Looking for single male carers in same boat for friendship

[Diane_1703123456]

Hi, I posted on carers uk last week for the first time as I'd just registered. I'm 37 female full time carer to disabled severely autistic daughter, not toilet trained and can't talk, (my daughter ... not me.. ha ha) I have other children too bring up also, I wondered if there was any single males out there in similar circumstances,.... lonely and wanting an adult relationship but unable to go out or socialise or date or go anywhere without caring responsibilities and taking the person you care for with them everywhere all of the time. I admit this seems an impossible way to have some sort of relationship with any man however after a few years of being alone following my divorce I just hoped somewhere out there .... ( I feel a song coming on... with a blooming violin please ) someone may want to add their baggage carnage guilt stress and difficulties to mine so we can be stressed and tired and "not cope" together, I don't get chance to log on daily and I've just had the weekend of soiling from hell, but we all have to cope as carers the best we can, I may copy and paste this message to different topics as I'm not sure who reads what and when. Anyway bye for now every one. Diane x

[Phill_1704]

Hi Diane, my name's Phill and I just joined 'carersuk' today. I'm a full-time carer to my mum who has dementia and is dependent on me. I think I have some idea of how you feel, it's simply impossible to have a social life and I often feel completely isolated and trapped in this tiny bubble. Do you use social media? I use Twitter and have been able to make contact with a few people on there that are in a similar position to me, and it's so helpful to have them to call on.....You can never have too many friends right?
Look forward to hearing from you.
Regards, Phill
PS. I'm not a hero....sorry.

[susieq]

Hello Diane and welcome to the forum

Good Luck in your search Although I don't think you will find a 'soulmate' here - as our members are drawn from all over the United Kingdom it's quite likely that there if there is someone out there who fits the bill he'll be 500 or more miles away ! What you will find is cyber friendship, advice and support which we can provide by the bucketful It used to said "that you're never alone with a Strand" (an old brand of cigarettes) but these days I think that should be amended to "you're never alone with a computer" !!

We would prefer you not to make duplicate posts as they tend to 'clutter' the forum and it gets confusing for other members knowing which to reply too Posting here in the New Members section will get you 'seen' by the majority as it's at the top of the boards and frequently visited.

[stuart_1509]

hi diane i thought i was the only one who cares for son or daughter,they all seem to care for partners or parents lol i care for my son 24\7 hes severly disabled and i understand the toilet change thing too well,some days would be nice to not have poop on my hands,he has no speech too so i find myself asking the question and then answering for him,finding a partner who gets where you are is a hard thing,given choice most people run for the hills it is a lonley life on your own but talking does help

[jenny lucas]

I appreciate that the forum can't actually be a dating site (!!!), but I'm wondering if it would be possible (acceptable?) to create a kind of 'permanent thread' in the Members' Section, along with the current Roll Call and Chit Chat, which was a kind of 'singles' thread maybe?

I don't know what the protocol should be, if so, and obviously, like I say, it needs to emphasise that this is 'online' only (what members then PM each other about is different!), and probably carefully monitored to ensure it 'stays within bounds' (shall we say).

Would it be possible, at least to 'give it a go'? (Cautiously?)

Anyone participating would need to bear in mind that (a) this ISN'T a 'dating site and (b) that even though the Members section is for members only, that they still shouldn't put anything 'too personal' on the threads, bearing in mind that it is, sadly, still possible for those who have absolutely nothing to do with caring at all to 'fake' an id and join this forum. (That, of course, might be one of the dangers of having any kind of 'person to person' thread at all??? It's open to 'infiltration'???)

Sorry if this has been attempted before unsuccessfully (eg, because it got 'out of hand' or 'infiltrated' or whatever), but if not, would the mods etc consider it on a trial basis? There does seem to be a need for it. (er, I should say I'm not in the market, so I wouldn't be there anyway!)

But, from a carers' point of view, it's all too often a very lonely business, and I do think that really, probably only other carers' really 'get it' when it comes to why having a 'normal' social/romantic life is so, so difficult-to-impossible.

