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Introducing New Member - JessTheCat - Page 5 - Carers UK Forum

Introducing New Member - JessTheCat

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
92 posts
You need to be aware that you don't HAVE to sell the house to pay for care home fees. The council can pay the fees, putting a "charge" on the house. When mum passes away, and the house is sold, you get the value of the house, less the cost of the nursing care. I can't remember the exact name for this, it's been a busy day.
JessTheCat wrote: I don't want to seem obstructive and as if I'm trying to make it difficult for her to come home but she's 'sweet little old lady' in hospital and everybody loves her but when she's at home she'll be back to Queen Manipulator the First and I'll pay a heavy price for anything she doesn't approve of - even if she's agreed to it in hospital to keep her 'lovely' reputation. (I know this sounds very bitchy but I hope you'll understand!)
Oh, don't worry because I & probably plenty of others understand only too well what you have to put up with.

You need to do what I did with my MIL and, behind the scenes, engineer a situation whereby your mother explodes with rage in front of the health professionals.

My MIL's an absolute waste-of-space, in fact she should be prosecuted for taking up the space that she occupies.

She's made my wife's life a misery from her earliest childhood memories, including letting her walk home from school alone when she was 5, a journey that included crossing a very busy main road while her so-called mother stood in the front room & watched her.

My wife's childhood trauma has been identified by her counsellor who's going to do what she calls a 'timeline' therapy so it's still affecting her nearly 50 years on.

My MIL could start a fight in an empty room but as soon as she's challenged on come the waterworks & the defenceless OAP routine.

I did have the distinct pleasure of hearing her described as "being despised in every shop in the town" by a supermarket customer to a supermarket employee for whom my MIL had caused trouble.

My MIL's main weakness is her inability to realise that she's basically stupid as she actually thinks I like her, a weakness which I use to my advantage to undermine her, very successfully, at every possible opportunity, including getting her grandchildren to see what she's like & distance themselves from her.

If she was on fire I doubt that the local Fire & Rescue would even bother to put her out.

P.S. I could teach David Platt in Corrie a thing or two about mind games.

Lol !!
I sort of feel that displays of 'emotional detachment' (I see similar in my MIL) more or less go with the territory of dementia cutting out memory. They don't feel emotional about things, because they don't remember things.

However, Jess, it could be that it is not a question of being emotionally detached, merely emotionally 'private'. So many of that generation were brought up not to SHOW emotions, they were taught to 'get over it' when someone died, and 'not make a fuss' etc etc. Things have changed a lot, culturally, since then, and showing everyone our emotions and feelings is now regarded as normal, rather than 'hysterical'.

Glad my idea of one care home for two mums is worth considering - hope you can find a suitable one for both of them!
Just an update on where we are now in the process!
Mother has now left hospital after having spent time in 3 different wards and is in Rehab where she is expected to stay for around 6 weeks. She’s only been there since Saturday but they seem very nice and helpful and open with information.
Biggest problem so far has been the complete lack of communication from anybody about anything. Because my mother is considered compus mentis people are talking to her about things but nobody is talking to me. She may be compus mentis at the time but her memory is bad and she tells me someone’s spoken to her but she can’t remember what about or who it was. I just keep telling her not to sign anything. Perhaps they need to realise that it’s just her life that is affected but it ‘s also mine and if she did go home I would have no choice but to go and live there, leaving home and husband and gaining a 3 hour round trip to work.
Had a meeting with the Occ Therapist and decision was made for Residential (Nursing), he said that he couldn’t see any option, and he told me we would be allocated a Care Manager but since then have heard nothing.
Other problem is that people are giving my mother conflicting information – most blatantly one nurse (?) who pretty much harangued me in hospital, in front of my mother, that she doesn’t need to go into Care and can be at home in a hospital bed and have carer’s 4 times a day etc etc – she also added that I needed to sort something out because it’s a Hospital not a Hotel!!! Yes, complaint has been sent.
I’m staying at her house at weekends so that I can visit and start clearing a few bits up in the house. Plan is to go for Deferred Payment if possible (thanks for heads up on that, bowlingbun) and rent out house to minimise the ‘losses’ but I’m stuck and can’t do anything until someone, somewhere will speak to me and tell me approximate timeframe, costs, legalities, etc etc etc.
Husband’s situation is the same but he is holding to a mid May deadline when he is going to ‘walk’. Realistically unless he gets back to more regular work soon we’re going to be in the poorhouse so it’s harsh but it has to be done. Maybe it will push them to actually talk about Residential instead of pretending nothing is wrong.
Oh yes, I also contracted Norovirus – lost half a stone, every cloud has a silver lining!
I’ll keep posting updates here so that it might help anyone else who’s going through something similar.
Thank you so much all for your support xxxx
If the ward are ignoring you, then talk to PALS patient liason, at the hospital asap. Make it clear that you WILL NOT under any circumstances be picking up the pieces when any care plan fails. There needs to be an agreed back up plan. I'm afraid that they will play brinkmanship. Make sure PALS know that you want a Continuing Heslthcare Assessment done at the end of rehab before she goes anywhere.
Thank you, bb. I shall contact them tomorrow. I'd be totally lost in all this if it wasn't for all the experience here!
You say - 'if she did go home I would have no choice but to go and live there'....

