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New to the Forum - Carers UK Forum

New to the Forum

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hi my name is Onika and I am new to the forum. I am 37 and I have been a carer for the last 14 years to my partner. it is very stressful as he relies on me a lot to be around. I need to let off some much needed steam as I cant do it on facebook as he always questions who am i aiming my anger and frustration at so i feel this is the only place where I can vent my frustration and feel better at the same time. :(

its physically draining me on a daily basis....

He recently put in a claim online for Carers allowance on the 16th February 2017 for me as I have to care for him full time and watch him like a hawk every day and its gotten to the point where I cant leave the house now as he needs to know how long will i be when i'm out or even if i go and put the rubbish out he asks where did i go ( I swear I'll be agoraphobic by this point!!) :(

By the way how long does an online claim for carers allowance take as my partner gets PIP and I am caring at 35 hours a week for him. theres no chance of even trying to get home help as i am the only person who knows his needs,the only person he will trust is me. The world is going by so fast and i have to miss out on it as he relies so heavily on me to be there for him.

Its driving me round the bend :S

Hi Onika
Welcome to the forum, feel free to rant away. We are all good listeners .
I care for Dad with dementia and he has been increasingly needy and demanding of my time and even after a few weeks of this it does become very waring indeed so I can't begin to imagine how much you need to have a good scream.
I am sure others will be along to advise on ways of spreading the load and getting some help on board but I just wanted to say welcome.
Can I ask what is the matter with your partner. Does he have a physical disability, or a mental health issue?
Hello Onika
My circumstances are different to yours. My husband now in a nursing home because of strokes and dementia.
However, I'm listening to you and want to welcome you. Vent as much as you like, I have! No one judges
Hi Onika
What is wrong with your husband? Is it a MH or physical problem?
One thing that is absolutely essential for someone in a caring role is regular 'time out'. Here we call it 'me time'. If you don't, then in all likelihood you are going to have a mental or physical breakdown yourself and will be in hospital and unable to care at all. (You sound pretty close). If your husband refuses to 'allow' you this, then he will find himself on his own without your support at all.
Even when one's caree has an easy temperament, is thankful and appreciative and happy for you to go out as often as possible for a 'break', caring can be draining, frustrating and life consuming. However that kind of caree does make it feel more worthwhile to make the sacrifice.
You do realise that you do not have to care at all? You could pack a bag and walk out tonight and there's no law that says you have to go back. (No legal or moral reason why you should).
You most certainly need some outside help. Which would your husband prefer? Someone to sit with him while you took some time for yourself or you gone? (One way or another).
You do have choices.
He has fibromyalgia and arthritis which says he cant walk and is virtually housebound now and thanks for letting me rant away i need to now and again
Thanks for the welcome if i need to unleash anger this is the place to do it!!
No advice but rant away. Very caring group and we all understand. I care for my much older husband so can relate to a lot of your post. Take care of yourself - I do know it is very hard in your circumstances but please try.
Onika, you CANNOT deal with this all on your own. Did you know you cannot be forced to care? Tough as it is, your husband must accept some level of outside support so you can have a day off now and then, and have a life of your own. Yes, I know fibro is painful, so is arthritis, but if you love him enough to care for him most of the time, he should love you enough to let you live too. After all, you are not responsible for his illness.
Start by asking Social Services for a Needs Assessment for him, and a Carers Assessment for you. When did he last have an Occupational Therapist visit to make sure he has all the aids and adaptations needed for as normal a life as possible? Does he have a Lifeline, so you can go out without worrying about him?
Does he go out at all, have any hobbies? Do you? Does he help with any household jobs, or is absolutely everything left to you.
Has he applied for Personal Independence Payments? Do you claim Carers Allowance? Money doesn't make anyone better, but it certainly makes life easier.
I was intrigued by your unusual pen name, then wondered if you were not originally from the UK? Is there a big difference in your ages?
Hi bowlingbun,

i am from the uk but my name is west african..it means warrior(its a male name,i'm female) he does claim pip and he put in a claim of carers allowance for me around a week ago. i do have an opportunity to go out tomorrow but i'm waiting for him to say'how long will i be'? he wont have anyone in the house left unattended that he doesnt know or know about ..its like he trusts no-one. (he must have had a bad experience to be like this)

I've had 14 years of being his sole carer and no one will help because they wont know how to handle him and i'm the only person that does. he had a heart attack back in 2014 and that basically did it.

he cant go out as he cant walk far..hes housebound his hobbies are taking care of his birds and watching sci fi movies oh and reading as well.

My main hobby is jewellery making as i've been doing that on and off for the last 7 years.

All the times that I have gone out he always either falls over or cuts himself on something sharp

my partner is 60 years old,and I am 37(about 24 years between us) and I can only vent on here,never on facebook and not feel guilty about it.

I just checked the gov.uk website and he has one of the qualifying benefits which is PIP.
still dont know whether i will get carers allowance but i have to play the waiting game at the moment :unsure:

Never had a carers assessment before but i think i will enquire about that one as it is needed.

it does make me feel a little better knowing that there are people on here that truly understand what being a carer is all about. ( and not just say.."oh i know how you feel or i understand it)