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Lost and feeling very much alone - Carers UK Forum

Lost and feeling very much alone

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Good evening, My name is Simon, im 38 and I have been caring for my wife for the past 15 years.
My wife suffers from Severe Depression, Anxiety, Aggoraphobia and OCD, ive always been able to manage to an extent although have had to take the odd day off when things were bad, however recently things took a big turn for the worse and I was forced to give up a job that I loved in order to be at home and care for my wife full time.
I can totally understand why my wife is suffering the way she is owing to the way her mother treated her throughout her life and also in our time together we have had more than our fair share of misfortune too.
One thing we always wanted to make us complete was a child of our own, however 6 miscarriages took its toll and my wifes depressioin slipped even further, despite everything we are still together and we now have just recently had a baby girl, however the pregnancy wasnt straight forward, static growth issues and the birth resulted in an emergency C section, shortly after the birth my wife ended up back in hospital as her C section scar fell open and then on top of that we had to move house into a bigger place, All of this has took its toll and my poor wife is in a terrible state and currently being visited daily by the local crisis team. So thats me in a nutshell, now out of work and caring full time for my wife, worried to death about what benefits I will be getting and if we will manage financially, but I really dont have any choice but to be at home with my wife for the foreseeable future. My local Job Centre branded me as a Benefit layabout even though ive worked all my life and only ever been out of work for 3 days between jobs in the past, I feel like ive lost my identity and my pride to a certain extent, non of which is my wifes fault and I dont blame her in the slightest.

sorry for the long post.
Welcome Simon,

You`ve certainly got a lot to cope with, it seems , sometimes as if things will never get better.
you sound like your a very strong person and I`m sure you will get through this.

Mental health problems as they put it are so difficult to deal with, as anyone who has had the expierience knows, at least here you can talk to like people.

Keep in touch.

Hi Simon and a warm welcome from me. You'll find plenty of support and advice here on forum.

Hi Simon,

Welcome to CUK. Please try not to let the state make you feel like a "scrounger" I know it's hard when you open up the newspaper every morning and see it there in black and white as you tuck in to breakfast (if you are lucky), like you admitted, none of your wife's illness is her fault and thus, none of your caring role can be your fault, either.

You might want to get in touch with your local carer's association, too, they can help you to make sure you both have everything you need, ensure you are getting everything you are entitled to, give you days out and help you to plan an Emergency Care Plan just in case you are admitted to hospital for any reason.
Thank you all

Audrey our little girl is now 8 weeks one day old so sleep is very much deprived at the moment as Charlotte keeps us busy, she was a tiny baby at 5lb3oz and is now only 7lb3oz.
The joy of the new baby is out of this world and we are both very glad to have her.
Right now my focus is on getting things sorted out financially, ive had some sort of payment hit my acount but havent a clue what its for as ive had no mail from anyone yet so darent touch it.

Collette (my wife) and I went to the local hospital today to see a psychiatrist who has altered her meds some what so we will see if things improve from its current state but only time will tell, we were however able towalk up rather than take the car as would have been the norm, Collette was very anxious ad nervous by the time we got there but she did really well and is pushing herself which is nice to see as she is making the effort but to use her words "she wants to be normal"

We will see how things go.

I love my wife very dearly, she is my bst freind, my soul mate aswell as my lover, we have been together for 15 years now and it breaks my heart to see her suffering the way she is.
Im not the sort of person that holds grudges but I really hate her mother for the damage she hs done, her mother of course would deny any knowledge when confronted, I had hoped that after Collettes mum passed away that things would improve and indeed tnings did seem to, but lately its all come crashing down again.
Simon, frst of all, congratulations on the new baby. My daughter had a baby by c-section last year and she ended up going back in when an infection caused the wound to open,but it soon got better.
Don't let anyone treat you as though youa re a Scrounger, you have worked, as well as being a Carer.Hold your head up,and tell them you do what you do out of love,and you are only asking for benefit to help you get through the days. (It is not your wife's choice to have the health problems she has).
Don't waste your energy hating your late mother-in-law.She is not worth it. Your wife has you now,and a much better life.
My mother-in-law is a very unkind woman(to put it politely),who caused my husband years of distress, and still would if she was given the chance, but neither of us allow her to disrupt our thoughts any more.
I hope that your finances are sorted out soon, so that you and your wife can start to settle down and enjoy your new family life. x
Hello Simon, and welcome to the Forum. It must be a very bittersweet time for you at the moment. Congratulations on the new baby - it's hard work with a little one to look after!
As I read your post, my heart went out to both of you. It's terrible what one human being can do to another. Try to explain to your wife that her mother can now only affect her if SHE chooses to let her. Hard to do, I know.
I can only imagine how much you miss your work and everything else involved in it. Forgive me for asking, but does your wife get DLA? Plus ask for a Carer's Assessment.
You are far from being a 'scrounger' - you are saving the government loads of money by caring for your wife full time!
The very best of luck to both of you and keep looking in and if you have any other questions about benefits, etc, you could phone the CUK helpline.
Bless thank you for the kind words.

Our daughter is brilliant (in spite on 3 feeds a nite lol) we have fixed ieas of how we will NOT be doing things owing to the way my wife was brought up and indeed the way I was brought up (we both led VERY similar childhoods but thankfully I came out of it relatively unscathed) right now we are just enjoying being new parents and getting to know this cute little bundle of fun thats taken over our lives and destroyed my bank balance lol

Unfortunately the MiL has left my wife with many demons to deal with and they do have to be addressed and dealt with through the right channels, we are currently going through the process of getting her meds overhauled in order that she can function properly before the psychiatric help starts.
In the meantime im waiting or the benefits to be sorted out, ive had some money through but not a clue what its for as ive had no mail telling me whats what so at the moment I darent touch that money.
Im sure it will sort itself out in due course but for now things are a little worrying.

I was reading your post and it sounded like it was written by me, it is exactly how my life has been for the past 8 years. Please feel free to email me directly if you want to talk, it helps alot as I have found and used to bottle it all up.


Just wanted to say a big Thank you to you all for your support its been very comforting to me.

To update the situation, things have gone horribly wrong, my wifes new meds actually made her worse and she has had to stop taking some of them, we are going back to the hospital tomorrow to get things sorted out.

The health visitor came to see our daughter today and a visit to the GP resulted as my daughter has mild oral thrush, whilst its not something that we would have picked up on being new parents (we thought the white on the tongue was milk) my wife has taken it very badly and is blaming herself for not spotting it as "she should have known" despite me trying to reassure her.

Im still trying to get the decorating done as our new home is in a real mess so its an ongoing project but I need to get it done as I dont want people gettnig the wrong impression of us, plus for my wife to be a nice tidy home will make her feel a little better. Im worried to death about money as things seem to be very slow in being processed and im running out of cash fast despite being as carefull as possible.

Im exhausted right now and really not doing too well at the moment but things can only improve I guess.