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How do you deal with frustration? - Carers UK Forum

How do you deal with frustration?

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hi, I'm new here. I care for my mum and sister and I'm increasingly irritable and frustrated. I frequently snap at them, and it upsets them or I feel guilty. Sometimes it's situation-specific, ie having to mobilise mum who can't balance well, sometimes it's because I have to do something which I ordinarily don't mind doing, but I just feel irritable anyway.
Every time it happens I make a mental note not to feel frustrated, or snap at them, but that's not working. How do other people manage frustration?
How do we all manage irritation? Um, well we all snap sometimes, we are all human.
Do you get any "time out"? I find that getting some time for me to do what I want - even if its only half an hour - reduces the stress level enormously so that I feel less irritable.

Have you seen this thread? viewtopic.php?f=38&t=15679
Its mostly for people who are feeling depressed, but the advice is good for irritability too.
Hi and welcome
Hi, welcome to the forum. They are a great bunch of folks on here. A mine of information, a hug and a shoulder to lean on when needed.
Hi Frito and welcome.

I get irritated and frustrated, usually if I'm tired or not feeling too well, or when unexpected things happen. Thinking about it, that probably means most of the time. Image I think the best thing is to do is to step back and hopefully realise that what's frustrating us isn't really that important. Wander around the garden for a few minutes, or chase the dog, or put your favourite song on as loud as you dare. Even just a few minutes break can change the mood.
How do I deal with frustration? I write angry things here about my MIL and the situation she's put me in by getting old and frail (!) - I immediately feel better. Swiftly followed by guilt and regret at having been so bloody nasty about something she can't help....

BUT, we are not saints. We are carrying burdens (and mine is hugely lighter than so many other people's here!) that should not be carried in a 'properly ordered world' (ie, people should not grow frail as they age, they should not be ill, they should not be disabled, etc etc etc.....!)

Definitely get out and about, even five minutes sticking your head out of the window.

Then, 'smiley face back on' and back you go on duty again.....

Although I agree with Koala in that what is frustrating you at any time is not actually that important of itself, what is does indicate is that it becomes a proxy for what is actually frustrating you - that your life has been taken over and is controlled by your carees. That you are a prisoner in your own existence, burdened with a duty of care (and hopefully of love, too, though that is not always the case)(it isn't in mine, as my caree is my MIL, and though fond of her, and not wanting her to have a horrible life in any way, to whom I have no 'heartstrings' attached).

So the little flashpoints we experience are really only sparks coming up from the huge furnace of fury and grief that is burning away deep inside us.
Hi Frito,

Welcome to the forum.

We all get angry and frustrated. I think it is because we are trapped, often without warning into a situation of responsibility and caring roll that we cannot get out of. I feel trapped and angry at having to care for my dad. He is not ill but cannot go out on his own therefore cannot do anything (inc putting out the rubbish etc). I am feel angry with him because of all the things that he cannot really help and for the things he can!!! My dad is elderly. I think part of the problem we have to contend with is that we are dealing with a childs mentality that has the experience of an 80 year old! Scary and manipulative. They know how to send you on guilt trips etc but half the time they probably don't know they are doing it.

TIME OUT. Important stuff, even if it is only 10 minutes. When I start getting angry and frustrated. I get very short tempered and shout. It helps to just take a deep breath, walk away to your own space for a few minutes. If tears help, cry a little. Go for a walk, fresh air is good.

My dad has balance issues. It irritates me immensely, but I don't really know why.

Most important - don't beat yourself up. We are human. Sometimes i believe it is good to let off steam and let your caree know how you are feeling about things. There will be others on here who will be able to give you good advice.

Meanwhile, take care and good luck.
Shaz x
Hi Frito

My caring role is over but I am glad that I managed to stick with it right up to the end of the old folks. When I started I was a single parent with a teenager and toddler (not an easy mix) both with asthma, I was officially carer to my dad in his 70s with multiple health problemsbut I also had a mum in her 70s too and with heart problems and I had a granny in her 90s blind and had cancer. I also have asthma. It was manic but I made it and I am still here. I found that the bathroom and my old bedroom upstairs at the family home were my santuaries. No-one would have disturbed me in the bathroom and I could hear if anyone came upstairs so these were my places for a cry and a swear in silence. The bathroom was good because I could run the tap which covered a multiple of things. Going outside to smoke was another hiding place but then I stopped smoking! Find a wee place that can be yours and do exactly as you want, cry, scream, swear, pull faces!

Duncaring
Duncaring good advice. I know i shouldn't smoke but it gives me a little me time and i have an e-cig for other times when i can't go out. I am down to 5 a day, but about to head back to work with a husband while my hubby sleeps the day away. So sometimes if stressed that can go up to 10 a day. I have my psychotherapist who i can phone or email. I also have a hobby which works like therapy (photography)
Hello Frito, I have been looking after my dad now for 3 years since he had a stroke, he is only 66, he has heart problems as well. I have had real issues with frustration and anger over the last 6 months. He has real anxiety issues and stresses loads about what is happening outside with the parking and the neighbours pinching his wheelie bin? he thinks the neighbours are there just to wind him up...they aren't of course. but sometimes there is no reasoning with him and it really winds me up, as soon as I come home from work he starts, it might not even be the neighbours, it might be about telling me how to drive my car? He wanted me to drive my car down the backings the other month coz someone had parked right ouside his house...my car won't fit down the backings...we argued for a full week. when he gets something in his head he is on a loop till he moves onto the next thing... He thinks everyone is stupid and don't know what they are doing. drives me bloody bonkers....wrongly I had taken to drinking a bottle of wine every day...not eating properly, making myself ill...before xmas I went to the docs and went in with an A4 double sheet of paper with a long list of things what he comes out with and the way he thinks. When she read it she said I should put him in respite and leave him there. lol. She agreed that he is obsessive and is going to have him in and is going to talk to him about his anxieties and see if she needs to look at his meds. He went into respite once earlier in the year...when I came to pick him up, the carers asked me how do I cope with the constant mithering? They won't have him back. He has had a dementia test last year, he passed with flying colours...the scary thing he did better than me. lol. I have been off work for the holidays for nearly a fortnight, I have managed to get rested up, and have knocked my drinking on the head, I am a lot calmer now, and feel more positive. Our Gp's are marvelous. Now i know that something is being looked at I am happier. It makes me very sad when we argue. We both feel bad the day after. I have actually swore at him before now. which I am not proud about. I think we all get frustrated and angry. The doc told me I should have gone sooner. While I have been off with him I have changed tack. When he starts I have gone out and told him why I am going out. he hasn't liked it, but he is learning. he has tried to have me over a barrel. he tries to be controling and wants me with him all the time, except for when I go to work.