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introducing me and my caring situation - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

introducing me and my caring situation

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
You are a grown adult and can vote for your own choice in elections, it's nobody else's business.
You can choose your own preferences, it is nobody else's business.
You are in charge of you, it is your body, your mind and your life.
Breezey is so right you only have ONE life. I know how hard it is when you KNOW you are being manipulated but cannot seem to break free, but trust me, it will not get any easier. I also know how easy it is for us to make these suggestions and how very hard it is to progress them, but please try.

I feel you need extra support as in some form of counselling? Someone non judgemental? I think there are Transgender Support groups and maybe a helpline so please please investigate this. One other option might be your GP?
As Helena suggested, regarding preferences issues there are other forums if you haven't joined them that might be more helpful on those topics, it's not a very well known or experienced topic in here so you might benefit from such forum(s) as well as here.
Hi Jeromiah

Following on from Breezey's suggestion, this link is for a searchable directory of services across the UK https://www.transunite.co.uk/

They may be more able to help with some of your issues around being a trans male. That said, hopefully we can help with the caring aspect and be a listening and supportive ear for anything you want to talk about. But I would suggest posting in the Members section to keep some of your information safer from prying eyes.
Breezey wrote:
Sun Aug 14, 2022 3:18 pm
You are a grown adult and can vote for your own choice in elections, it's nobody else's business.
You can choose your own preferences, it is nobody else's business.
You are in charge of you, it is your body, your mind and your life.
This is addressed to all who replied to my post. thank you for your wonderful replies! It makes me feel alot better!
Still conflicted tho, please read:
Here is an update for you: i have a friend who recently offered me to share her home if I want it. If things become too difficult with mum and she goes off the rails again like she did back last years and a little bit this year when she had severe breathing problems due to a rat infestation and she became very very aggressive and almost physical with me.

Yes, her breathing difficulties made her so frustrated and angry to ME as if the rat problem was my fault that she actually would get up, chase me and one time came at my face with scissors. It was her very first time doing anything like that it was scary. She started getting in my face, grabbing my arms and shaking me as she yelled and screamed inches from my face (that last bit happened a few years ago but the scissors thing happened last year the day before or after my birthday on the 16th june 2021) It was so scary that whenever she gets angry I have to move well away from her.

I actually got that incident on camera because I was livestreaming on youtube at the time. My viewers were shocked, especially my 3 friends who saw it, nobody else who watched seemed bothered at all. was honestly expecting a visit from the police because one of my viewers were concerned and called them.

I was relieved the police didn't come as if they did mum would question me as to how the police knew this happened and would go ballistic if she knew I was recording.

She didn't even seem that angry at the time and she came around me and then in my face with scissors. I should probably have left at that point but had nowhere to go and wasn't aware mum was being abusive. I figured she was so frustrated with me because I did dinner late. It made her breathing problems worse if I made dinner late as she kept yelling at me. So that is my fault I guess. She was the one who didn't want to poison the rats though. She expected me to get rid of them some other way which I did and clearly it didn't work. After she finally agreed to my poisoning them, she blamed me and said I should've poisoned them ages ago when they first invaded the house! Well duh, but she wouldn't let me kill them! I only did as she asked. She said I should've disobeyed her. I'm like what? If I disobey her, she would get angry at me for that, so what the hell am I supposed to do? I agree she was right, I should've gone behind her back and just bought poison and kill the damn things. They've ruined our house.

Anyway so the most recent thing that happened was that I had a discussion with my mum and it somehow got onto the subject of my being transgender and she told me that if I'm going to be changing myself and transitioning I can just move out then, she doesn't want a weirdo living in the house with me, she said. I never said I would fully transition because I knew she wouldn't like that plus I'm terrified of surgery and permanent body alterations just incase I ever regretted it for whatever reason. I've felt this way (trans male) since I was 11 and I'm 31 and haven't changed my mind apart from brief experimenting with going back to living as my assigned gender.

