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Husband with dementia now in Care Home - Carers UK Forum

Husband with dementia now in Care Home

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
I know my husbands being well cared for
I feel left in limbo lonely lost can't stop crying after over 50 years together being busy all the time I'm left with nothing I think the family's attitude is get on with it I know they have their own busy lives I need to use taxi to get anywhere I'm not very good on my legs feel cut off with an empty house not a home now the house is empty no carers calling hardly any family I've cared all through my life from being a child so now I've nothing please don't say friends etc I was never allowed any they were always discouraged from calling 😪
Hello
Do you visit your husband? I too had been married for over 50years. I befriended other visitors in my husband's nursing home, and we have remained friends. Went for a cuppa after the visit, spoke of how our visit had been, then chatted about other things. Anything, tv programmes, weather, our jobs when younger. Our bond was the sad situation, and understood a bad day.
Many of us live in empty homes now after years of happy marriage, 60 in my case.
Some too don't have any family to tell us to get on with it.
Lots of interests helps a great deal and it goes without saying, don't isolate yourself
whatever you do.
It's so easy and tempting at times to fall into a pit of self sorrow.
In phoning my wife's friends etc when she passed it was helpful to
exchange with others, also living alone what they did.
At least your husband is still there.
There are charities that will talk to you each week for a chat too.
Do you have any hobbies? Now is the time to develop them.

Perhaps you could also try learning a new skill? Have you considered trying to find another job or not? Find out about adult education classes too. If you search for adult learning classes online, you should be able to find some in your local area. Same goes for volunteering opportunities. Look online or ask around. See if your nearest community library has info on classes for adults. Some community colleges offer evening classes in addition.

Also make the most of opportunities to get some exercise as well. Even if it is walking, that still counts. Join a local community leisure centre or gym. Often they run keep fit classes for people. Do you live near a open air tennis court or not? My local leisure centre has indoor tennis courts to hire and has a pool too. For a fee, you can be a member and use their facilities as well.

Or you can go back to study something at university or college. Have a look on the website and see what course appeals to you most of all. Check the details carefully and also get a prospectus. What do you want to do? Make a list of goals for the future and keep a copy in a visible place. Talk to a member of staff. Also chat with students currently enrolled at the college or university. They will be able to answer your questions. Have you ever heard of the fitmind50 challenge?

P.S welcome to the forums!
Hi Gloria,
Welcome here.
So sorry to hear that your husband has had to go into a Home, and with Dementia too which is a horrible thing to witness. Some of us here, like Pet, have endured the journey you are starting and for others, well, it could happen any day.
Please try to reach out to people. Pet’s suggestion that you could speak to other visitors at the Home is an excellent one and a start. Those people are on a similar journey. They need a friend too.
I don’t suppose you feel like rushing out to join a gym, but a little exercise and fresh air is good, even if it’s just out into the garden to feed the birds. How far can you walk on a good day and is there any possibility that you could get one of those mobility scooters and go round the block or as far as a shop or the library?
It’s a shame that winter is coming and it’s getting colder but please don’t allow yourself to be isolated and lonely. What’s happened is awful and so sad, but it’s not your fault and there’s nothing you can do to change it, harsh as that sounds. As you say, your husband is being looked after and it’s your job to look after yourself now. There may be some meetings or groups you could go along to in your local area. Once a month, once a week, even if it means taking a taxi? Look around and if you find a ‘maybe’ then do not let ‘I can’t be bothered or too hard’ stop you at least trying.
Keep yourself busy. Set yourself goals, even small ones, and be pleased when you have achieved them. Today I will phone someone. Today I will walk to the end of the street and talk to any neighbours I meet.
Have you got, or would you like a pet? Kitten? I’m not a cat person myself but you could be?
Take care of yourself.
Hi Gloria

Agree with all the suggestions - start to reach out to people. It sounds as if your husband like mine, was very controlling if he did not encourage/allow you to have friends but you are free of that now! I do understand it is a huge adjustment.

Do you like reading? What about joining a Book Club? Easy way to meet new people and discussing the book is a way to start conversations.

I make myself do m y hair and makeup every day and go and get the paper and at least I see the dog walkers and the person in the shop.

What about vol work? I loved working in a charity shop and again it is a way to make friends.
Hi Gloria,

Welcome to the forum. This must be a very difficult time for you, with your husband being in care now. A couple of suggestions I would have, once you're up to doing new things, are a lunch club - if there are any in your area - churches often run them - and U3A - University of the 3rd Age - I think that what it's called - where you take classes in a subject of your choice - you'd need to Google that to get more information.

Come here when you can and share your highs and your lows.

Gilli
I just adopted an 11year old dog for company. She makes me get up in the mornings!
Welcome to the forum. Lots of excellent ideas.

PLEASE don't isolate yourself . There is a whole world out there to explore. My Mum looked after my Dad for years until he went into a home and he discouraged friends too. It is hard for her. She now sadly has dementia herself.

How about joining a local carer group. You are still a carer and must have a wealth of knowledge you could share with other people?

As others say have a think about what you would like to do and see what is available locally. Don't let lack of driving put you off. Get a taxi initially and once you meet people they may be happy to give you a lift. Are there any local transport services locally that could help? There is a charity local to my Mum who has a fleet of volunteer drivers to take people to clubs, hospital appointments etc. there is a v small subscription fee and then you pay a small amount per journey. The drivers are all used to helping who might have mobility issues etc.

I know it is daunting to make new friends, but having been a carer for years makes you are a strong person. You can do this.
Welcome to the Forum, Gloria. After so long caring for your husband, it must be a huge readjustment and make you feel very lonely. You have taken the first step by coming onto this Forum. I know that when my mum first went into a nursing home, I felt redundant.

Are you visiting your husband in the home? If so, do they organise meetings for relatives? I found this a good way to meet people in similar circumstances.

Also, I wonder if these people are in your area:

https://www.reengage.org.uk/

They organise tea parties in people's homes and if you can't walk too well, they organise transport too. Your local branch of Age UK may also know of other things in your area.

Have a look round the Forum too. We have Roll Call where many members "chat over the garden fence" each day. That may help you to feel less isolated.

I do hope your husband is adjusting to his new life, and in time, you build a life for you too.

Take care, Anne x