Is it normal to get angry and frustrated

[Joyce Cole]

I care for my mother who has dementia and anxiety. I get so frustrated that she will not do anything to help herself that it makes me get angry. Not shouty angry but impatient angry. Particularly at the moment we are having problems getting her to eat. She doesn't live with me but I visit twice a day and take her food and she had four carer visits a day. At every visit we throw away the food from the previous visit. Also she is reluctant to get out of bed to use the commode and will happily wet in her pads. I have to work so I cannot monitor her all day. I just get so cross sometimes. Is this normal or should I speak to someone about it, I just want to do what is best for her.

[loanbattle]

hello!!!!!!!
please don't feel bad, most people here have had felt anger ,despair,frustration. you have come to the right place.i am new here, but people have helped just by offering kind words and advice. i think just coming here shows you feel a bit bad about being angry/frustrated. being a carer day in day out can leave you very empty and tired. you probably want your mum to be like she used to be, try taking a step back and remember it's not personal it's just the dementia or if she is anxious her appetite will be low anyway . she probably isn't doing it to wind you up. if you are tired from constant visits and work your tolerance can easily slip!!!!!!!!!!! think about taking a break if your tired and don't feel guilty about it,when you return refreshed and revitalized you will see things in a new light. looking after somebody is often frustrating, i once taught a young man with downs syndrome to do up his shoe laces, it took me roughly 8 months and then his mum bought him Velcro shoe's lol. good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and give yourself a massive pat on the back for all the hard work you do(i bet nobody else does......)

[jenny lucas]

To my mind, it would be abnormal (to the point of being a miracle!) NOT to get angry and frustrated in such a situation!

In practical terms, would it be so very bad if your mother were allowed to eat or not eat as she pleases? It could be that if you stopped 'pressurising' her she might eat more? But if she doesn't (and you've tried various menus to tempt her etc) then maybe the time is right for her to simply not eat, if that's what she now wants to do?

It might sound drastic (or, more honestly, brutal), but my own sister in law had a mother with incipient dementia who went through a phase of refusing to eat - my SIL and her sister perservered and managed to coax her to eat, even though her mother's GP had said, right from the off, that her refusal was her 'making it clear she wanted to go' (ie, die). Anyway, she was coaxed back into eating - and then proceeded to live for a further two years, becoming increasingly infirm, incapable and simply not being the person she had once been, become a frail, 'ghost' person, until she died. in the meantime, in those two years, my SIL and her sister became total wrecks from caring for her, her sister nearly lost her own husband to the stress, and my SIL took to the bottle for a desperate way to cope and both of them were on non-stop Prozac.

So, you see, sometimes it is better to let the caree slip away in the way that, in some part of their tormented mind, they have 'decided' to go...ie, by refusing food.

As I say, I know this sounds brutal, but when I look at what my poor SIL and her sister went through - two nightmare years - personally I think that coaxing their mother to resume eating was something that can only be regretted.

Apologies if this is upsetting, which it probably is, but dementia is so unbearably cruel on everyone, from the person inflicted to those who care for them, and love them, and who have to watch the person they love dissolving before their eyes.

Dying too soon (as my husband did) is a tragedy - but sometimes so too is living too long....

Whatever happens, I hope you find the strength you need now. Jenny

[india77]

Hi and welcome to the forum

[Melly1]

It is very normal.

Melly1

[Kirsty008]

welcome to the forum, you are doing great by the sound of it!

do not feel guilty for feeling frustrated at all, i get like that but i think its normal to be honest. its hard work!

xx

[Shazlette]

Oh God!! I so hope it is normal. I get angry and frustrated all the time, like several times a day. Mainly because dad won't say yes or no to anything. He will not make any decisions about anything at all, food, drinks, going out, speaking to people, the OT, Dr etc etc. Judging by what others have written - WE ARE NORMAL!!!

Good luck.
Shaz

[Kirsty008]

shaz my nan has started to do that all the time aswell its so frustrating!

xxx

[Dancedintherain]

maybe she needs food supplements possibly in the form of drinks? It's very common in the elderly, especially those suffering from a dementia.
Are her teeth ok and does she need to see a dentist? Sore gums, ulcers? bad throat? swallowing problems? gastric problems? Dentist can visit at home if needed.


So YES you DO NEED to speak to someone and sooner the better.
can you inform her GP on her behalf? or district Nurse?

Wet pads? That's why she has them for accidents and my guess is she is unaware when she urinates or simply does not have time to reach the commode (urge incontinence).

And yes, you are normal!!! All I can suggest is to focus on hating the condition of dementia and ... Take a deep breath. We will all age, many of us will get poorly too, physically and mentally.

my heart goes out to you.

[jenny lucas]

Shaz, a friend of mine caring for her dad with dementia says that the inability to make a decision about anything at all is itself a sign of dementia.....

All best, J