Anyway I told mum fine then if you want me to move out, I will. She wasn't expecting me to agree to it and later when it sank in, she started warning me of all the stuff I'd have to know (usually scare mongering) about moving out, such as having no money when I got my carers allowance taken off me. I informed her I could get other benefits. She said I couldn't get a job because I have no qualifications. She's right and I wouldn't want to get a full time demanding job as that would just replace the one I already got and would be escaping from!
She asked me where I'd live, I said my friend in wales offered me her place. She said "well she'll soon get sick of you when she finds out how lazy and useless you are" I told her she doesn't care... she would happily look after me and she also has a mother who normally does all the cleaning and the cooking and another "lazy arse" living there (the dad who literally does nothing but play on his computer) as she calls me.
She then started ranting and raving about how she'd have to learn how to take care of herself and do all of the chores (like cooking, cleaning, getting cups of tea, snacks, putting bins out, washing pots, washing and so on) all with her breathing problems and disabilities (she can walk and do stuff but struggles with pain, stiffness and breathing problems due to aspirin allergy and salicylates ) I said that she doesn't have to struggle alone, she can get carers in. She said carers only come in once a week or day and she needs full time care. I was sure she could get that and with a professional carer which I am not. I am crap at it, as she says, because I was not trained nor is it what I want to do... no offence but for me personally its like being a servant and that is just not for me.
a friend confirmed full time care was available for those who need it and do not wish to be put in a care home.
I told my mum this and she acted dumb like she didn't know why i was saying this. I reminded her of the conversation we had. Clearly she was hoping I was still bluffing about moving out, even tho it was her idea!.
When I said this she went ballistic again and started doing stuff herself that I'd normally do all the while making passive aggressive, snarky and sarcastic comments about how I'm abandoning her knowing she is disabled, in ill health and have nobody else in her life to help her or for company. guilt trip city.
Anyway I ended up saying "I won't move out then, I'll stay if you want, but I still want a holiday for a week or at least 3 or 4 days away with my friend in wales." she calmed down and begrudgingly said "right" and went quiet. She said "a break from what??? you sleep for 12 hours and go out every other day " I said that may be but I still have to wake up to chores and my whole day is about chores and being yelled at, I may go out but I still have to come home after an hour or so to chores and being yelled at, i need a proper break, for days!" She said "Oh I see so you mean you want a break from ME"
I said
"you, the house, the chores, the area, the neighbours" everything! Just to see what it's like away from here and being your full time carer, seeing what it's like to be on my own and living a normal life as I haven't done so in a decade or pretty much ever!" she really resents me wanting a break. She thinks my outings every other day is enough. I've been doing this for a decade with no holiday or official break apart from her version of a break which is my going out for only an hour and getting a decent nights sleep... that doesn't count does it? So you see. I can't move out OR have a break without her making me feel guilty about it. I'm not even sure if my friend is serious about putting me up. I know she is serious about letting me live with her family if I get kicked out or came at with scissors again and I'm scared.
She still doesn't know why I want a holiday seen as how I do f**** all according to her. I haven't even had a holiday since I was 11 and that was only an over night stay in wales. I've never had a proper holiday several days away from home. I've never been anywhere or seen any of the outside world apart from the local town and past day trip (only a few hours) to liverpool, Edinburgh (only saw outside the train station), chester and york, a fraction of wales.
She also resents me saying I need a break and a holiday because she herself has been stuck in the house for 3 years due to covid and being afraid to venture out for fear of catching it. She's been vaccinated! "I've been stuck in this house for 3 years doing the same routine day in and day out"
Plus it's not my fault she's decided to stay in the house doing the same routine for 3 years! She thinks I have a nerve wanting a break.
It's really bad that there isn't a refuge for abused carers.
If you were in a relationship you could go to a refuge for domestic abuse.

Bluntly

Your mother is selfish, unreasonable and unfair on you, using emotional blackmail and coercive control to keep you there.

You have two choices, break free, just go, leave her with the social services number and a few days of groceries or stay as you are.

There is a third choice give her ultimatums and conditions on you staying - get a clean up team in to get the place cleaned out and then have a cleaner in weekly and she has a carer so you can have some life, got to work, have holiday and breaks.

Give her some home truths that she has prevented you having a career and a life and is ruining your life and you are not having it anymore, either you do these things and have a life here supporting her or you move out to have your life and leave her to her independence.

Let her know you are a grown adult with a mind of your own and aspirations and ambitions that are not up for her discussion to shatter them.

