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How do I carry on? - Carers UK Forum

How do I carry on?

Tell us a bit about yourself here.

I have nowhere to turn and hoping that I find some comfort, reassurance and support here.

For the last 4 years I have been in a relationship with a sufferer of Borderline Personality Disorder which lots of issues that I've given respect and space for.

To cut a very long story short, I met my ex-partner at the end of 2010, engaged Jan 2013 and split in April 2015. He had 3 children from a previous marriage where he told me he'd been abused mentally, physically and emotionally.
Two years into the relationship there were concerns over the welfare of his 3 children and we went to court to secure access from his ex-wife and new partner.
This was a real tough time and more recently my ex could only seem himself having to go back to court which was something he said he could never cope with.

Over the 4 years, I've been left but he's always come back - this time it feels very different. He's always listened to others and in particular his ex-wife who has said I am a dangerous person. She cannot articulate what she means by her words dangerous and as such my ex-partner worried over these words. She knew how to play with his mind.

I've worked with kids for 24 years from being a teenager and always had a flair for making a difference with young people. My ex partners ex wife couldn't understand how I could love their children like my own and accused me of being in the centre of a paedoephile ring, with my family and neighbours living on my street. The police were told but nothing was ever investigated and I've heard nothing from this.

We were both very happy together. My ex-partner did not feel welcomed into my family as others have, he felt very isolated and that people were against him. He moved 40 miles away from his family and friends. His thought process would have been exaggerated by his mental illness and my family didnt find out about how to support him and what affects his condition. By not doing this in my opinion increased his feelings of isolation and not being accepted into the family. I have a very close knit family and this isn’t something ex-partner felt he had experience of and he found this very alien.

My ex-partner talks of various things over the years have greatly affected his and continue to have a negative impact on his life now, these things he was working through with the Community Mental Health Team and was due to start Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) which is a therapy designed to help people change patterns of behaviour that are not effective, such as self-harm, suicidal thinking, and substance abuse. My ex-partner has over the last 20 years tried to take his life on numerous occasions, the latest being in February this year by taking a paracetomol overdose.

Below is a list of some of the more major events that have had a negative impact on his life that he talks about:
•Upbringing with mum and dad – My ex and his mum both agree they had a volatile relationship and his mum acknowledges that she doesn’t know how to communicate with him other than shouting at him, so the relationship continues to be strained. He is now living with his mum and dad as has nowhere else to live.
•Darren was bullied by his younger brother at a young age. His brother used to throw knives at my ex as a child to try and hurt him
•My ex talks about how he was exposed to hardcore porn at an early age at uncles house which has had an affect on his sexual relationships - his parents deny he was allowed to see this. Our sexual relationship was virtually non existent until the last 3 weeks of our relationship (there is a chance that I may be pregnant which is a further concern I now have)
•Around the age of 20 my ex was brutally attacked by group of youths from a different ethnic group to him and was hit on the head by house bricks
•He says that in his marriage to his ex-wife, he was physically attacked by her on 2 separate occasions. He was locked in the house and had to climb through a window to escape.
•He also believes he was sexually assaulted by his ex-wife on holiday at his parents caravan which led to pregnancy of their youngest child – shortly after the time of this holiday he was going to tell his ex-wife the marriage was over until she said she was pregnant.
•My ex partner has controlled his emotions previously with smoking and Alcohol Abuse. He stopped drinking heavily in 2013 and hasn’t been reliant on alcohol since. He stopped smoking before our relationship started in 2010.
•His best friend died suddenly over night in his early 20’s with no explanation. This loss was massive for my ex-partner.
•My ex partner was pulled out of a football crowd the month before the Hillsborough Disaster at Anfield. He remembers being crushed and then being pulled out but has vivid dreams of a man with no face who he thinks is the person who rescued him

My ex-partner says he wants to get better, he wants to be able to live his life as a ‘normal’ person and has tried hard to do this over the years but he needs professional help, which is what he was getting through his Community Mental Health Team. He has said that he would have a period whilst having therapy without seeing his children so that he can give himself the best chance at recovery and that this will mean he doesn’t see his ex-wife who continues to control the situation and his life.

I wanted to stand by my ex-partner through his therapy. I have put so much in over the last 4 years but when he told me he hadn't loved me for 2 years and wanted to leave me I had to respect his decision (even though he was having a EID episode)

Over the years, he has wiped my savings out twice, I've supported him as he's been able to work. I've clothed, housed, fed him and his 3 children as per the contact order which is of more than every other weekend access. I am now at the brink of loosing my house, my family, my friends. He says I deserve happiness and I had happiness with him. I'm very much not in a happy place now.

I know I have to move on, but this is like loosing a whole family in a tragic accident and I dont know how I can move on. I didn't know about support for Carers whilst I was in the relationship and have muddled my way through for 4 years - I've not had anyone to talk to about it and wonder if anything at all there is support now for me trying to cope with my loss and immense worry for someone I cared so much for - I cant just switch off my emotions.
It's a very sad situation. Work out a few lists to help clarify things, especially what you want for the rest of your life. First stop must be the chemist for a pregnancy kit without further delay, because you can't make any real plans until you know for certain whether you are, or are not pregnant. Then you need decide whether or not you want to continue with the pregnancy.
Hi thanks, I agree I do need to know if I am pregnant or not but it is too early to check yet. I couldnt abort a baby that a decision I made from a very young age so at least Id know if I was and could begin planning my future.
Hello Vicki & welcome to the forum.

Try to separate your various problems into individual boxes & don't attempt to deal with all of them at the same time.

Concentrate first on the problems that are directly under your control so that your list gets shorter & will be more manageable.
Firstly you do need to be sure about the baby. Are you or are you not having a baby.

Then you need to decide what you want to happen and then set some goals towards that.

Go to the Carers Centre and ask them if they can point you to someone who will help you like a councillor or someone who will allow you to talk with out judging you and who will help you to explore ways to resolve the issues you have.

The Carer Centre is a good place for getting help.

The Carers Helpline may also be able to help you and there number is 0808 808 7777

Thanks, where is the Carers centre please?
VICKI_1504 wrote:Thanks, where is the Carers centre please?
you should have one local to you Vicki - google "carers centre" and your town and you should get a few hits. Often they are listed in the Adult Services section of your local authority website.

Alternatively try this link http://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice ... al-support
(although I do know it's not as up-to-date as it could be)

There is also this link to the Princess Royal Trust for Carers who run a lot of the centres
Thanks everyone for your replies. I rang Carers UK and they dont tend to offer emotional support, can listen, or offer practical advice re benefits etc. They have given me a name for a charity SANE; who are open tonight at 6pm as they think they offer emotional support so I'll be giving them a call tonight.
Carers Centres are different - either run by, or in conjunction with, the local authority.
On the subject of pregnancy testing, I've just looked up the True Blue website and their tests can be used four days before the date on which your period is due. Amazingly early!
Rang Sane, after 20 mins said I'd had my allocated time. Looks like I'm in this myself to overcome without the support. Just to say whats gone on takes 20 mins without even getting into any form of support and help to move forward.

In terms of pregnancy, I have tested today even though a little early but came back as negative so fingers crossed