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Carers UK Forum • I no longer love my husband
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I no longer love my husband

Posted: Sat Jun 15, 2019 7:30 pm
by Andrea_1906123
I posted my firsts thoughts about my life as a carer last night and have been touched by the supportive replies especially from Carol. I have done most of what has been suggested ie my husband has got an alarm watch, key safe and a sitter for eight hours a week. We go to a Parkinson's dance group. I have not looked into respite as yet but other practical things are in place. What I really miss is the emotional support, the things we shared and the closeness of a devoted husband for so many years. I feel I cannot love the man I care for because he's not the same person any more. No I wouldn't abandon him. I would like to think if the roles were reversed he would do the same for me. I hope my resentment will pass and I can adjust to my new life and I hope I can soon find joy and happiness in a different way. Thank you all for your encouragement

Re: I no longer love my husband

Posted: Sat Jun 15, 2019 8:00 pm
by bowlingbun
I was widowed when I was 54. It's important to feel good about something every day, even if it's just a flower, a smell, a picture.

Re: I no longer love my husband

Posted: Sat Jun 15, 2019 8:43 pm
by Pet66
Before my husband was diagnosed with vascular dementia and had strokes, I wondered what on earth was going on and was anxious and scared and wondered if our love for each other was diminishing. Once I knew what was wrong, my feelings changed. I knew I still loved him very much, and deep down he did me. Was a most difficult time, and tried my vows to him many times. He wasn't the man I married, but sometimes he came back in his lucid moments.He never rejected a kiss from me.
You may start to feel differently as time goes on? I certainly understand what you are saying.
Sadly he passed away on the 11th May. Sad for me and my family. Not sad for him, he was very tired and so dependant for everything. He hated it, even if he forgot shortly afterwards.
Keep posting, and venting if you need to. It helps , especially knowing you are not judged .

Re: I no longer love my husband

Posted: Sun Jun 16, 2019 9:24 am
by Karen_19051234567
I lost my husband 8years ago through suicide. I was left with three young boys, the youngest has Down’s syndrome.

I felt angry and hurt that I was on my own but I also felt so sad that my husband felt he had no other options and that he’d hidden his mental health issues from us all.

Over the years I’ve gradually allowed myself to acknowledge the love I felt and still feel for him 8 yrs on. Now more than ever as I prepare the family home to sell and deal with my son moving from child service into adult services social care, I miss, love, hate and pine for my husband. I’ve learnt to live in the hear and now and that does at times help me.

Never feel guilty about how you feel as you’re doing an amazing job; coping with grieving the person you knew while adapting to acceptance of the person they now are and how much your role has changed. ☺️

Re: I no longer love my husband

Posted: Sun Jun 16, 2019 11:06 am
by Amble_180612345
Reading your posts it is so obvious that all of you, despite the things which are changing or have changed, have a deep seated love for your husband. This is a gift which nothing can take away from either of you.
When my husband ( of almost 51 years) became slightly altered in personality because of the high dose of steroids he was on, it was difficult, but I kept repeating this part of Shakespeare's Sonnet 116 to myself
" Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds
Nor bends with the remover to remove
Oh no, it is an ever fixed mark
Which looks on tempests and is never shaken"

The strength comes to all of us but this Forum is, in my view, a God given gift for receiving fellowship, understanding and support.
Thank-you to all

Re: I no longer love my husband

Posted: Sun Jun 16, 2019 10:05 pm
by Elaine
Hi Andrea.
Stop kicking yourself about ‘not loving’ your husband. There is a vast difference between being ‘in love’ with someone, loving someone who could be a parent, child sibling or old aunty, and loving someone who needs your care. Your husband has changed. He is no longer the man you married, no longer a partner, no longer an equal and supportive part of your life. The love you have for him has changed and perhaps is no longer a two way street. We understand and do not blame.
You are tired , frustrated, heart - broken because of your son (where is the other child?) and getting very near to the end of ‘your tether’. All very expected in carer land, and recognisable to all here. Very sad.
What you need to do now is look after yourself too. You are just as important as either of your men.
If you wish to continue doing your best for them both it’s very important that you have as much help as possible. It’s very important that you have time to yourself, to relax, peruse your own interests and socialise. If you don’t then you are going to collapse and be no use to either.
Have you explored avenues for respite, care teams, volunteer visitors and so on? Are you trying to cope all alone and without any help?
There is help out there, although a fuss/fight to get it.
Keep posting
KR