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I'm so Confused.... Why are they Involved?? What do they do? - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

I'm so Confused.... Why are they Involved?? What do they do?

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Hi Jackie

Yes it is very hard. In fairness, we had a Senior Nurse out earlier this year and when I saw her out she did say that none of the nurses had expressed any concern with regard to my caring for husband - most realise he is very difficult. He sleeps on the sofa attached to the headphones. Yes, I have suggested we move things around so he can have a bed in the office but he won't help clear out all of his old computers/printers/video etc. I am worried about the new pressure sore but very little I can do apart from prompt him to put the cream on as a dressing would be so difficult.

I have not contacted Social Services - no point as he has mental capacity at the moment. Also he can be very verbally abusive. I am not in a financial position to leave so have to get through each day as I can. My husband has not been diagnosed with dementia but when he had the brain heamatoma back in 2013, he had considerable brain atophy even taking his age into account so doubt it has improved. I cannot push for a diagnosis. I am extremely wary of upsetting him as we are together 24/7 - I am much younger.

I wish I could offer advice to your daughter. The only thing I could suggest is maybe she go on the waiting list for a Housing Association Flat? Might be worth her contacting CAB? Get the GP to say it is affecting her mentally to stay? I would imagine that the police will eventually push SS if they keep getting called out.

I do think they will eventually section your mother but it does take time.
I'm new too. You feeling guilty is a waste of good energy. You are not guilty. I deal with emotions by compartmentalising, being subjective and emotionally distanced. It works for me. Totally honesty is very difficult to handle and is often body-swerved. So it catches a person out later down the line. I so wish I had been stronger and more pro active years ago, but I didn't want to upset the apple cart.
Do you take video evidence of the situation? I have started to record stuff in case I need proof later. Bowlingbun is so on the ball. Keep badgering the services, keep a detailed record of every call made: date, time, name, length of call, précis of discussion unless you do shorthand. I prefer email and text, written proof. Build your own case about the professional help or lack thereof. I even tell them as I write it down "hang on, let me write this down. Sunday 11th August, 16.12. Oh, how do I spell your name? What is your position?" They don't always like that, keep them on their toes. I also open the conversation asking if the call is being recorded.
I was complained about by 2 carers visiting mum for videoing her room. I had asked them permission to film the room, they said yes. I offered to show them the phone, in case they were not happy about privacy, they declined. I get a call from the office demanding I do not film the staff. That makes me wonder - why?
Be strong, research, find out as many rules, regs and rights as you can, talk with anyone you know in the related field who may guide you, like solicitors, nurses etc, take control. We are numbers in a crashing system that must be processed, that's all. So, stand out, be a pain, get results.
I'm at the beginning of what may be a bloody battle too. This seems to be a great supportive site, I'm with ya. Get that armour on.
Responding to the original post, I gained a MH assessment a few years ago for my mother, whilst she was living on her own. I had expressed concern about executive skills; memory was fine. But the assessment tested what she was still good at - her memory. They therefore avoided making any diagnosis. It might be Social Services are skirting around the issue of MH assessment by referring to Occ Therapy, because of funding.
I had some useful insight into the situation from a carer recently. They said, for a person living on their own, once a diagnosis of a serious illness is made e.g. dementia, it then the responsibility for their care falls upon the NHS. Until that point, it is Social Services. Whilst your daughter is caring for your parent, it isn't an issue. But once she relinquishes because she understandably can't cope, then effectively your parent will be on their own without care, & it therefore becomes the responsibility of the NHS to look after someone with dementia. It is perhaps why they don't want to diagnose loss of capacity, & why they are trying to pursue other routes like offering further equipment to see if that could help your daughter cope more.
I just see it as a symptom of the bigger crisis; that it's seriously underfunded for the full & thorough job of caring for our elderly,& doing what the government have deemed should be done. There just isn't the money to do what the law says.
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