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I'm new! But not to caring! -Carers UK Forum

I'm new! But not to caring!

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hello everyone!

I hope someone out there can help me. My partner suffered a severe stroke 10 years ago. He has lost the use of his left side. We both gave up work although I do do voluntary work which my partner hates because he is left on his own. He is very bitter about it all and does not realise that myself and our 19 year old daughter feel the same. I cope. But he is alcoholic, always has been and and over the last couple of years I have noticed that he has become very different. His personality, he hates being left alone, he embellishes stories he is telling, he can't socialise, he sleeps all the time and he is verbally abusive to me and our daughter. We think he has alcoholic dementia which I'm hoping can be diagnosed soon. The thing is I have had enough, I want a life, I want my daughter and I to live a normal life. I want out! But where do I go. The house is in joint names and why should we leave out home.

I am at the end of my tether and dont know what to do.
Hello Claire,

What a rotten situation.

Have you talked to your GP, Social Services, a solicitor? When you say you hope his condition will be diagnosed soon - can you elaborate? Like how soon? Who is he seeing about his condition - are they giving you enough information? If he does have dementia then is he likely to be looked after elsewhere?

If you are sure you have made your decision, then you need to start unpicking the knot. It may be that confirmation of his diagnosis will kick things into motion. This is a difficult one, and I think if it were me I'd be chasing for the diagnosis, discussing the prognosis with health experts and then taking the whole lot to a solicitor if needs be.

Hopefully, others may come along with alternative (or better) suggestions.
Welcome to the forum. Caring long term is difficult, even if the caree appreciates what you are doing, ten times worse if not. Your first responsibility should be your daughter, although just adult, she has lived with a difficult situation for a long time and will still need her mum to help and support her as a fledgling about to fly. The question about house ownership has made me wonder if you have power of attorney for him? Might be worth discussing this with a solicitor sooner rather than later if you haven't already. Has your OH had a "needs assessment" from Social (Adult) Services? You and your daughter should both have "Carers Assessments". Then you could off load how you feel, and the social worker might be able to suggest some things which help your OH. I'm a great fan of lists - but keep them private. Prioritise what annoys you most about your situation, just doing this simple exercise might clarify things about what you do in the future. Keep nagging for the assessment/diagnosis though, you can't really work things out unless you know more about his medical condition.