Looking for advice

[Sparklequeen]

For the past 3 years I have been living with my grandma. I am not really her career as she is perfectly mobile and not unwell I just help her round the house and garden drive her to appointments etc. Her partner died nearly 3 years ago after having had several falls and I was helping her to look after him in his final months. We moved house 2 years ago and after moving down she herself had a minor fall but is perfectly fine now and ever since moving house thingsbhave got worse. Barely a day goes by when she doesn't try and start an argument which she will turn round to say I started it and if I stand up for myself she says how can I treat a nearly 90 year old that way. She is constantly criticising and moaning about me to my face and to my mother when she visits and even if I am replying to a question she asked she will pick me up on it and turn it into an argument. She has also lately started accusing me of hitting and pushing her and says that I want to kill her and if she has a stroke or heart attack it will be my fault. She doesn't like me going out on my own or to see my father (she has an issue with him) and if I do I feel guilty and worried how she will react as in the past after seeing a friend or my father she accuses me of being in a bad mood after having been with them. Any advice appreciated

[jenny lucas]

Hi, and welcome.

It seems that whatever you do in respect of your grandma, you are in the wrong. To me, this indicates that the time of you living with her has passed, and you need to move out.

You are not, sadly, any longer her beloved granddaughter, you have become a whipping girl for her to take out whatever frustrations she may have, etc etc etc.

I think you are banging your head against a brick wall if you try and stay with her any longer.

You don't say how old you are, but I take it you must at least be in your twenties (thirties?). I would say, speaking as a mum myself, that it is high time you had a 'life of your own'. And that really does require moving out and moving on.

What is your financial situation? Are you working, can you pay rent, can you flat share/room share? It's time to make plans for your own future.

As for your grandma I would do the following: I would go and see her GP and tell them that you are now going to be moving out, describe your grandma as she is now, what she can and can't do, and then say to the GP that you rely on him/her to inform social services etc etc.

I do urge you to move out NOW, before your grandma ages any more and, to be frank about it, simply 'gets worse', whether from old age, or what seems to be a psychological change in her which may simply be 'herself changing' or, grimly, could be the symptoms of dementia setting in, becoming so aggressive and argumentative - and 'lying' about you hitting her etc etc.

If it IS dementia setting in, then I'm afraid it will be inevitable that at some point she will require residential care. If she has her own house, and savings, a total of £23,500 plus, then she will have to self-fund, otherwise the SS/council will pay for her.

PLEASE do NOT consider staying with her if she develops dementia. It is a PIG of a disease to look after - one person alone CANNOT do it. I know whereof I speak! I tried to take on my 90 y/o MIL as she developed dementia and it was impossible. Now, grimly, she is reduced to being in a wheelchair, she can't walk any more, can't speak, can barely recognise me when I visit her in her care home, and is douly incontinent. She HAS to have a team of carers to cope with her.

Remember, this is your grandmother, not your mother or father - if anyone has the 'responsibility' for her it is your mother (I take it she is the daughter, not your father the son?). Please, take my advice and move out! Things CANNOT 'get better', they can only get hideously, hideously worse.....

Surely your own mother would NEVER want to 'land' you with her mother! It would be very wrong of your mother to want that for you.

[bowlingbun]

You ARE a carer!

Your grandma is clearly becoming mentally frail. Please use your phone to record her outbursts, then go and see her GP. The doctor can't discuss things with you, due to client confidentiality, but should listen and then take steps to help his patient.

Why did you move in with her?

[Sparklequeen1]

Thank you for replying I really appreciate it.

I'm 29 and my nans only grandchild and my mum is her only child. My mum lives in devon and is unable to get up much and it's difficult for her with her work but when she does my Nan is so jealous of my mum and I spending any time together so we rarely do. I have been helping my Nan (and her partner when he was alive) on and off since 2011 when her partner had a stroke and I had to come up to help her. Unfortunately he died 3 years ago and then two years ago I had to give up my job to help her relocate and since then I have been trying to get a job where we live now but to no avail so far.

The only concern I have with going to her doctor is that I'm not sure they would believe me as she has seen them on a regular basis and they think she is remarkable and brilliant for her age and very switched on

Thank you again for your advice

[jenny lucas]

Try filming her outbursts and criticism of you on your phone, then showing it to the doctor. Alas, many elderly folk put on a great 'show' for the 'experts' and it's all part of their manipulation of others (in this instance you and your mum).

You know don't you that you do NOT actually 'have' to look after her at all! Not a single one of us as ANY 'legal duty of care' towards another, and certainly not a grandchild to a gran.

Your gran doesn't really sound like a very nice person I'm afraid, the way you are describing her. How dare she be jealous of her own daughter spending any time with you!!!!! She sounds very 'possessive'.

To be honest, why don't you move to Devon with your mum and get work there! Sounds a lot nicer.

What kind of work do you want to do, have been doing, and are qualified to do? You are nearly 30 - what have you to show for your life so far????

I don't mean to be 'cruel' to you, but your precious youth is flashing by, and you are spending it on an unappreciative and critical and jealous and possessive woman who does not appreciate it and takes you for granted.

[Sparklequeen1]

Thanks for replying.

She had days when she's perfectly nice but they seem to be few and far between in the last three years and I feel we have to watch what we say. When my mum does visit Nan says for the two of us to go out but if we do she usually moans when we get back that we went off and left her even though she didn't want to come. She doesn't like it that I speak to my mum a lot on the phone either.

Yes I am looking into jobs in Devon aswell as near where my dad lives. I have a degree in criminology and psychology and have been looking to get into the police for years but in the meantime have been working in administration/data entry/ travel. I have also set up my own handmade jewellery business , written 3 poetry books and am currently writing 3 factual books on my war relatives and another poetry book.

My mum has said she would never put my Nan in care home or anything like that so it's rather difficult

[MrsAverage]

Thanks for replying.


My mum has said she would never put my Nan in care home or anything like that so it's rather difficult

In which case that is Mums problem and decision (actually it's Grans). Did she promise this knowing it would be at the expense of your life and independence? Neither has the right to sacrifice you to a life of care.

While you look for a real job you should at least be being paid for what you do. If you weren't there they would have to pay someone else, so why not pay you?

You sound resourceful and creative, maybe you just need the nudge to move on... which we will happily provide. Go live your life. That might include a little care for Gran but only a few hours of a weekend or evening perhaps. You can still love her but not at the cost of your entire life.

Best wishes
MrsA