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loving husband or manipulate b*****d - Carers UK Forum

loving husband or manipulate b*****d

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Im still undecided as to whether or not i want to be a part of caring for my husband when he comes home. I can see him getting physically better after his stroke so he could possibly cope being left alone while I'm at work etc.

What worries me at the moment is how he seems to be very controlling and manipulative. He used to be in a huge high pressured job where he was in command. Now that his world has shrunk all his control is focused on me. One nurse has even warned me that he's playing with my emotions. As an example: i was unwell yesterday and so only went to the later visiting session - he told me that id left him there to die, that i didn't love him and might as well go. I told him that id not been feeling well but he either didn't care or didn't believe me. He has some days refused to eat until i visit, that only stopped when i told the hospital that they needed to deal with it and to stop calling me in all the time, and stopped asking him about eating. He seems to swing between being so very loving to being very critical, demanding and hurtful. Its an impossible situation, i know Stroke changes personality but this feels abusive and i wont live like that! I'd like it to stop but how do I challenge him on his behaviour? He tells me that i am his only reason for living - no pressure there then!
Hi Karen, its good to see you posting again.
Unfortunately, depression and manipulative/controlling behaviour is pretty common after a head injury/stroke. It comes as a massive shock and they become like frightened children, trying to make sense of everything and come to terms with their malfunctioning minds/bodies. It is still very early days.
Hubby became very depressed and pretty controlling - in a subtle sort of way - and I found it hard as I had burnt out, but you seem to have the right sort of attitude. He is not so controlling now and has become much more settled - although there are always problems due to his disabilities. I just have to find ways round them.
He will need to find something that he can control that isnt you. Hubby was helped by having an allotment so that he grew food for the table (although he is no longer able to do this), but there are lots of other things.
Lots of people have recommended "The Selfish Pigs Guide to Caring" although I have not read it myself.
My Mum was very scared after her first stroke and didn't want me to leave her side at all, which many people saw as her way of controlling me. Be patient with hubby and yourself, somehow, you learn to cope and be strong and find a way through.

Sending you hugs, it's not an easy path to follow x
Hi Karen
My partner had a massive stroke LH side & brain surgery 13th March 2012, so know what you re going through, but lucky for me his
personality stayed the same, the only thing he his so needy & just wants to be with me all the time so understand the pressure you feel,I have to be with him all the time I m not at work, just would love some me time, I think maybe that would be easier if he was horrid to me! Hope things get better for you xxx

I am new too but can relate to what you are saying. My husband is 74 but was very high powered MD of a PLC and since he retired, he too has been very controlling. He has had a subdural haematoma and although he seems physically ok, I am not sure he is mentally ok - very confused still but in denial I think and says I am imagining it. Even before he went into hospital, I was having problems getting him to eat properly and take his pills. He too is very manipulative. I do understand he probably realises something isn't quite right and is frightened. But I am terrified of being a prisoner when he comes out - constantly watching him.
Good luck - you can only do your best.
I don't know what help you are entitled too but I get a feeling you and I may have to fight for it!!!! I don't work but gave up my vol work partially because I came back home to find he had left the ring on - he regularly slept through timers when he put food in the oven, but I could just about cope with that!
I understand how difficult it must be for both your husbands, but use this to your advantage, especially as you a probably financially better off than many people surviving on benefits. First, make sure you have every possible labour saving aid, dishwasher, washer/dryer, to reduce your workload as much as you can. Then try and get someone to "help you in the house" to do cleaning etc. as you are exhausted, and then ask this person to also act as your assistant carer, and someone else your husband can call on for help. Doing it this way will probably be more acceptable than telling him he needs some outside help. Also, don't forget to sort out power of attorney if you haven't done so already, just in case their mental capacity declines further later.