I don't want to burst a bubble but daily life is about chores, everyone has to do chores at home unless they're super rich and can afford to pay others to do them, it's part of grown up adult life.
As a guest at someones home you will outstay your welcome if you don't help out with daily chores, they are not your slaves to look after you, even if they pamper you on the first couple of days you need to start helping.

Be your own person.
Get control of your life.
Breezey wrote:
Wed Sep 21, 2022 9:06 am
It's really bad that there isn't a refuge for abused carers.
If you were in a relationship you could go to a refuge for domestic abuse.

Bluntly

Your mother is selfish, unreasonable and unfair on you, using emotional blackmail and coercive control to keep you there.

You have two choices, break free, just go, leave her with the social services number and a few days of groceries or stay as you are.

There is a third choice give her ultimatums and conditions on you staying - get a clean up team in to get the place cleaned out and then have a cleaner in weekly and she has a carer so you can have some life, got to work, have holiday and breaks.

Give her some home truths that she has prevented you having a career and a life and is ruining your life and you are not having it anymore, either you do these things and have a life here supporting her or you move out to have your life and leave her to her independence.

Let her know you are a grown adult with a mind of your own and aspirations and ambitions that are not up for her discussion to shatter them.

I don't want to burst a bubble but daily life is about chores, everyone has to do chores at home unless they're super rich and can afford to pay others to do them, it's part of grown up adult life.
As a guest at someones home you will outstay your welcome if you don't help out with daily chores, they are not your slaves to look after you, even if they pamper you on the first couple of days you need to start helping.

Be your own person.
Get control of your life.
Ok I'm actually going to be replying to the last part of your reply first because it seemed you think I'd be some sort of freeloader.
I understand that if I lived with my friends family that I would have to help out. I understand they may pamper me at first but eventually get sick of it if I expected them to continue doing so. However I would play it by ear. If after the first days or a week they wanted me to pull my weight and help out, indeed I would do it and wouldn't protest or expect them to be my slaves. I'm not a monster!. I'm not stupid or that much of a spoiled brat.
However if they were quite happy for me living there and not expect me to do any chores and allow me to do my own thing (which is work on my own home business, which would in fact bring in money, so I'd still be useful), then that's also fine. It'd be whatever they wanted.
I would let them know that I do have my own business and need time to work on it, which is my art, book, animations and music.

Ok now as for the first bit yes she does seem like selfish, the problem with breaking free is that she believes that because she looked after me and did everything for me as a child and teenager that as she is in the position she is in that I SHOULD want to help her out and give up my life to help her. We did have another talk about it (with her mainly yelling and over talking me) tonight. She claims that I've never wanted my own life up until recently and that I have been quite happy with the situation. she doesn't know me very well! She even said a few months ago that when I was a child she expected me to grow up and be a nurse or carer. I'm like what, why would you think that's what I wanted to do? It was because I used to be very fond of old people when I was a child and was very helpful to her and grandma and around the house. Just because this may be the case when I was a child doesn't mean that that is what I wanted to do as a career! It was just child fancies. I actually always wanted to be in a position of power when I was a child and saw myself being a boss of some description. I just never thought I would be clever enough to do a job like that. My mum would often tell me it's such hard work and I'd probably struggle.

Anyway so tonight she told me that if it were her mother in this position she would've been happy to look after her. If her mother became disabled and couldn't cope she would've happily have been her carer with no complains and she'd be happy to do it because "she's my mother, she brought me up, gave me everything, i owe her my life"
and she also told me a story of a woman who gave up everything to be a carer for her mother, that she saw on the telly. The woman said that she was happy to do it because her mum gave her life, gave her everything she needed, brought her up and so on and she believes she owes her her life, her care her support.
Mum told me that the above mentioned is how a normal person reacts and thinks and does!
So yeah, she does try to make me feel like a piece of shit when I talk to her about not happy being her carer.
She thinks I've always been happy with the arrangements and I've never wanted my own life up until now. It's simply not true but trying to talk to her is like accepting a tonne of bricks being piled on you. It's very hard work and very painful.