Anyway, just a thought, FWIW! Cheers, Jenny

(And may all of your 'seekers' find nice 'other seekers' with whom to pal up! )

[Chris From The Gulag]

Agreed Jenny ..... seconded.

Why hide / surpress every day problems for carers surviving in CarerLand ?

Relationships in our world are not quite the same when caring tends to dictate our lives.

For any outsiders , even to consider that restriction would be difficult to comprehend ?

Only fellow carers know / feel / experience the same problems.

And this is our organisation for carers ?

[jenny lucas]

Like tends to marry like - as in, isn't that why so many divorced people marry other divorcees, simply because each of them knows where the other is coming from. They have the same scars, etc.

I'd say it's certainly true of widows/widowers as well.

And probably just about every other 'niche' sector as well.

I do appreciate that considerable caution would be needed. There is, presumably, a HUGE spectrum in the 'real' online dating market, and I'm sure some of it can get (a) extremely sleazy (!) and (b) genuinely dangerous.

(I'm always quite amused by the idea that Classic FM runs a dating site - yet in a way it's an obvious place for someone who is, let's say, a little more mature - not just in age, but in artistic taste! - to meet other similar folk!)

(Guess for the really artistically mature there should be a Radio 3 dating site - and they can all go to First Broadcast Performance concerts to hear Ping-Pong music!)(or maybe Very Early Music perhaps played on two tambours and a serpentine, sung by a polyphonic monastery choir or somesuch) (me, I'm just a GOT girl - Good Old Tchaikovsky!!!:) )

[Chris From The Gulag]

Be rather interesting when the 60s generation land up in residential care homes ?

When grannie wants to take a trip , and listen to Hendrix in full flow ... boy , are the younger generation in for a surprise !

Yes , a lot of merit in seeking partners / friends in the same social field.

Less barriers to breakdown , a sense of both having been there before ... a mere expression rather than an explanation ... tells one all they want to know ... affinity.

And the real sense of finally , you are not alone.

Carers understand that , but any non carers ?

[susieq]

As you say Jenny the Carers UK Forum is not a dating site - although we have had a few 'romantic' hook ups over the years leading to at least one wedding that I'm aware of Dating sites do have very specific conditions that they must fulfill to protect their members so I don't think we'll be going that route But as you say there is nothing to stop members pm'ing each other to arrange meetings etc - except I would warn anyone to take all the usual precautions if arranging such a meet up. (other side of the coin - if you receive unwanted/nuisance pm's you can 'block' the sender via your User Control Panel or contact one of the Moderators or Administrators)

Also I might recommend connecting with other carers in your locality via your local Carers Support group as a way to meet others in a similar situation - you'll usually find details either on your local authority website or by googling 'carers support group' and the name of your town/area. Most have coffee mornings and events where carers can meet each other in an informal setting.

[Chris From The Gulag]

Very good idea Susie.

Only one problem , that dreaded post code lottery , and for those finding their nearest one 20/30 miles away .... then factor in time away from caree and travel costs.

Worksop ( Pop. 30,000 or so ) .... nearest Sheffield ... one an hour train , bus or walk 1.5 miles once at Sheffield station. £ 9 would cover it , pocket change for some , a week's food for others.

Still , ideal for most but almost a non starter for lone carers unless , they do as I did , take their caree with them ... in all weathers ? .... no car ... not ideal but , where there is no other option available ... as lone carers , what other option is there ?

Just imagine what life was like for lone carers before the Internet / Forum age ? I cringe at the thought of that experience ! Bad enough when no roll on / off facility on neither buses nor trains for carees in wheelchairs.

i dread to think how two lone carers , with carees in wheelchairs , in different parts of London , meet up if the only realistic route is by the undeground system ? Impossible before I left the Smoke in 1983 , local contact said hardly anything had really changed back in 2011.

Dating site ? For a lone carer , fancing putting all of that in your cv ????????????

I spent 10 years pondering on that very question without coming up with a solution. Add on another 9 and a bit years , and I still ponder.

All carers are carers ... beyond that , generalisations can be thrown out the window.