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I'm at the end of my tether! - Carers UK Forum

I'm at the end of my tether!

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
!8 months ago,husband had successful op' for lung cancer.4 lots of chemo followed,resulting in renal failure,picked up a superbug whilst in hospital for 5 weeks.Had already started to get depressed but eventually physical health improved.Then last October,started throwing up,in and out of hspitals including both Marsdens,none of which could decide whether his stomach blockage was cancer again or not.More in than out of hospital this year,depression worse and put on stronger anti-depressants.Marsden again,then sent home on a liquid diet for 7 weeks.Losing lots of weight,laying on bed all day,back at the Marsden for outpatient appt.,by now depression severe and so weak he kept collapsing. came home,and 2 days later rushed back in with dehydration.Eventually,they decided it wasn't cancer,but they would operate,but needed to build him up first with a feeding line.Blockage eventually cut away and new opening made from his stomach by keyhole surgery,(we were told he wouldn't survive normal way). Very successful,but now depression worse,wouldn't wash,shave,walk and still barely eating or drinking.After 5 weeks sent home as they said his problems were not within their expertise! Rushed back into our local hospital 5 days later,dehydrated,malnourished and almost 4 stone lighter than before the lung cancer.A psychiatrist saw him there,and tomorrow we are seeing a doc from the local Mental health team.I cannot persuade him to take in enough nourishment,his legs keep giving way and he is just angry with me all of the time.Now I am having counselling and on anti-depressants.
What support are you getting? Why is your caree angry with you? When did he last have a needs assessment, and you a Carer's Assessment? I'm not surprised that you are at the end of your tether, you are coping with huge amounts of anxiety etc. which anyone would find difficult to cope with. (((Hugs))) from me.
hi welcome to forum
you doing your best all can do. hugs
Hi maribou
What a difficult time for both of you - your hubby has obviously been very seriously ill. Im glad you are having councelling - its a lot to cope with. Is anybody tackling your hubbies depression? Being very ill can often trigger depression and it sounds like he needs help for this too.
Re his anger - I remember a psychologist once saying to me that the parts of the brain that deal with anger and fear are very close together, so when he saw some one who was angry all the time for no apparent reason he would ask "what are you afraid of?"
Thank you for your replies.We saw a psychiatrist this morning,and he was very kind and compassionate, to both of us,totally understanding the strain that I was under.Now that he has assessed the situation,he was going to talk to his team this afternoon and with them put a plan in place.It will probably involve some kind of talking therapy,as well as sending in a psychiatric nurse in once a day to report back,and possibly some local carers to come in and get him up,washed and dressed in the morning.He also told me to ring the local Social Services,which I did,I don't hold out a lot of hope for the latter,but at least it will get me into the system.

My husband was told that they would do all they could to help him,but he must help himself too by eating enough and especially drinking.I told him that my H blamed me for getting him into hospital each time,but I had no choice as he was deydrated. He looks at me as if he hates me,but all I am doing is trying to help him and keep him alive!

Next week,someone from the Elderly Adult health team is coming to assess whether they can also help,bring it all on!!!
Hello marabou,

You are dealing with so much, I can't imagine what this past couple of years has been like for you. You are doing your best that's for sure. I believe I would be angry with all around me if I had been through what your husband is going through...I know his anger is hard to accept, but, from what I'm told, a number of people suffering like your husband behave this way. In coping with my husbands moods I had to detach 'with love', I had to drop the expectations of the title 'husband' and just look at him through his illness, real hard to do, and I didn't always succeed, but it made me look at things differently and I did get respite from my negativity from time to time. I hope you get all the help your family needs.

Take care and much love

Treez xx
Sounds like you are going through a horrendous time. Get a carers assessment, you are entitled to one by law. They will come in and find out what you need to keep doing the job you are doing. If you get no joy through social services refer yourself to local NHS line and say you are in crisis and you'll get a response. I did it and got a lot of help in regards to my husband who at times was mentally, financially and verbally abusive.You need all the support you can get and it is there if you ask. Thinking of you.
Hi Maribou, and welcome to this Forum Image ,

I think I "know" you from another Forum. You will get a lot of support from this one AND it works much better!!

I am delighted that at long last your OH and you are getting some support from the mental health team. Having someone come in daily sounds marvellous. Yes, Social Services can be a minefield but it can also be very helpful. After all, any help is better than none.

Pop over to Roll Call on the members section and meet everyone. We tend to post regular updates on how our day is going and how our carees are behaving ... The good thing here is everyone can relate a bit to what you are going through, although of course our carees have differing needs.

Take care, Anne x
Amazingly,Social Services rang me this morning,and will be sending someone round on the 25th. to assess the situation,so things are beginning to move.I've managed to get him to sit in the garden this afternoon,which means that at least he is not laying on the bed.Watching him shuffle around the place though,makes me want to scream.He has just given up on life.Doesn't want to harm himself physically,but is certainly doing it by not eating and drinking enough.An interesting point someone made to me today: He has always been a very difficult man and a control freak.He has lost control of his body since the cancer,and also now of me,I have needed to get so much stronger these last 2 years,and he can no longer manipulate me.So,my friend said,although he may not realise it,he is exerting control with what he eats and drinks. What is your opinion? On top of all this my married daughter and single son now have very big problems of their own.She has always had many health problems,which continue,twins doing GCSEs,worried about her dad,(and probably me),and the stress has made her IBS much worse,so she has had to miss some work days this week. His job has been on the line for some time,and looks to be reaching crisis point.If it goes,and in the likely eevent that he will be unable to find another,he is so heavily mortgaged,he will lose his house.He didn't want to discuss it with me,but I said that naturally we would help as much as we could.However,at 46,I can't have him back here,he is his father's son.It's all going round in my head and I feel so miserable,sorry! Image
I've been listing what he takes in each day,calorie-wise,just to prove to him that he isn't having anywhere near enough,and of course so I can monitor it. He's just come in to me and belligerently asked me what I'm doing with the lists.Wants to know if I am keeping them to have him sectioned!!! OMG I can't stand it! Image