She said she's tried to be as leniant as possible and has always asked me every step of the way if I'm happy with the situation, that she's never held me hostage and at any time I couldn't changed my life. So she now thinks that because I'm only just doing it now and talking to her about this stuff that oh I must have been happy all this time. I've tried to be, because I felt obliged to do this. Because I felt I had to lest I'd be considered a bad daughter and person. I felt like I should be happy giving up doing my own thing for this but truth is I've not been entirely happy with it but just didn't see a way to change it without being made to feel guilty and bad. I do feel bad. Every time we have these conversations I get a feeling of dread inside and just want things to go back to before, when we were on good terms. We have been until this conversation but I'm hoping that she will see the errors of her ways and modify them.

What you said sounds so easy and reasonable but if I actually said these things to my mum it would be a different story. She would not be happy with my getting someone in to get the house sorted and then a cleaner in to keep it up. We don't have the money for that anyway as she keeps reminding me. All our money goes on cigs, wild bird food and bills, grocery and household bills
No suggestion or thought of you being a freeloader at all. You mentioned that you would be looked after there, your friends mother looks after them. My concerns were that you were an extra person and not family and to think about being a welcome guest, that is advice I was given by my mother when going to stay at friends for however short or long.

I did not suggest, think or say that you would be freeloading in any way whatsoever, don't put words in my mouth.

No it won't be easy for you saying or suggesting such things to your mother so if that is not possible for whatever reasons, you have the choice of remaining in the status quo going round in decreasing circles with her coercive control and emotional blackmail or packing up and leaving.

There is no law or Gvt stature that states you are legally bound to care for your parents.
Legally you do not owe them.
When you turn 18 you are responsible for yourself while you are sound of mind.

I'm being blunt but that doesn't mean I don't care, however, you have choices.

Decide what you want in life and go with that decision, stay or leave and make the best of which one you choose.

The decision is yours alone to make and then to make the best of it.

We are unpaid carers for our loved ones in here, we are not counsellors, life coaches, psychologists etc, all we can do is offer what we know or have seen in life to point out things etc. We cannot make it better, we do not have a magic wand, we cannot change things, it is down to you to make the change or remain as you are, we can't tell you what to do.

Life's too short Jeromiah.
Breezey wrote:
Thu Sep 22, 2022 1:38 pm
No suggestion or thought of you being a freeloader at all. You mentioned that you would be looked after there, your friends mother looks after them. My concerns were that you were an extra person and not family and to think about being a welcome guest, that is advice I was given by my mother when going to stay at friends for however short or long.

I did not suggest, think or say that you would be freeloading in any way whatsoever, don't put words in my mouth.

No it won't be easy for you saying or suggesting such things to your mother so if that is not possible for whatever reasons, you have the choice of remaining in the status quo going round in decreasing circles with her coercive control and emotional blackmail or packing up and leaving.

There is no law or Gvt stature that states you are legally bound to care for your parents.
Legally you do not owe them.
When you turn 18 you are responsible for yourself while you are sound of mind.

I'm being blunt but that doesn't mean I don't care, however, you have choices.

Decide what you want in life and go with that decision, stay or leave and make the best of which one you choose.

The decision is yours alone to make and then to make the best of it.

We are unpaid carers for our loved ones in here, we are not counsellors, life coaches, psychologists etc, all we can do is offer what we know or have seen in life to point out things etc. We cannot make it better, we do not have a magic wand, we cannot change things, it is down to you to make the change or remain as you are, we can't tell you what to do.

Life's too short Jeromiah.
Hello Breezey, is it just me being dumb or have you upgraded from normal member to moderator? I just haven't noticed but I could've sworn you were a normal member before.

I really don't know what to do. I crave a new life, a life of my own sometimes but it is hard for me to leave because it's true that mum has nobody else and she will absolutely not accept carers.

