web sites offering advice on manual handling for lifting and transferring your mum but the most important thing to do is to get a professional assessment from the OT (Occ Therapist) who will advise on equipment they can provide free of charge to reduce any strain on your back during the manual handling. Unless your mum is unfortunate enough to have a fall, you will probably need a GP referral to see the OT.
Hi Yvette
If I could give one piece of advice to anyone not sure about having an elderly relative come live with them it would be don't do it. I appreciate some people have no doubts and find it a worthwhile rewarding thing to do but others will find it a depressing, discouraging, never ending chore.
The worry will be removed if your mum is in a care home, bed times will be dealt with by someone else and you can return to being the daughter and enjoy your visits with her.
My mum, who has vascular dementia, is back home with me after 5 months in a care home. There is no chance of her being anywhere but with me, unless her health takes a nose-dive, for the rest of her life and after only ten days I wish she could have stayed where she was. While she was in the home visits were pleasant affairs and much easier on all of us. So, think it through from the good and bad sides, maybe stay over a weekend with your mum, see how you feel when you return home, tread carefully and do what feels right for you, as you are one who is changing everything.
I wish you good luck.
My 2nd post a follow up to March when I thought of mom living with me. Moved in April (oh my God has it Only been a month)
How stupid,nieave,blinkered looking back, now I'm treading water everyday, I'm achieving nothing, oubt if I'm helping mom either, she has Lewy Dementia and the hallucinations that have recently started are frightening me to death....I don't leave her alone now, I've had two fires and a flood in kitchen so all meals are now prep by me,moms untidy like she's never been before, can't even put underwear on or t-shirt can't work out where arms fit
Doesn't recognize everyday objects anymore e.g fridge?
Some days I can't open curtains she sees people outside looking one's there of course. She won't eat sometimes as there looking at her, won't sit in lounge with me "there's no room as I've got people on all seats " no one's there of course won't go to toilet so soils herself because they are in there to, not going to bed their in there to, the hallucinations are controlling her everyday life now...what can I do
How she talks to e I don't recognize her voice some days it's evil accusations all the time and threats to call the police, I'm scared if social find out they may not let her stay with me,
She always wants to go home?? Thinks there are two of me and I'm the wrong one she wants the other Yvette so phones me while it rings in my bag????what am I supposed to do answer and pretend I'm on my way
Gets undressed all the time?
Can't focus on tv anymore, can't even find the door to get from one room to another,
Will it get I coping...I don't eat or sleep much I'm exhausted most days, I'm feeling guilty mom doesn't laugh or enjoy anything I do for her...I'm confused and useless well tomorrow's another day....again
Oh, Yvette, I'm so sorry to read your post! How dreadful the situation is.

I know that saying 'Oh, dear, I did warn you' not in the slightest helpful, but there it is. The trouble is, when we see someone we love having difficulty, we automatically want to 'take them in and look after them', and I can understand why, despite our warnings, you went ahead. It's a gut instinct and very powerful. The heart rules the head.

Also, it's almost impossible to 'believe' that the person you love will deterioriate into the sad and scary 'someone else' that dementia turns them into. I still find it hard when I visit my MIL in her dementia home to realise she's the same person as the extremely strong-minded, amazingly independent, totally capable and self-reliant woman that I've known for thirty odd years!

Anyway, the situation for you is as it is. But of course it can't stay that way. Others will be along soon to guide you along the path which, alas, you will need to take now, both for your sake and your mum's.

Maybe a visit to her/your GP next week is the first thing to do, to say that her dementia is now so severe she is a danger to herself and others (mention the floods and fire!), and is extremely delusional in terms of thinking there are two of you, that invisible others are there, and that she is now soiling herself, etc etc etc. Just print out your post above and hand it to the GP! (Better still, get them to visit at home, if they still do that at all!)

Whether it's the GP who can get things rolling, or the social services, what has to happen now is that your mum needs to be moved into a specialist care home for those with advanced dementia. This is for her own safety and well being - and yours.

If you phone up social services at your local council they should send you a booklet of care homes, or find the list online, and start visiting. If your mum is self-funding (I don't think she is, is she? If she has savings and so on over £23k then she has to pay for her own care until she goes under that amount, when the council take over the fees) then you can pretty much choose any home you like that has a vacancy. If the council are going to be paying for her, then they may have a list of homes they'll pay for, and anything else your mum has to pay the 'extra top up' for.

Then start to phone them up, check if they cope with advanced dementia, and have a vacancy, and start to visit them. (You sound as if you'll need to get a carer in to look after your mum while you're out visiting!)(do you get ANY carer visits at all at the moment??)

Not all dementia homes are the same. For example, my MIL was in one that was 'secure' so they couldn't wander off, and the doors had code punches on them, and so did the lifts. But the one she's in is not 'secure' so physically they could wander outside. That difference may be crucial, depending on how the dementia is affecting your mum.

I do wish you al the best that is possible now, at this very sad time of your mum's life.

I guess one other question to ask the GP, sad though it is, is simply this - How long do you think my mum will live now?

IF (and ONLY if) the GP says something like , 'I don't think she'll last till Christmas' (or less), then you could consider whether with extra carers coming in, she might, (might!) just be able to stay with you till the end.

BUT, it does sound like she doesn't really know where she is anyway, so moving to a care home won't make a great deal of difference, sadly, to her mental state. But having her in a care home, well looked after, will make an immense difference to you.

Kind regards, at a sad sad time - Jenny
Yvette - just to add...

One good thing about having taken in your mum is this - it's shown to you vividly how far, far beyond living with you her dementia has made her. Every day is proof of that.

Second, it shows you that you did TRY and look after her yourself. You've given it your best shot, and you can always be proud of that.

Please, make that GP appointment for next week, and Social Services and everything else that needs to happen now, to get your mum to a place of safety for her, in a specialist care home.
You absolutely cannot carry on like this. If nothing else you can't guarantee your or her safety. You need to get onto social services and tell them you can no longer care for your mum and the doctor to get her reassessed as a matter of urgency.
Please don't feel scared that 'if social services find out she may not be able to stay'; you have given it a go but your mum needs 24/7 professional care and she she needs it now.
You say you are treading water but if this carries on you will sink and who will look out for your mum then? There is nothing wrong with admitting you can't cope; your mum's condition has moved way past what a relative without medical training should have to deal with on a daily basis.
Unfortunately you may have to refuse to continue caring for your mum to get her the help she needs but hopefully you will be able to get your and her needs attended to without that.
I wish you all the best as you deal with this difficult time. I hope you can find a suitable home for mum nearby because that is what she needs now. Sometimes our best isn't enough however much we want it to be. It doesn't mean we don't care, it just means we have to take a step back and become a hands-off daughter, let someone else take over the caring and do the visiting, phoning or whatever else your mum can still deal with.