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I've just said NO! -Carers UK Forum

I've just said NO!

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
I've just said NO to my parents over the phone & it is so liberating!
I have been there every day this week. Today i am sorting my own house and garden. Mum rang to say dad was complaining that he is doing everything. I checked, was there an emergency? No.
What does Dad need me for? I could hear him in the background 'for some loving!' ๐Ÿ˜ฌ
Are you coming around now? NO!
Do you want to speak to dad? NO!
I will probably visit later, when i am ready.
Meanwhile Dad continues to be awkward when i mention that they need a homehelp. He doesn't want to pay for that! Well, I quit being their unpaid home help!
๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿพ
WELL DONE!! Maybe you should refrain from visiting today? If one of your parents phone tell them you will be round on such and such a day as you have things to do. They will get used to less help from you, and may see paid help is the option.
The Ist no is the hardest.
Well done.
I wanted to get through mum's list.
Whenever I arrived she would dive into the pocket of her recliner, take out a notebook, containing her list for the day.
She had carers 3 times a day, a gardener, and a girl to do ironing etc yet still she saved jobs for me as I did them better, when I was newly widowed, newly disabled, trying to run a business to earn an income and care for my brain damaged son!

On the verge of a breakdown, I had counselling. The counsellor made me realise that I was still behaving like a good little girl to try and please mum. He said I didn't have to do anything at all, that what mum really wanted was my company. Not my fault that she'd decided long ago not to join in any club, society or activity in the previous 30 years.

If mum needed anything urgent, then one of the others could do it.

Mum and dad must now realise that you have your own life to lead.
Try to actually avoid saying no. Just say you are busy.
Do NOT fall into the trap of having to justify yourself, it's your life.
They have no right to set any of your own priorities.

Only ever accept ONE job at a time.
Say things like "You asked me to do this, so I want to get it finished before I start anything else".

As your mum and dad won't have a home help, leave the number of Social Services by their phone, and then tell them that's who they should be ringing, not you.
bowlingbun wrote: โ†‘
Fri Sep 10, 2021 1:57 pm
Well done.
I wanted to get through mum's list.
Whenever I arrived she would dive into the pocket of her recliner, take out a notebook, containing her list for the day.
She had carers 3 times a day, a gardener, and a girl to do ironing etc yet still she saved jobs for me as I did them better, when I was newly widowed, newly disabled, trying to run a business to earn an income and care for my brain damaged son!

On the verge of a breakdown, I had counselling. The counsellor made me realise that I was still behaving like a good little girl to try and please mum. He said I didn't have to do anything at all, that what mum really wanted was my company. Not my fault that she'd decided long ago not to join in any club, society or activity in the previous 30 years.

If mum needed anything urgent, then one of the others could do it.

Mum and dad must now realise that you have your own life to lead.
Try to actually avoid saying no. Just say you are busy.
Do NOT fall into the trap of having to justify yourself, it's your life.
They have no right to set any of your own priorities.

Only ever accept ONE job at a time.
Say things like "You asked me to do this, so I want to get it finished before I start anything else".

As your mum and dad won't have a home help, leave the number of Social Services by their phone, and then tell them that's who they should be ringing, not you.
๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚
Like the idea of leaving SS number by the phone!
I totally see what you mean bout feeling you have to justify your priorities. I left them the other day cos i wanted to log onto a carers zoom call in private. I pretended it was a work related meeting. When i returned dad was quizzing me and i felt guilty having to lie...but i needed that meeting!
The guilt monster is horrible! ๐Ÿ˜–
You have nothing to feel guilty about!

They might be trying to make you feel guilty, but that is just them trying to manipulate you for their own ends. It might be worth thinking about someone they know who doesn't have a child at all, or a child a long way away. When they try to get you to do something, a gentle reminder that "Mrs. Brown" doesn't have anyone at all to help, ever!
Well done for standing up for yourself, something that like me, you might not have been very good at.

I wish you well. You've zero reason to feel guilty. You are doing your best.

kind regards
Anthony