NO - please, never ever forget that you DO have a choice, and please please tell the hospital/social workers/everyone (!) that you CHOOSE NOT to go to her home and look after her!

The word 'brinkmanship' has already been mentioned, and another one is going to have to be 'hardball'....

I do wish you all the best in 'holding the line' at this stage - it will take strength and determination - and probably a whole, whole lot of repetition of your 'I am NOT going to move into her house to look after her so you can get her off your books!'
It's been a while since I posted but I've been on a total roller coaster, driven by Social Services. Mother is currently in a Rehab home and is coming to the end of her time there. She has made great progress physically but has deteriorated mentally - short term memory has gone and she is confused most of the time. But somehow 'they' are only seeing the physical progress and tell me that they haven't seen any evidence of memory loss or confusion.

I've had massive difficulty trying to get anyone to speak to me - they go and speak to my mother and she can't remember what they said anyway. I have been completely ignored throughout the whole process despite the massive impact it is all having on my life.

I've also discovered that before she had the fall she's been phoning her neighbour at all times of the day and night for very trivial reasons - obviously this cannot continue.

Anyway, very long story short - this weekend I visited a few care homes and decided on one which has a vacancy, it's by no means the cheapest but it's really nice and involves the residents in all decisions, lovely situation as well. Today I went to the Rehab home to try and get some form of discharge date and get things started ...... Only to be told that she's been re-assessed and has agreed to being discharged to home with a care package!!! I'm ashamed to say that I broke down and sobbed but it's been so much pressure and I thought an end was finally in sight. They did say to me that I could send her to a care home after she's come home but I can't see that working, once she's back home she won't shift.

What really pees me off is that I seem to be viewed as the evil daughter who's putting her dear old mum in a home.
To me it's a no brainier - in a care home she'll have 24 hour assistance, everything done for her, proper food which she'll be encouraged to eat and, most of all, company. Her house is at the top of a cul de sac, nobody even walks past, she watches planes because nothing else moves. How can anybody think being lonely and bored at home is better than being looked after???

I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep putting my case to anyone that I can get to. It was their decision originally to recommend care and now they've completely changed that without even telling me. Perhaps they'd like to refund the money that I've spent on financial advice and the weeks of work I've put in on the house to get it ready for rental.

I just hope that one day all these 'professionals' are in this same situation because that's the only way they'll EVER understand.

Sorry for the rant but I'm completely furious.
Contact the PALS office and make a formal complaint. Ask why you, as carer, were completely excluded from the decision making process. Ask to see a copy of the paperwork which shows who was involved in the decision, where, when, etc. Most important of all, ask to see a copy of the Continuing Healthcare Checklist, if it wasn't done, or was done without you, kick up a stink! You cannot be forced to care. Maybe carers are going in four times a day, but what about the other 22 hours of the day?!
Thank you, Bowlingbun. I was wondering who would be my best contact to start fighting this and you have provided me with the answer.

I have been writing a list of the pros and cons of her being at home, from her point of view, and so far I have 23 cons and 2 pros.

I can't wait to see their faces when, about 3 weeks after they send her home, she falls over and ends up right back in hospital - must get a t shirt with 'I told you so' in large red letters!
92 posts