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Looking after friend who is disabled and abusive towards me - Carers UK Forum

Looking after friend who is disabled and abusive towards me

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Hi all,
I am looking for some advice please. I have been looking after my friend for the last 10 years or so. He always has been quite quick to lose his temper if he doesn't get what he wants, shouts and swears at me on a daily basis and has now threatened to call social services and say Geno longer wants me to be his carer. This effectively means that I could be homeless very soon and I have virtually no money at all to go and get another place to live
Whenever he loses his temper with me, I always try to calmly speak about the issue but get shouted and sworn at, then ignored for days on end. I have quite a few health issues myself ( some mobility issues with back, graves disease, asthma and anxiety and depressed), all of which can and do affect me on a daily basis. I do try my best to look after him, but it is becoming increasingly difficult to do so without my stress levels going through the roof.
I am also worried about going into temporary accommodation due to covid pandemic and not sure how I would be able to cope on my own. I have no family living close by and like the area I live in. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. He says he's going to make the call in the morning when they open and I'm pretty sure that I will be asked to leave if this happens. Every time something happens to annoy him ( today it was because I was trying to sleep and asked him to put the TV down a little bit so I could sleep). He has also thrown this on occasion too. Please help as I don't know what to do.
Catherine
This is no friend! It's domestic abuse. Why are you ruining your life like this?
Time for you to start an escape plan asap.
What benefits are you claiming currently?
I'm currently getting carer's allowance and income support. I use it to buy the food each week for us both and my cat and it just about covers everything for the week. I don't pay any rent, the tenancy is in his name (in a council property) and he pays all the bills, so I feel I have to contribute something.
He's threatened it numerous times in the past and not actually done it, I'm too scared to sleep in case he does something while I'm sleeping ( I might not be awake if he makes the call in a few hours), so trying to stay awake. I have tried to talk to him calmly but he just walked out of the room, swearing and telling me he wants nothing to do with me. He has also done this quite a lot in the past and has a medical condition which can make him lose his temper quickly, I always try to not provoke him, but it seems any little thing can make him kick off lately. I then get ignored or sworn at for days, until he decides to act normal again.
And not sure I have the strength to leave, even though I know what he's doing is wrong. He made me so upset a few years ago that I actually went and punched a wall out of sheer frustration and ended up breaking my knuckle.
Have you ever heard of Coercive Control?
Contact an organisation dealing with Domestic Abuse.
He has clearly made you feel utterly worthless, part of his plan to keep you as his slave.
Yes I have heard of it, do you think that's what he's doing? He did say he was a difficult person to live with and had no issues for the first few years. Then it started. When he loses his temper with me, he does generally put me down and certainly always thinks I am putting things on to get out of doing things, but that really isn't the case at all. I only know my side of the story and he is impossible to deal with when angry. There are always 2 sides to every story after all.
It seems each time I do something to make him lose his temper and try not to do it again, he comes up with any other thing to lose it with me over. Sometimes feel like I am treading on egg shells so to speak.
I am really worried about where I might end up if he does decide to make the call and stop me being his carer as I have been homeless before I lived here and it wasn't a pleasant experience at all - I almost had a complete breakdown.
I am trying my best, but seems it's never good enough and what was ok yesterday won't necessarily be ok today as he changes his mind constantly.
He is using you as his slave and verbal punchbag.
Start by contacting an organisation dealing with domestic abuse. Make sure he doesn't find out.
That may be a bit tricky to do. I've known him for 20+ years. I know you are probably right and I will see what I can find out discreetly. And see if he actually goes through with his threat.
It's not the first time he has said similar, he told me a couple of years ago he wanted me out by the end of the week, then acted like nothing had happened a few days later.
And unless I go out (which is tricky for me to do due to back issues), then I cannot talk freely to anyone. I'm thinking of contacting my GP to hopefully get a face to face appointment and maybe I will have the courage to speak to them. I am also registered with my local carer's network, they may be able to help with live chat.
The chances of him throwing you out is just about zero, who else will be his slave then??

What is the nature of his disability?

You mention your back issues make it difficult for you to go out alone.
Are you claiming disability benefits in your own right?
Do you have a lock on your bedroom door, for privacy?
I agree he probably won't throw me out, but I've been awake all night worrying. While he's been sleeping for hours.
He has mobility issues, diabetes, high blood pressure and issue in his neck which he had surgery for just over 6 years ago.
My back issue is due to an injury in October 2019 which leaves me in constant pain, often very bad, made worse when bending, walking and standing. I'm not currently getting any benefits for it but it has certainly restricted my mobility on a daily basis and when it's really bad (I get muscle spasms along with the pain), I struggle to walk.
We live in a one bedroom bungalow and he has the bedroom, I sleep on a sofa bed in the living room, so no I don't even have a bedroom to lock the door.
I've been thinking about applying for PIP like he gets so I can start to try and save some money, but not sure I am affected enough to get it.