We had a talk 2 sundays ago and she went ballistic about it. I think i told you about it in my last post.
We somehow talked about something that led to us talking about me being transgender and she said "well you can just move out then if you're going to do that transitioning stuff, I don't want a weirdo living with me, I had a daughter" so I called her bluff by saying ok I'll move out then and she said great sarcastically not expecting me to call her bluff coz I know she doesn't really want me to move out. Like you said I'm her sort of lifeline so why would she seriously kick me out?
I've been curious to know how she'd react if I did that! called her bluff on moving out as she often says "well if you're not happy with the situation, or, if you don't like living with the mould and damp, then move out, what you still doing here then??" but I know she's saying that but if I actually said ok I'll move out then I know she'd make me feel guilty and moan and get annoyed at me, which she did.
She said things like " right I'll start doing everything you normally do myself then because I've got to get used to living on my own" and when I told her she can get professional carers in, she first said "those kind of carers only come in once a week or a day for a couple of hours and I need 24/7 care"
I consulted somebody about that and he said that there ARE live in 24/7 carers or ones that do shifts that would add up to 24/7 care.
So I told my mum this and she acted like she didn't know what I was talking about (all said over text now)
So I told her it was pertaining to the conversation we'd had in person earlier.
When she came into the kitchen where I was, to do "the 2 jobs you do" she said I would have to teach her how to do the jobs that I do including putting together her scone, cup of tea and crumpets all of which she knows how to do but she asked me to do them to highlight that she'd have to n ow take over doing everything in her ill-health and pain.
I told her how I did them and she said "well, it's very nice of you to teach me how to do one of 2 jobs that you do"

later when I complained about all the guilt tripping and told her it was all emotional blackmail or manipulation she said "I don't know why you're complaining, you're getting what you want which is to do f*ck all"
so I said I;d help and she said "nope I've got to learn how to do it all on my own"
I said I'd do it whilst I'm still here.
Shje then said "my mum struggled in the 2 years of life she had left doing all the chores whilst having breathing problems and pain" impying she was going to die in 2 years time coz grandma did everything on her own in her state,
Basically because I was leaving and letting her do it all now. That's bullsh*t grandad was there to help and grandma spent that time in bed.
I've got this convo on record.
My friend Becky told me that I should move out just like you did and that I should report her for abuse. I wouldn't do that as I wouldn't want to bring her more trouble in her fragile state and old age especially as she's gone through so much stress all her life, but the most stress she went through was since she had me apparently. Apparently I caused her all sorts of problems including various people reporting her for various things like child neglect and eductaion stuff as I was home-schooled. she said she fought all these people. And then when the local teens started harassing us I'm the one who provoked them and made them worse by encouraging them. I was stupid kid at the time and thought by acting aggressive back it would scare them away. In my mind I was protecting us and the property but mum blamed me for encouraging them. Although I ignored them now they still harass us 2 decades later

I read this reply from you 2 nights ago and it depressed the hell out of me because you said life's too short and it's up to me to make a change but It's still hard to accept my mum is being abusive to me as you and Becky says because my mum was always a good mum to me growing up and she only became like this since becoming disabled and worse after her heart attack then worse again when we got a rat infestation when the lockdowns hit and mums breathing problems became worse and she became very aggressive toward me and told me not to kill the rats but blamed me for not getting rid of them.
Then she told me I should have killed them even tho she told me that's not what she wanted! So confusing
helena_1512 wrote:
Mon Aug 15, 2022 7:54 am
Breezey is so right you only have ONE life. I know how hard it is when you KNOW you are being manipulated but cannot seem to break free, but trust me, it will not get any easier. I also know how easy it is for us to make these suggestions and how very hard it is to progress them, but please try.

I feel you need extra support as in some form of counselling? Someone non judgemental? I think there are Transgender Support groups and maybe a helpline so please please investigate this. One other option might be your GP?
Helena, I would love to get councelling but not just for the transgender stuff as that's not the main issue here, that's just what my mum used to threaten to kick me out but i called her bluff by saying ok I'll move out then! Then she didn't like it because she accused me of abandoning her.

Anyway I would love to talk to somebody about all my problems, mental and physical and situational. Not just someone who will listen but actually coach me in figuring out what to do and how to empower me and give advice. But these cost money of which I don't have.

You guys are actually helping alot, I just have to get help getting over this fear of how mum will react to my even mentioning moving out. If I decide to, and tell her about it, it's gonna take a while and she'll take every opportunity to make me feel guilty threatening to not only do everything herself which will make her body deteriorate faster, but also move in her stalker! Yes, i forgot to mention, another way she guilt trippped me is by threatening to contact her stalker to move in with her because at least he will care for me and be company.... O...k then mum you do that :S
She was probably bluffing about that too, who knows.