Dear Pam
Three years ago this September I 'inherited' by 89 y.o MIL who announced she couldn't cope on her own any more. For nearly a year my life was not my own, and I nearly had a nervous breakdown. She wasn't horrible , just increasingly 'helpless' and wanted me to look after her and come and live with me. The awful thing was, it boiled down to 'my life or hers'. When she stayed with me I spent the entire time looking after her, and doing what she wanted. What was fine for a week or so, when full time it was tiring, frustrating and desperately boring. If I had had to do it 'indefinitely' I'd probably have crashed the car with us both in it, I was so near to screaming. I was the only person to look after her (my husband is dead, and her surviving son lives in the USA).
So I do know how grim it can be to be the only person around to look after an elderly, frail person who has no idea of how much of our lives they are 'using up'. They can love us and be lovely people, but it still 'uses up' our own lives.
You say your mum thinks it's your 'duty' to look after her. Well, no it isn't. You describe her as 'formidable' but this can often mean 'likes her own way' (?!), and maybe she's always assumed you'd be the one to be there to take care of her in her old age. It's something that her generation did rather take for granted. but that doesn't make it true. You have no legal duty to care for her at all, and are free, in that sense to walk out tomorrow if you really wanted.
The tough question is, though, could you do that? It boils down to finances alas. Do you have any means of providing your own accommodation, whether renting or buying? Could you get work and be financially independent?
If so, then you truly are 'free to go'. It does rather sound like it suits your sister and brother very nicely to have good old Pam to look after their mum! So they can get on with their lives thank you very much!
I could point out, you know, that if, say, you got a job looking after an elderly person, living in to look after them, you would be entitled to a set amount of time off every day, and definitely a set amount of holiday time. So that is the very least you should get with your mum!
It's nonsense, you know, that she refuses carers! The problem is, she refuses them because she wants YOU to do it, and if you do do it, well, hooray, she's got her own way! You will need to be quite firm about this, which can be VERY hard when dealing with a parent who thinks you 'should' be looking after her non-stop.
I hope we can suggest ways that might help you stand up to her, and set out what you WILL do for her, and what you WON'T.
What is her own financial position? As you probably know, if she has more than £23,000 in savings or property, she isn't eligible for 'free' care in a residential care home. The difficult choice families all have to make, if their parents own property or have savings, is whether they want to keep them 'safe' to inherit eventually, or to 'blow' them on residential care. (With my MIL, she is basically burning through the money she got from selling her flat!). Now, if your mum does have savings or property, and you and your brother and sister are trying to 'safeguard' them to inherit, that is all very well, but it also means that in the meantime, since YOU are the one looking after your mum, YOU should get some 'payment' for it (and no, 'free accommodation and food' does NOT count!!!!!).
So, I guess all this boils down to -
- you do NOT have to look after your mum legally! (And it is NOT your 'duty' to do so either!)
- you are free to walk at any time ( though financially that might be tricky?)
- you are entitled to 'time off' and holidays whether or not your mum objects (!!!!!)
- you are entitled to 'payment' from your mum of some kind for the work you are doing (and it IS work!)
Wishing you well, and reminding you that we only get one life - please don't let yours be used up by someone else!!!!! (especially as it only seems to benefit your mum, your sister and your brother - not you!)
Kind regards, Jenny