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Living in a prison without the bars at 25. - Carers UK Forum

Living in a prison without the bars at 25.

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
My disabled Aunt passed away this summer unexpectedly but had been disabled for her adult life and lived with my Nan.

As my Aunt was passing away my Nan asked me to move in. Sure I said without thinking. As my Aunt lived within the home social wasn’t able to claim against the house as she was classed as a dependent and had her own careers who doubled up as my nans once my Nan wasn’t able to care for my Aunt.

My Mum didnt wasn’t me to move in, but due to my mums and nan’s personality clashes (put kindly) it seemed like the best idea. The condition of me moving in was that I would still keep up my career and my relationship.

I left the house for twenty minutes once to run to the nearest shop for essentials and in this time my Nan has a nasty fall and wasn’t able to press her alarm. Therefore ‘we’ decided for my Nan not to be left home alone for any period of time.

So I decided not to go back to work, as while I could possibly pay someone to cover 9-5 with travel time/plus working late/traffic my options were limited. Fine, nan said when I moved in that her home would become mine. Able to decorate my room how I like and when she passes everything comes to me; kind of softens the blow of giving up a rising career.

However my Nan asked me to read over the first draft of her professional wrote will. The cover letter says that she might want to make a provision if the house is to be sold for carehome fees that I still get something (I get the house; no house no inheritance).

I didn’t move in for the money just for love. However, my Nan keeps asking when I’ll be having a baby and starting my family. Myself and my partner were very much looking for the next step before I moved in. He’s been amazing through this (while not perfect I can’t imagine any other human being so understanding).

I mentioned to my Nan earlier that I wouldn’t be able to cope if she had full on dementia, didn’t know who I was, violent etc etc without putting kids in the equation. She said she’s told the solicitor that she’s not going in a home. I feel like it’s bribe/threat or even blackmail.

Essentially I could be looking at putting the best years behind me for ten years, not being able to look after her and then everything being left to family members who she doesn’t like/hasn’t seen for 20 years. Or, I could have kids and hope for the best that one day I have to walk away and I’ll have no home, no career or nest egg. Literally nothing or face abuse.

I feel like I really need to approach this but on the other hand I don’t want to seem like a money grabber. Also I feel like this is a real game changer. In my mind I’ve almost being getting through this as let’s take each day as it comes. And if it ever gets to the point I need to walk away it will be heart breaking but needed. My Nan doesn’t not want anyone else looking after her. I have two days off a month which is a struggle as she literally hates the rest of the family.
Who set the 2 days a month criteria?

You cannot be forced to care AT ALL! From now on YOU set the rules. I know there will be a fuss, as she is behaving like an elderly toddler! How much is she paying you for all the care you give???
As my Aunt lived within the home social wasn’t able to claim against the house as she was classed as a dependent and had her own careers who doubled up as my nans once my Nan wasn’t able to care for my Aunt.


Mmmm ... I would certainly check out your " Interest " in the property ?

Last thing you want to be is homeless should certain events happen ... grandmother's health deteriorates , a care home , either residential or nursing , the only answer ?

However my Nan asked me to read over the first draft of her professional wrote will. The cover letter says that she might want to make a provision if the house is to be sold for care home fees that I still get something (I get the house; no house no inheritance).


Care homes fees take priority over any legacy ... if deferred , a prior claim on the estate of the deceased.

Again , something to check out IF you are relying on a future interest under the terms of a will.

A precarious position to say the very least ?

Or, I could have kids and hope for the best that one day I have to walk away and I’ll have no home, no career or nest egg. Literally nothing or face abuse.


Time to start formulating a realistic Plan B ?

( I assume you claim Carers Allowance ? Any additional income ? Declared to the Taxman ? DWP ...especially if claiming any income related benefits ? )
Hi Annie,
I read your post like this.
I loved my nan and was happy to move in with her when my Aunt died to give her some companionship, TLC and general help. In return I was promised that I would inherit the house, keep my relationship going and have my own space.
What you were looking at was Nan as she was then but didn’t take in to consideration that as Nan grew older her needs would rapidly and massively increase as would the demands on you as a Carer.
You also didn’t realise that the promised inheritance could very well be swallowed up to pay for Nan’s Care. Neither you nor Nan can control that. Nan promised you the house in good faith. You accepted the role. Unfortunately you didn’t check out whether the promise was valid.
If Nan has written a will specifying that all her remaining assets go to you, the no other family members can inherit anything. Her house would only be sold IF she was in Home and all other monies and assets had been used up. Also I believe (but check it out) that the first named beneficiary of a will gets the first payout. So that if there is not enough left to pay everyone in the will what has been ‘left’ to them, then hard luck, they get nothing.
The best way forward to do your best to fulfil Nan’s wishes and your own, to keep her in her own home as long as possible, is to get Nan a Needs Assessment and yourself a Carer’s assessment by SS and get Carers in. With a Care team in place Nan will be able to live in her own home for longer and the value of the house will not be taken into consideration while she remains in residence.
One day Nan may have to move into a Home because her needs have become too much for you and the team of carers. Perhaps by that time she will not have much longer to live and you will inherit a good chunk of the house value.
This isn’t ‘money grabbing’. Look on it as fair recompense for your ‘work’ in being her carer. How much would it have cost to employ a live in carer? Put aside the feelings of ‘what others think’ and find out what the ‘worst scenario’ is.
Nan may have told the solicitor that she isn’t going into a Home, but if she loses capacity and her needs are such that she needs a Home, he won’t be able or even want to stop it, although she probably thinks so. I would check out how much weight in law that covering letter has. I believe a letter of wishes is not legally binding but only an indication to executors, attorneys or representatives.